So its that time of year. People are thankful for things they should recognize year round.
people act happy because they are supposed to.
I hate christmas, the faux happiness, commercialization, religion, and most of all the music playing since before thanksgiving.
I like the lights and egg nog...thats it.
But I do like new years, cause I like to party, and most of all because I love to make resolutions. I havent made any in a few years and I was thinking about that today. Ive got my life going in a decent direction right now and I am still young enough to be selfish. I want to do somethings for me.
2 things I have never had are abs and long hair.
Abs. Yes, Ive lost 100 lbs in college and had a flat stomach since then. Ill always have some giggle because I was so overweight for a long time. But Id like to see how cut I can get by my birthday, may 13th. Id like to be able to go to the beach this summer and look damn good.
Long Hair. I dabbled in shaggy in high school but I always get bored and cut it and then regret the hell out of it. My mom passed down some killer locks from her side of the family so I like having a full head of hair. I dont plan on cutting it before my birthday like the whole abs thing above. I am sure it will look absolutely silly, and Ill probably look like I am wearing a leather football helmet but oh well.
Yes, these are all vanity inspired but you know what? I dont care. But I will need help. So if you see me thinking about eating that cake, dont let me. If you see me running with scissors, track me down and dont let me cut em.
I am ok with making a fool out of myself, Ive been doin it for 25 years already.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
I got your Dickinson
Yes, I dont like christmas. The whole thing feels forced and since I dont believe in god or any of that stuff it just makes me feel icky.
I get called scrooge.
Last saturday nite was my Christmas Carol.
I had the weekend off. Planned a nice relaxing weekend in the Boro. Got onto facebook and saw that a friend of mine was getting married on saturday so I texted her congrats and she told me to come down and celebrate in chapel hill with lots of people I went to school with...and any one that knows me knows that I dont need an excuse to have a few free drinks.
So Im walking to the bar and bump into my best girl friend from college, she'd moved to alaska but with all great friends you just pick up where you left off. We get to the bar and order drinks and everyone's having a good time. I see the bride and have this moment of the ole what coulda been thing. She is the kinda girl everyone loves and that just rubs off on everyone.
Soon after that I a girl that I used to have a weird relationship with came in with her boyfriend. This girl and I had the whole "neither of us will break 1st" thing going on. We made out, had fun, talked, but neither of us would let our gaurd down. When we both started dating other people we both were weirded out but it was what it was. We stopped talking when about a year ago she called me sleazy. I may be, think what you will, but I dont think anyone I consider a friend or care about would call me that. So she walked in with her little BF and I'd realized that us not dating years ago worked out good for me. She looked unhappy, didnt stay long and left without good bye.
After the ghost of girlfriends past whisked me to another bar via another text. It was the 1st time we'd seen each other since we broke up, and yes, it was weird but how could it not be. We were both a little drunk, smiled and you could tell we were thinking about the good times. But there was nothing emotional for me there, no longing. I was happy she was doing well and dating someone new. I had a lot of fun with her and meant everything I said and did with her but some times love isnt enough. Our 1st break up was brutal and it was all my fault. But the 2nd go around I think we knew things just werent going to be the same. It was the best closure Ive had in a relationship and honestly the 1st girl I've been truly happy for as she moved on (yes, I used to be that shallow, but sometimes it takes a while to grow up)
Then a txt and whiskey swept me foreward in time and I met the potential future. Met a complete stranger at the previous bar and talked for an hour. We split up for a little bit and then met back up and dance, kissed a little bit and exchanged numbers at the end of the nite. It was one of those moments where youth just fills you up, that feeling of invincibilty found me.
In this storm of ex's and the future I felt perfectly centered, like all was right in the world. Ive stuggled alot in the last two years, graduating from college is the hardest thing I have ever done hands down. I see kids talking about leaving on Facebook and it kills me. Growing up aint all its cracked up to be. But there walking to my car in the cold I was smiling and felt at east with myself. At the end of the day I am the only person I need to make happy right now. That requires many things, from traveling across the states to watch football games, to going on dates, to just playing guitar. Some where in the past few years I havent been able to get all that together and last weekend was just about perfect in letting me know that I had hope.
I get called scrooge.
Last saturday nite was my Christmas Carol.
I had the weekend off. Planned a nice relaxing weekend in the Boro. Got onto facebook and saw that a friend of mine was getting married on saturday so I texted her congrats and she told me to come down and celebrate in chapel hill with lots of people I went to school with...and any one that knows me knows that I dont need an excuse to have a few free drinks.
So Im walking to the bar and bump into my best girl friend from college, she'd moved to alaska but with all great friends you just pick up where you left off. We get to the bar and order drinks and everyone's having a good time. I see the bride and have this moment of the ole what coulda been thing. She is the kinda girl everyone loves and that just rubs off on everyone.
Soon after that I a girl that I used to have a weird relationship with came in with her boyfriend. This girl and I had the whole "neither of us will break 1st" thing going on. We made out, had fun, talked, but neither of us would let our gaurd down. When we both started dating other people we both were weirded out but it was what it was. We stopped talking when about a year ago she called me sleazy. I may be, think what you will, but I dont think anyone I consider a friend or care about would call me that. So she walked in with her little BF and I'd realized that us not dating years ago worked out good for me. She looked unhappy, didnt stay long and left without good bye.
After the ghost of girlfriends past whisked me to another bar via another text. It was the 1st time we'd seen each other since we broke up, and yes, it was weird but how could it not be. We were both a little drunk, smiled and you could tell we were thinking about the good times. But there was nothing emotional for me there, no longing. I was happy she was doing well and dating someone new. I had a lot of fun with her and meant everything I said and did with her but some times love isnt enough. Our 1st break up was brutal and it was all my fault. But the 2nd go around I think we knew things just werent going to be the same. It was the best closure Ive had in a relationship and honestly the 1st girl I've been truly happy for as she moved on (yes, I used to be that shallow, but sometimes it takes a while to grow up)
Then a txt and whiskey swept me foreward in time and I met the potential future. Met a complete stranger at the previous bar and talked for an hour. We split up for a little bit and then met back up and dance, kissed a little bit and exchanged numbers at the end of the nite. It was one of those moments where youth just fills you up, that feeling of invincibilty found me.
In this storm of ex's and the future I felt perfectly centered, like all was right in the world. Ive stuggled alot in the last two years, graduating from college is the hardest thing I have ever done hands down. I see kids talking about leaving on Facebook and it kills me. Growing up aint all its cracked up to be. But there walking to my car in the cold I was smiling and felt at east with myself. At the end of the day I am the only person I need to make happy right now. That requires many things, from traveling across the states to watch football games, to going on dates, to just playing guitar. Some where in the past few years I havent been able to get all that together and last weekend was just about perfect in letting me know that I had hope.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Death and taxes
Its election day, but I wont talk about that. This isnt really the political forum. But I will talk about something equally as depressing, death and family.
I am currently training to run a half marathon so I run a few miles through my neighborhood every day to help get ready. My route always starts off the same way and I pass by neighbors house. Last year they suffered a terrible tragedy of losing their father. I was not close with the family but after almost losing my father a few years ago I can only feel a glimpse of pain they have gone through. The most haunting part of all of it for me is running by the house every day and seeing his car still parked in the drive way. So today on my little run I thought of this story....Here goes
Untitled
He walked out the back door and opened a new beer. The cold night startled him. The sky was clear and there was little wind. Everything stood still.
He pulled the keys out of his jacket pocket and they dangled like wind chimes until he wrapped them in his palm.
He approached the car with caution. The warning lights lit up the woods in the back yard as he unlocked the doors. The leather drivers seat moaned as he sat down and shut the door. He put on the seat belt and put his hands on the steering wheel at 10 and 2 like he'd been taught years ago. He began to cry.
The tears came hard and fast. he sat there with his head collapsed on the steering wheel between his two hands.
He sat up and dried his eyes. He looke at himself in the rearview mirror. He looked like his father. He had always noticed their similar build but more recently he noticed him more in his eyes and furrowed brow. He lit a cigarette. He exhaled. The warm smoke mixed with the cold, fall air trapped in the car. His hands trembled.
He did this once a month.
After closing his eyes, he traced the leather trim of the door's interior and felt the crack where the left elbow wore it thin.
He looked out the car into the back yard. He thought about learning how to throw a football and how the ball felt leaving his fingertips like the steering wheel in front of him now. He thought of the beer his father gave him after the 1st time he mowed the yard all by himself and how different the beer in the cup holder of the car tasted to him 20 years later.
He pulled out his cell phone. He pressed 2 and send. It went straight to voicemail. It always did now. He heard his fathers voice and started to cry again. He closed the phone after hearing the beep. He never left a message. He was too afraid of what he would say.
He doubled over in pain. His tears mixed with snot. He couldnt control anything. The seat belt locked in place.
He finally collected himself. He finished the beer and got out of the car. He locked the doors behind him and picked a burgandy leaf out of the windshield wipers.
He stopped at the bottom of the stairs to the back door. He looked back at the car. It took everything he had to walk back in that house.
I am currently training to run a half marathon so I run a few miles through my neighborhood every day to help get ready. My route always starts off the same way and I pass by neighbors house. Last year they suffered a terrible tragedy of losing their father. I was not close with the family but after almost losing my father a few years ago I can only feel a glimpse of pain they have gone through. The most haunting part of all of it for me is running by the house every day and seeing his car still parked in the drive way. So today on my little run I thought of this story....Here goes
Untitled
He walked out the back door and opened a new beer. The cold night startled him. The sky was clear and there was little wind. Everything stood still.
He pulled the keys out of his jacket pocket and they dangled like wind chimes until he wrapped them in his palm.
He approached the car with caution. The warning lights lit up the woods in the back yard as he unlocked the doors. The leather drivers seat moaned as he sat down and shut the door. He put on the seat belt and put his hands on the steering wheel at 10 and 2 like he'd been taught years ago. He began to cry.
The tears came hard and fast. he sat there with his head collapsed on the steering wheel between his two hands.
He sat up and dried his eyes. He looke at himself in the rearview mirror. He looked like his father. He had always noticed their similar build but more recently he noticed him more in his eyes and furrowed brow. He lit a cigarette. He exhaled. The warm smoke mixed with the cold, fall air trapped in the car. His hands trembled.
He did this once a month.
After closing his eyes, he traced the leather trim of the door's interior and felt the crack where the left elbow wore it thin.
He looked out the car into the back yard. He thought about learning how to throw a football and how the ball felt leaving his fingertips like the steering wheel in front of him now. He thought of the beer his father gave him after the 1st time he mowed the yard all by himself and how different the beer in the cup holder of the car tasted to him 20 years later.
He pulled out his cell phone. He pressed 2 and send. It went straight to voicemail. It always did now. He heard his fathers voice and started to cry again. He closed the phone after hearing the beep. He never left a message. He was too afraid of what he would say.
He doubled over in pain. His tears mixed with snot. He couldnt control anything. The seat belt locked in place.
He finally collected himself. He finished the beer and got out of the car. He locked the doors behind him and picked a burgandy leaf out of the windshield wipers.
He stopped at the bottom of the stairs to the back door. He looked back at the car. It took everything he had to walk back in that house.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Marriage
Dont worry...everyone's doing it.
People are always gettin married. I feel like I am at or in 3 weddings a summer. Dont get me wrong, I love dressing up, eating someone elses food and drinking free booze. its the other stuff that scares the shit out of me.
Maybe I am scared of Commitment.
But after years of not falling in love and hearing that "one day you'll find the right one" bull shit I just generally dont really care about getting married...or having kids but thats a whole different blog.
Now dont get me wrong, I am not opposed to marriage. It sounds like a great idea. Being so in love with someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with that person. I have never had emotion anywhere close to that. My two longest relationships have lasted 6-8 months. (Sorry Whitney, apparently 7th/8th grade dont really count these days).
I had my heart torn out of my chest in college, and I know everyone does, but for some reason I think it still hasnt resolved some trust issues I have with the opposite sex. The whole relationship was my fault but you cant help who you fall in love with. And after just losing 100lbs in college I didnt care that the 1st girl who told me I was attractive to my face was currently dating someone else.
I fell hard. We are talking 1st love hard but I could never tell her and she only texted it to me.
Needless to say, Im a bit gaurded.
I am 25. I have friends that are already married, I have friends that are about to get married, and I have friends that like me dont know if they'll ever get married.
The best thing about the whole situation for me is that I have no pressure to get married. My family is very laid back about the whole thing. The joke of me being the last male Strader and passing on the family line doesnt really phase me any more, I could always adopt a child.
But what does it say about Marriage when almost everyone I know thats married for a little bit of time tells me to wait or dont ever get married? Sometimes its a joke after dealing with the spouse in a situation that having a spouse would be taxing, but this has often crept up in serious coversations with close family and friends.
My lack of care about marriage comes as a result from two polar opposite situations.
my parents have been married for about a million years. They have lived through 3 damn kids, lost jobs, lost dogs, lost houses, lost money. There were times I thought they'd split, esp when you are a child and you hear a fight and it seems like every kid you meet in school has two sets of parents. There are also times when I wondered why they were married at the same time. But 30 some years is a lifetime to spend with somone. The best peice of advice I ever got from my dad about marriage is to marry someone you can talk to when the sex is over. It took me a long time to understand this, because when your 18 and full of lust this doesnt make sense. But last weekend my parents just drove around and did nothing apparently. And the fact that they are able to do that to this day is a little bit of hope.
The other side is divorce. I have seen two people I love dearly suffer such immense pain from the hurt of love and marriage that it turned me off all together. My sister and one of my best friends were married less than 6 months before both relationships crumbled. And too be honest, in both cases I was absolutely floored. There are many different angels to examine but just seeing their pain and comforting them through tears was enough to scare the hell out of me. I saw two couples I thought were totally in love end so quick.
I dont know if I am built for marriage and maybe one day Ill find out. Yes, I have trust issues that have ruined past relationships. But getting married any time soon seems absurd to me but who knows who I could meet tomorrow at lunch or next weekend.
I try not to rule out anything so I try to stay open to my options. The idea sounds great but I know who I am and what I love. Those three things are sports, movies, music. Those are in no particular order. Finding a girl that "gets" these things about me and takes part in them is really all I need. I like to share my interests not just have them. I love the exchange of ideas and creating new things as well. I dont want to just have a movie room where I do shit alone and seperate from my wife/GF.
and Yes, I know there are somethings I will have to bend on over time, but I think if I found the right girl that alot of this would be second nature.
I dont know much of love, but I am still looking and listening. The rest can fucking wait.
People are always gettin married. I feel like I am at or in 3 weddings a summer. Dont get me wrong, I love dressing up, eating someone elses food and drinking free booze. its the other stuff that scares the shit out of me.
Maybe I am scared of Commitment.
But after years of not falling in love and hearing that "one day you'll find the right one" bull shit I just generally dont really care about getting married...or having kids but thats a whole different blog.
Now dont get me wrong, I am not opposed to marriage. It sounds like a great idea. Being so in love with someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with that person. I have never had emotion anywhere close to that. My two longest relationships have lasted 6-8 months. (Sorry Whitney, apparently 7th/8th grade dont really count these days).
I had my heart torn out of my chest in college, and I know everyone does, but for some reason I think it still hasnt resolved some trust issues I have with the opposite sex. The whole relationship was my fault but you cant help who you fall in love with. And after just losing 100lbs in college I didnt care that the 1st girl who told me I was attractive to my face was currently dating someone else.
I fell hard. We are talking 1st love hard but I could never tell her and she only texted it to me.
Needless to say, Im a bit gaurded.
I am 25. I have friends that are already married, I have friends that are about to get married, and I have friends that like me dont know if they'll ever get married.
The best thing about the whole situation for me is that I have no pressure to get married. My family is very laid back about the whole thing. The joke of me being the last male Strader and passing on the family line doesnt really phase me any more, I could always adopt a child.
But what does it say about Marriage when almost everyone I know thats married for a little bit of time tells me to wait or dont ever get married? Sometimes its a joke after dealing with the spouse in a situation that having a spouse would be taxing, but this has often crept up in serious coversations with close family and friends.
My lack of care about marriage comes as a result from two polar opposite situations.
my parents have been married for about a million years. They have lived through 3 damn kids, lost jobs, lost dogs, lost houses, lost money. There were times I thought they'd split, esp when you are a child and you hear a fight and it seems like every kid you meet in school has two sets of parents. There are also times when I wondered why they were married at the same time. But 30 some years is a lifetime to spend with somone. The best peice of advice I ever got from my dad about marriage is to marry someone you can talk to when the sex is over. It took me a long time to understand this, because when your 18 and full of lust this doesnt make sense. But last weekend my parents just drove around and did nothing apparently. And the fact that they are able to do that to this day is a little bit of hope.
The other side is divorce. I have seen two people I love dearly suffer such immense pain from the hurt of love and marriage that it turned me off all together. My sister and one of my best friends were married less than 6 months before both relationships crumbled. And too be honest, in both cases I was absolutely floored. There are many different angels to examine but just seeing their pain and comforting them through tears was enough to scare the hell out of me. I saw two couples I thought were totally in love end so quick.
I dont know if I am built for marriage and maybe one day Ill find out. Yes, I have trust issues that have ruined past relationships. But getting married any time soon seems absurd to me but who knows who I could meet tomorrow at lunch or next weekend.
I try not to rule out anything so I try to stay open to my options. The idea sounds great but I know who I am and what I love. Those three things are sports, movies, music. Those are in no particular order. Finding a girl that "gets" these things about me and takes part in them is really all I need. I like to share my interests not just have them. I love the exchange of ideas and creating new things as well. I dont want to just have a movie room where I do shit alone and seperate from my wife/GF.
and Yes, I know there are somethings I will have to bend on over time, but I think if I found the right girl that alot of this would be second nature.
I dont know much of love, but I am still looking and listening. The rest can fucking wait.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Halloween
Rough weekend. Lots of driving and working, which is never fun. A little too much booze in a costume and looking crazy while standing still.
Ive had the blog on ice for a bit, but its not like anyone really cares. I had some things crop up and I wondered how serious I should take this and if I should go foreward with the whole brutal honesty thing. So after letting work suck the life out of me and certain people saying a few things Ive come to the conclusion that I just dont give a damn.
Halloween
By far my favorite holiday, it beats all the other ones combined.
As a youngster Id lose sleep the night before just waiting to put on my costume and wear it to school.. Many years I was a vampire. Funny now because everyone thinks I look like a werewolf.
I drove 3 hrs round trip tonite to Raleigh to see my 2.5 yr old nephew go trick or treating. He was the cutest damn panda ever and I love that in a few years Ill be able to drunken scare the hell out of him and not get into too much trouble with his mom or my own.
I wasnt going to make the drive but friday I bought three new cds and I decided to listen to them and get to know them better and 3 hrs in the car was the perfect way.
I went for a 6 mile run the other day, training for a half marathon for no real reason, and listened to the new kings of leon album. I love it. I thought maybe them going to the slow and epic sound would piss me off cause I love their old rock stuff, but I cant hate a band for trying new stuff and it sounds good as hell.
This is the 1st halloween in years that I will spend in my own bed. The holiday got me in all kinds of trouble in college and in recent years. I get really into my costume and just get a little too drunk and end up in someone elses bed or on someone elses couch.
Freshman year I went to Frankin Street like everyone did, got hammered, unimpressed with the scene I walked through campus drunk. I dont remember any of it. All i know is that my prom date from senior year of high school saw me wandering around and helped me back to my friends dorm and was my angel that night. I woke up the next morning with a hangover and a parking ticket.
Sophmore year I cant remember at all. I would have been old chunky luke, probably in a crazy costume. But its a total blank spot.
Junior year was a wild one. I was a jehova's witness and one of my best friends, Alexis, had her 21st bday that night. We hit the bars hard, I held hands with a girl I hardly knew and woke up alone at 11am in a sleeping bag with no clothes on and my bare ass showing for anyone to see. I didnt make it to class.
Senior year was my craziest to date. Had lost all my weight. Grew m hair and beard out for 2 months to be wolverine. Awesome pictures. Was having an affair with a girl. Went home with her that night, unreal, she was xena. I walked home, shaved my beard still drunk at 4am and got up at 8am to drive to ATL with my friend Eric to stay with our friend ryan and go see a football game.
Victory Lap. App game, at night, all dressed like superheros. App won by about 70. I was the human torch from the fantastic 4 in skin tight leggings and underarmour. Got drunk off everclear at a house party after the game, made out with a girl who I didnt even know her name, got her number, woke up n the living room of the house and went to eat with all my boys still in my costume.
Last year. 2 months after the house fire. In the height of my full depression. Training to join the air force, went as a volleyball player from Top Gun. Covered in baby oil. Slept on a couch, after showering of course, all alone.
It was nice to take a year off this year. Hit the bars for a minute last night, but Ive been pushing things in the past and now Im just one day at a time.
Time to watch zombies eat people
Ive had the blog on ice for a bit, but its not like anyone really cares. I had some things crop up and I wondered how serious I should take this and if I should go foreward with the whole brutal honesty thing. So after letting work suck the life out of me and certain people saying a few things Ive come to the conclusion that I just dont give a damn.
Halloween
By far my favorite holiday, it beats all the other ones combined.
As a youngster Id lose sleep the night before just waiting to put on my costume and wear it to school.. Many years I was a vampire. Funny now because everyone thinks I look like a werewolf.
I drove 3 hrs round trip tonite to Raleigh to see my 2.5 yr old nephew go trick or treating. He was the cutest damn panda ever and I love that in a few years Ill be able to drunken scare the hell out of him and not get into too much trouble with his mom or my own.
I wasnt going to make the drive but friday I bought three new cds and I decided to listen to them and get to know them better and 3 hrs in the car was the perfect way.
I went for a 6 mile run the other day, training for a half marathon for no real reason, and listened to the new kings of leon album. I love it. I thought maybe them going to the slow and epic sound would piss me off cause I love their old rock stuff, but I cant hate a band for trying new stuff and it sounds good as hell.
This is the 1st halloween in years that I will spend in my own bed. The holiday got me in all kinds of trouble in college and in recent years. I get really into my costume and just get a little too drunk and end up in someone elses bed or on someone elses couch.
Freshman year I went to Frankin Street like everyone did, got hammered, unimpressed with the scene I walked through campus drunk. I dont remember any of it. All i know is that my prom date from senior year of high school saw me wandering around and helped me back to my friends dorm and was my angel that night. I woke up the next morning with a hangover and a parking ticket.
Sophmore year I cant remember at all. I would have been old chunky luke, probably in a crazy costume. But its a total blank spot.
Junior year was a wild one. I was a jehova's witness and one of my best friends, Alexis, had her 21st bday that night. We hit the bars hard, I held hands with a girl I hardly knew and woke up alone at 11am in a sleeping bag with no clothes on and my bare ass showing for anyone to see. I didnt make it to class.
Senior year was my craziest to date. Had lost all my weight. Grew m hair and beard out for 2 months to be wolverine. Awesome pictures. Was having an affair with a girl. Went home with her that night, unreal, she was xena. I walked home, shaved my beard still drunk at 4am and got up at 8am to drive to ATL with my friend Eric to stay with our friend ryan and go see a football game.
Victory Lap. App game, at night, all dressed like superheros. App won by about 70. I was the human torch from the fantastic 4 in skin tight leggings and underarmour. Got drunk off everclear at a house party after the game, made out with a girl who I didnt even know her name, got her number, woke up n the living room of the house and went to eat with all my boys still in my costume.
Last year. 2 months after the house fire. In the height of my full depression. Training to join the air force, went as a volleyball player from Top Gun. Covered in baby oil. Slept on a couch, after showering of course, all alone.
It was nice to take a year off this year. Hit the bars for a minute last night, but Ive been pushing things in the past and now Im just one day at a time.
Time to watch zombies eat people
Sunday, October 17, 2010
"Why do they call it a Jeffrey?"
Was driving home and listening to some music and for some damn reason thought about Jay Gatsby standing on the edge of his dock and reaching out. I have no idea where that came from but it is an amazing image and I just started writing. Gatsby would be all kinds of messed up inside, crazy love, we have all been there at one point but I havent read that book in forever and I cant remember if it skirts the issue or not. I may go back at read.
"Standing there at the waters edge
barefoot toes curling over the docks cold, wooden ledge
My windblown hair dirty with drops of the waters foam
I am reaching out, dying to bring you home
I loved you once, I've loved you forever
But a dark blue distance keeps us from being together
I turned to leave with your light behind me
Lighting a past thats getting a lot harder to see
I am taking off someone else's clothes, sleeping in someone else's bed
losing sleep over thoughts of you in my head
the man in the mirror now is just a ghost to me
too well dressed and clean for all the pain that I see
In a crowded room my eyes never leave you
Ive built my world to be your dream come true
All that I think is missing from my life is you
Ive built my world for you to be my dream come true
I see you beside him, I even shook his hand
my life consists of me living to be another man
the smile you give the world is different than the one you give me
I know that your love would be safe with me
So every night I walk outside, in the dark I hide
from the world the tears in my eyes
You'll be loved if you just take my hand
and allow me to finally be your man"
"Standing there at the waters edge
barefoot toes curling over the docks cold, wooden ledge
My windblown hair dirty with drops of the waters foam
I am reaching out, dying to bring you home
I loved you once, I've loved you forever
But a dark blue distance keeps us from being together
I turned to leave with your light behind me
Lighting a past thats getting a lot harder to see
I am taking off someone else's clothes, sleeping in someone else's bed
losing sleep over thoughts of you in my head
the man in the mirror now is just a ghost to me
too well dressed and clean for all the pain that I see
In a crowded room my eyes never leave you
Ive built my world to be your dream come true
All that I think is missing from my life is you
Ive built my world for you to be my dream come true
I see you beside him, I even shook his hand
my life consists of me living to be another man
the smile you give the world is different than the one you give me
I know that your love would be safe with me
So every night I walk outside, in the dark I hide
from the world the tears in my eyes
You'll be loved if you just take my hand
and allow me to finally be your man"
Friday, October 15, 2010
Rock Climbing with Stallone
Every girl that leaves takes another peice of me
so much I am afraid of what the next wont see
I wander from here looking for myself
collecting the parts still suffering in frozen ground
Pieces of me litter little parts of this big world
all because I feel in love with another girl
one after the other leaves their mark on me
from scarlett letters to pain she cant see
I am walking shorelines and long open roads
to bring the missing parts of me back home
i was blind then, so how could I know?
started walking not knowing where to go
One by one I am picking up the pieces
one by one I am facing all my demons
but putting myself together isnt that simple
because my broken hearted hands still tremble
I am scared of feeling complete
I am scared of letting someone else love me
because I am tired of listing all my faults
and falling in love with me shouldnt be her fault
But soon enough, Ive put myself back together
just yesterday, I swore it would take forever
But now I am boring and feel so paralyzed
by falling in love with the look in another girl's eyes
so much I am afraid of what the next wont see
I wander from here looking for myself
collecting the parts still suffering in frozen ground
Pieces of me litter little parts of this big world
all because I feel in love with another girl
one after the other leaves their mark on me
from scarlett letters to pain she cant see
I am walking shorelines and long open roads
to bring the missing parts of me back home
i was blind then, so how could I know?
started walking not knowing where to go
One by one I am picking up the pieces
one by one I am facing all my demons
but putting myself together isnt that simple
because my broken hearted hands still tremble
I am scared of feeling complete
I am scared of letting someone else love me
because I am tired of listing all my faults
and falling in love with me shouldnt be her fault
But soon enough, Ive put myself back together
just yesterday, I swore it would take forever
But now I am boring and feel so paralyzed
by falling in love with the look in another girl's eyes
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Striking Out
I am losing it
I cant even hold on to my dream of you
dont know why I miss you like I do
its sad but true
there isnt something new
Me here dreaming of falling in love with you
i dont know why
im a sucker for your eyes
thinking about your mouth
kissing into a smile to erase my doubt
I am drowning
I cant swim under the weight of my life
I worry so much that I lose sleep
about all the ways I could sweep you off your feet
I look around all these crashing waves
head above water just dying to be saved
by a kiss in the morning after you stayed
I am searching for God
resting my faith in your soft hands
open my eyes and set me free
wipe the tears and conquer my fears
that I'll walk alone the rest of these years
I'll let you love me only if you can save me
I am lost
found myself wrapped around your little finger
just enough to let things linger
but I am still in the dark
using my hands to look for your heart
but I still stumble
looking for love keeps me humble
get shot down
sit down and look around
complain about there not being a woman in this god damn town
I am nobody's boy
just a toy
a get away car with an easy smile
its the way I talk that leaves me alone
the place you go when you run away from home
but not the place you'd live
the boy that helps you forget
and realize the man you still miss
I am good and bad
the happy and sad
laughing at a funeral
crying at a wedding
tied down and twisted
looking for the life I ought to be living
I hoped it was with you
hoping all I needed was to fall in love with you
I cant even hold on to my dream of you
dont know why I miss you like I do
its sad but true
there isnt something new
Me here dreaming of falling in love with you
i dont know why
im a sucker for your eyes
thinking about your mouth
kissing into a smile to erase my doubt
I am drowning
I cant swim under the weight of my life
I worry so much that I lose sleep
about all the ways I could sweep you off your feet
I look around all these crashing waves
head above water just dying to be saved
by a kiss in the morning after you stayed
I am searching for God
resting my faith in your soft hands
open my eyes and set me free
wipe the tears and conquer my fears
that I'll walk alone the rest of these years
I'll let you love me only if you can save me
I am lost
found myself wrapped around your little finger
just enough to let things linger
but I am still in the dark
using my hands to look for your heart
but I still stumble
looking for love keeps me humble
get shot down
sit down and look around
complain about there not being a woman in this god damn town
I am nobody's boy
just a toy
a get away car with an easy smile
its the way I talk that leaves me alone
the place you go when you run away from home
but not the place you'd live
the boy that helps you forget
and realize the man you still miss
I am good and bad
the happy and sad
laughing at a funeral
crying at a wedding
tied down and twisted
looking for the life I ought to be living
I hoped it was with you
hoping all I needed was to fall in love with you
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
"In the water, where you came from"
We live in the digital age.
i learned how to type and play computer games before I learned how to play anything else. I grew up with a game controller in my hand playing simulation sports, war, magic games. I grew up in a world that has now collasped on top of me in every way digital. Phone, internet, work...all computer driven.
I dont hate technology by any means, I love my ipod, laptop and the luxuries it affords me in my everyday life. I dont call myself lazy. that label is for people who dont get anything done, i am efficient. I get done what I need to at the speed I want and technology lets me do that when I want. I sat at work today checking emails, typing emails, looking at invoices, listening to music, and texting two different people all while checking facebook comments that have gone on amber alert for badass this weekend.
But I am startled at how technology effects me on a day to day basis. Right down to human interaction. I deal with hundreds of customers and I manage over 20 employees on a daily basis and its amazing to see people who dont know how to simply communicate with other people. You say hello to someone and they almost look like they dont know how to respond back to you. Its not a rude thing, its a fact that they are so out of practice with the world that pure human interaction almost haunts them like analog music and dial up internet.
The craziest part of the digital age for me is the whole dating, meeting people thing. I consider myself a people person, a serious flirt, and just someone that will do anything at anytime. But as I graduated college the pool you swim in gets smaller. your friends move, you break up with girls and you work 40-60 hr weeks. But I can come home and log onto facebook and there a beautiful girl is smiling at me, one that I know on a personal level, one that I know a lot of things about, one that I can easily be in contact with. You can stay in great contact with someone that lives on the other side of the globe like you see them every day, and now because of facebook, you do. You see them grow up, you see their ex boyfriends, you know their friends that you havent met because they are tagged in photos and comments are made.
The crazy part is where you draw the line or start something out of the digital air. you text people, carry on conversations every day, through out the day but sometimes you have gone hours without hearing your own voice and maybe havent heard theirs in days, weeks, ever?
I dated a girl and we never talked on the phone. All we did was text. we hung out on the weekends and never skipped a beat. Things were good but the relationship took on the brunt of some huge personal issues that I was going through with being unemployed and the house fire a year ago. but even through all of that our interpersonal relationship and communication never suffered even if we did only argue on the phone.
I met my ex girlfriend through facebook. She was the sister of one of my best friends. She saw a picture of me, asked her sister about me and it started from there. One problem...she lived in asia at the time. I friended her on facebook and we started talking. Wall posts turned into messages. The messages got longer and then we skyped. I felt like I was dating a girl for a few weeks before I had even seen her in person. It felt natural. We had a great 1st date, talked for hours and never missed a beat. We ended up dating for the next 6/7 months and she also lived in a different city.
so I guess there is some hope out there in the thin air of your cell phone towers. Some how enough electricty can pass through a text or phone call. you can be turned on by a photo of a girl you hardly know, you can have a conversation now with a person and never know what their voice sounds like. Love, affection, desire comes in many forms. I have to thank technology for helping me find a little bit of all those things in my life.
But no matter how much things appear on paper its the real thing that has to click. you'll know it too, the 1st time you meet someone, make real eye contact with them, touch their skin, taste their lips. It all clicks or it doesnt.
Its cool to know it can start from anywhere out there
i learned how to type and play computer games before I learned how to play anything else. I grew up with a game controller in my hand playing simulation sports, war, magic games. I grew up in a world that has now collasped on top of me in every way digital. Phone, internet, work...all computer driven.
I dont hate technology by any means, I love my ipod, laptop and the luxuries it affords me in my everyday life. I dont call myself lazy. that label is for people who dont get anything done, i am efficient. I get done what I need to at the speed I want and technology lets me do that when I want. I sat at work today checking emails, typing emails, looking at invoices, listening to music, and texting two different people all while checking facebook comments that have gone on amber alert for badass this weekend.
But I am startled at how technology effects me on a day to day basis. Right down to human interaction. I deal with hundreds of customers and I manage over 20 employees on a daily basis and its amazing to see people who dont know how to simply communicate with other people. You say hello to someone and they almost look like they dont know how to respond back to you. Its not a rude thing, its a fact that they are so out of practice with the world that pure human interaction almost haunts them like analog music and dial up internet.
The craziest part of the digital age for me is the whole dating, meeting people thing. I consider myself a people person, a serious flirt, and just someone that will do anything at anytime. But as I graduated college the pool you swim in gets smaller. your friends move, you break up with girls and you work 40-60 hr weeks. But I can come home and log onto facebook and there a beautiful girl is smiling at me, one that I know on a personal level, one that I know a lot of things about, one that I can easily be in contact with. You can stay in great contact with someone that lives on the other side of the globe like you see them every day, and now because of facebook, you do. You see them grow up, you see their ex boyfriends, you know their friends that you havent met because they are tagged in photos and comments are made.
The crazy part is where you draw the line or start something out of the digital air. you text people, carry on conversations every day, through out the day but sometimes you have gone hours without hearing your own voice and maybe havent heard theirs in days, weeks, ever?
I dated a girl and we never talked on the phone. All we did was text. we hung out on the weekends and never skipped a beat. Things were good but the relationship took on the brunt of some huge personal issues that I was going through with being unemployed and the house fire a year ago. but even through all of that our interpersonal relationship and communication never suffered even if we did only argue on the phone.
I met my ex girlfriend through facebook. She was the sister of one of my best friends. She saw a picture of me, asked her sister about me and it started from there. One problem...she lived in asia at the time. I friended her on facebook and we started talking. Wall posts turned into messages. The messages got longer and then we skyped. I felt like I was dating a girl for a few weeks before I had even seen her in person. It felt natural. We had a great 1st date, talked for hours and never missed a beat. We ended up dating for the next 6/7 months and she also lived in a different city.
so I guess there is some hope out there in the thin air of your cell phone towers. Some how enough electricty can pass through a text or phone call. you can be turned on by a photo of a girl you hardly know, you can have a conversation now with a person and never know what their voice sounds like. Love, affection, desire comes in many forms. I have to thank technology for helping me find a little bit of all those things in my life.
But no matter how much things appear on paper its the real thing that has to click. you'll know it too, the 1st time you meet someone, make real eye contact with them, touch their skin, taste their lips. It all clicks or it doesnt.
Its cool to know it can start from anywhere out there
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
iPOD and my life
so I live on music, all these lists on facebook have me thinking about what my most played on my iPOD would be...so here it is
1) The End of Heartache - Killswitch Engage
2) Rose of Sharyn - Killswitch Engage
3) Grey Room - Damien Rice
4) Slow Dancing in a Burning Room - John Mayer
5) Hello, Im in Deleware - City and Colour
6) Like Knives - City and Colour
7) In the Water, I am Beautiful - City and Colour
8) Collapse the Light into Earth - Porcupine Tree
9) Heartattack in a lay By - Porcupine Tree
10) Ode to the sun - dredg
11) The Blowers Daughter - Damien Rice
12) 9 Crimes - Damien Rice
13) Fixiation on the Darkness - Killswitch Engage
14) Delicate - Damien Rice
15) Cannonball - Damien Rice
16) The Arms of Sorrow - Killswitch Engage
17) Bug Eyes - Dredg
18) Ghost - Howie Day
19) My curse - Killswitch Engage
20) Aime - Damien Rice
21) Breathe Life - Killswitch Engage
22) A Smart Kid - Killswitch Engage
23) Arriving Somewhere but not here - Porcupine Tree
24) Laid To Rest - Lamb of God
25) Self Revolution - Killswitch Engage
...So I have very little diversity haha. Which is pretty fun. Got the ipod in college, worked out alot to killswitch, wrote to Damien Rice, fell asleep to porcupine tree. The funny thing is that I have only one song from two of my favorite bands..Lamb of God's song. Nothing from metallica..slackin on my pimpin.
Ready for Badass...the ultimate guys weekend coming up. Survival isnt guaranteed.
1) The End of Heartache - Killswitch Engage
2) Rose of Sharyn - Killswitch Engage
3) Grey Room - Damien Rice
4) Slow Dancing in a Burning Room - John Mayer
5) Hello, Im in Deleware - City and Colour
6) Like Knives - City and Colour
7) In the Water, I am Beautiful - City and Colour
8) Collapse the Light into Earth - Porcupine Tree
9) Heartattack in a lay By - Porcupine Tree
10) Ode to the sun - dredg
11) The Blowers Daughter - Damien Rice
12) 9 Crimes - Damien Rice
13) Fixiation on the Darkness - Killswitch Engage
14) Delicate - Damien Rice
15) Cannonball - Damien Rice
16) The Arms of Sorrow - Killswitch Engage
17) Bug Eyes - Dredg
18) Ghost - Howie Day
19) My curse - Killswitch Engage
20) Aime - Damien Rice
21) Breathe Life - Killswitch Engage
22) A Smart Kid - Killswitch Engage
23) Arriving Somewhere but not here - Porcupine Tree
24) Laid To Rest - Lamb of God
25) Self Revolution - Killswitch Engage
...So I have very little diversity haha. Which is pretty fun. Got the ipod in college, worked out alot to killswitch, wrote to Damien Rice, fell asleep to porcupine tree. The funny thing is that I have only one song from two of my favorite bands..Lamb of God's song. Nothing from metallica..slackin on my pimpin.
Ready for Badass...the ultimate guys weekend coming up. Survival isnt guaranteed.
Monday, October 4, 2010
cheating, but these are 15 films that stick with you, not all time favs or anything like that, just ones you wont forget
1) Terminator 2 - This was the first movie I ever got as a gift. Got it from dad for my 7th xmas, pretty sure he bought it for himself but gave it to me. I watched this movie on repeat. Came on AMC alot last summer, doesnt hold up great but there is nothing better than watching Linda Hamilton doing her lesbian pullups
2) Days of Thunder - Let me preface this with the fact that I hate nascar with a passion. But old Tom Cruise and Co got me here. I think the movie is totally validated by Robert Duval's performance and some of the best lines in shit cinema history. Plus, who doesnt love 1st person point of view racing.
3) Ace Ventura - My Whole Family is obsessed with this movie. It is def my favorite Carrey movie and its a great character. Some great quotes and nothing better than finkle's tucked package and "thats not snowflake" Everything about this movie is funny as shit to me.
4) Christmas Vacation - By far the best xmas movie, my family watches it every year usually drunk as hell and we never make it through. Nothing beats some Cousin Eddy quotes and Chevy's rant at the end..."holy shit, where's the tylenol"
5) Dumb and Dumber - I mean really, this is the ultimate guys movie. My best friends and I from high school can actually quote the whole movie start to finish without it being played. We did this at Crunktoberfest one year at app. Great one lines and Jeff Daniels steals the show.
6) Ghostbusters - Bill Murray playing the random piano notes..."They Hate that" I had a jumpsuit, boots, proton pack as a kid that I wore everywhere. I was an 8 yr old napoleon dynamite
7) Requiem for a Dream - My sister brooke made me watch this movie when I was 14 years old. It scared the living shit out of me and is one of the major factors why I never ventured into the world of illegal substances. Some haunting scenes and images and injecting that needle into the infection about made me vomit
8) Monster Squad - Probably one of the most unknown films people need to see as a kid. Totally holds up and has some great lines. Dont know how or where I saw this as a kid but I saw it often...and yes Rich, Wolfman still has nards
9) Childs Play - Fucking Chucky. This movie terrified me and gave me nightmares for years as a kid. I was like 6 or 7 when the 1st one came out and just the idea of a god damn doll that would kill you is universaly scary to any child. I think I was in middle school before I tried to watch it again.
10) Aliens - The 2nd one, bill paxton's genius. I was forced to watch this movie during the great march ice storm of 1992. My family had to go to some friends house because we lost power for almost 2 weeks. Lost cable during the ACC tourney and they decided to throw this shit on and it killed me. Looking back i really enjoy the film.
11) Halloween - Hands down the scariest movie to me. A killer with no voice, no emotion, never runs. The frame work for the film is great too and its soundtrack is what makes it last.
12) Braveheart - was in middle school when this came out and when you are going through puberty this is about as cool as it gets. Some classic lines, cool scenes and the soundtrack is fuckin sweet. 1st movie I remember actually crying in, which when you are a middle school boy is totally uncool.
13) Super Troopers - Got drunk at a friends house while his rents were outta town. Stayed up late as fuck, Robotripped and popped this movie and had a field day. In the middled of the moive a friend of mine sleptwalked and hit his knee because it was asleep, ive never seen a person hit themsevles that hard.
14) X-men - lets be honest, I am a giant comic book nerd. and to see this movie on film and done the right way made me very happy. I hated the casting of Halle Berry at the time, but I think the rest of the cast was well done. While there were some minor flaws in the plots lines I think Seeing my favorite comicbook and character (wolverine) blew my damn mind. Plus, just rewatch the 1st scene at the concentration camp with young magneto...awesome
15) Star Wars 4,5,6 - Cant seperate them at all, and if you are a nerd like I am these are the shit. Read most of the books that came out after. These movies still hold up to me story wise and get my nerd boner in full mast. IF any of them are on TV I will watch
1) Terminator 2 - This was the first movie I ever got as a gift. Got it from dad for my 7th xmas, pretty sure he bought it for himself but gave it to me. I watched this movie on repeat. Came on AMC alot last summer, doesnt hold up great but there is nothing better than watching Linda Hamilton doing her lesbian pullups
2) Days of Thunder - Let me preface this with the fact that I hate nascar with a passion. But old Tom Cruise and Co got me here. I think the movie is totally validated by Robert Duval's performance and some of the best lines in shit cinema history. Plus, who doesnt love 1st person point of view racing.
3) Ace Ventura - My Whole Family is obsessed with this movie. It is def my favorite Carrey movie and its a great character. Some great quotes and nothing better than finkle's tucked package and "thats not snowflake" Everything about this movie is funny as shit to me.
4) Christmas Vacation - By far the best xmas movie, my family watches it every year usually drunk as hell and we never make it through. Nothing beats some Cousin Eddy quotes and Chevy's rant at the end..."holy shit, where's the tylenol"
5) Dumb and Dumber - I mean really, this is the ultimate guys movie. My best friends and I from high school can actually quote the whole movie start to finish without it being played. We did this at Crunktoberfest one year at app. Great one lines and Jeff Daniels steals the show.
6) Ghostbusters - Bill Murray playing the random piano notes..."They Hate that" I had a jumpsuit, boots, proton pack as a kid that I wore everywhere. I was an 8 yr old napoleon dynamite
7) Requiem for a Dream - My sister brooke made me watch this movie when I was 14 years old. It scared the living shit out of me and is one of the major factors why I never ventured into the world of illegal substances. Some haunting scenes and images and injecting that needle into the infection about made me vomit
8) Monster Squad - Probably one of the most unknown films people need to see as a kid. Totally holds up and has some great lines. Dont know how or where I saw this as a kid but I saw it often...and yes Rich, Wolfman still has nards
9) Childs Play - Fucking Chucky. This movie terrified me and gave me nightmares for years as a kid. I was like 6 or 7 when the 1st one came out and just the idea of a god damn doll that would kill you is universaly scary to any child. I think I was in middle school before I tried to watch it again.
10) Aliens - The 2nd one, bill paxton's genius. I was forced to watch this movie during the great march ice storm of 1992. My family had to go to some friends house because we lost power for almost 2 weeks. Lost cable during the ACC tourney and they decided to throw this shit on and it killed me. Looking back i really enjoy the film.
11) Halloween - Hands down the scariest movie to me. A killer with no voice, no emotion, never runs. The frame work for the film is great too and its soundtrack is what makes it last.
12) Braveheart - was in middle school when this came out and when you are going through puberty this is about as cool as it gets. Some classic lines, cool scenes and the soundtrack is fuckin sweet. 1st movie I remember actually crying in, which when you are a middle school boy is totally uncool.
13) Super Troopers - Got drunk at a friends house while his rents were outta town. Stayed up late as fuck, Robotripped and popped this movie and had a field day. In the middled of the moive a friend of mine sleptwalked and hit his knee because it was asleep, ive never seen a person hit themsevles that hard.
14) X-men - lets be honest, I am a giant comic book nerd. and to see this movie on film and done the right way made me very happy. I hated the casting of Halle Berry at the time, but I think the rest of the cast was well done. While there were some minor flaws in the plots lines I think Seeing my favorite comicbook and character (wolverine) blew my damn mind. Plus, just rewatch the 1st scene at the concentration camp with young magneto...awesome
15) Star Wars 4,5,6 - Cant seperate them at all, and if you are a nerd like I am these are the shit. Read most of the books that came out after. These movies still hold up to me story wise and get my nerd boner in full mast. IF any of them are on TV I will watch
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Hearing Damage
So I was pretty shocked last week at some people responding to the Fiction. That got me motivated to bring out some old notebooks from college and start writing again. I created a character named Chris for a short story and now that I am single and do very little on the weekends its very easy to have a few beers and find a blank page and let this character work his way out. There is a very dark side of me that comes out in my writing and people always worried about it. I think writing heavy is what allows me to smile the rest of the time. its my outlet. Here is a chapter out of a short story I wrote called "Beautiful Decay" let me know if you enjoy it.
Chapter 4 - Nightmare
I usually masturbate with my TV on in the background with local programming on mute while I watch porn at my computer. But tonight it’s on QVC. I’m naked, lying on top of my covers after my orgasm starring at the TV screen. The item for sale is a Tulipano Link necklace. It rests against a woman’s chest. Skin, gold, and hair are the only thing in the TV frame. The next scene is a close up shot of the necklace being held by a pair of perfectly manicured hands. The hands look gigantic. The number of units sold box at the bottom of the screen climbs quickly. The woman wearing the necklace is now standing next to a black, velvet bust wearing the same necklace. The woman, in her mid 40’s, is also wearing several thick gold bracelets on her wrists. She smiles. There is nothing more pathetic than discount jewelry.
I have this reoccurring dream that I watch as the whole world burns. I can see everything. Anything that is beautiful or means something slowly burns to the ground. In my dream I cannot move. I am paralyzed. Everything is intensified and my senses are overloaded. There are screams and cries in the distance. Everyone is hopeless. The world is helpless. The sounds of buildings falling, wood cracking and sirens explode all around me. I can hear my father’s voice. I feel the heat from the flames as they consume everything around me. I try to look away or close my eyes but I can’t. I see the Eiffel Tower burning right next to the house I grew up in as a child. There are funeral processions of close friends and relatives. Their graves are covered in burnt flowers and broken picture frames. The oceans burn. The sky is beautiful. Dark, gray horizons bleed into the burgundy fingers of the orange, outstretched flames as the fire destroys everything. I realize throughout all the chaos that all of this is inevitable. There is no hope or common good in anything. There is only negativity in a world starving for attention. Truth does not exist. The world I live in has become an island from which there is no escape. There I am surrounded by the oncoming nothingness, the man who watches as the whole world burns to the ground. I am crying and I am alone.
Its 4:00 a.m. when I wake up. My face and hair are drenched in sweat. I sit up in bed and take several deep breathes. A man dressed in all black is playing guitar on TV and selling instructional DVD’s that he holds up with a hand that has incredibly long finger nails.
I walk into the kitchen and grab a beer from the fridge. I sit down on the 1,000 dollar recliner I took from my grandmother’s rest home when I came to school because no one visits her anymore. I start drinking. There are no lights on and the only sound in the room is coming from the fan propped up next to the TV. I don’t know what day it is.
Chapter 4 - Nightmare
I usually masturbate with my TV on in the background with local programming on mute while I watch porn at my computer. But tonight it’s on QVC. I’m naked, lying on top of my covers after my orgasm starring at the TV screen. The item for sale is a Tulipano Link necklace. It rests against a woman’s chest. Skin, gold, and hair are the only thing in the TV frame. The next scene is a close up shot of the necklace being held by a pair of perfectly manicured hands. The hands look gigantic. The number of units sold box at the bottom of the screen climbs quickly. The woman wearing the necklace is now standing next to a black, velvet bust wearing the same necklace. The woman, in her mid 40’s, is also wearing several thick gold bracelets on her wrists. She smiles. There is nothing more pathetic than discount jewelry.
I have this reoccurring dream that I watch as the whole world burns. I can see everything. Anything that is beautiful or means something slowly burns to the ground. In my dream I cannot move. I am paralyzed. Everything is intensified and my senses are overloaded. There are screams and cries in the distance. Everyone is hopeless. The world is helpless. The sounds of buildings falling, wood cracking and sirens explode all around me. I can hear my father’s voice. I feel the heat from the flames as they consume everything around me. I try to look away or close my eyes but I can’t. I see the Eiffel Tower burning right next to the house I grew up in as a child. There are funeral processions of close friends and relatives. Their graves are covered in burnt flowers and broken picture frames. The oceans burn. The sky is beautiful. Dark, gray horizons bleed into the burgundy fingers of the orange, outstretched flames as the fire destroys everything. I realize throughout all the chaos that all of this is inevitable. There is no hope or common good in anything. There is only negativity in a world starving for attention. Truth does not exist. The world I live in has become an island from which there is no escape. There I am surrounded by the oncoming nothingness, the man who watches as the whole world burns to the ground. I am crying and I am alone.
Its 4:00 a.m. when I wake up. My face and hair are drenched in sweat. I sit up in bed and take several deep breathes. A man dressed in all black is playing guitar on TV and selling instructional DVD’s that he holds up with a hand that has incredibly long finger nails.
I walk into the kitchen and grab a beer from the fridge. I sit down on the 1,000 dollar recliner I took from my grandmother’s rest home when I came to school because no one visits her anymore. I start drinking. There are no lights on and the only sound in the room is coming from the fan propped up next to the TV. I don’t know what day it is.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
flash fiction
"Who wouldnt want a Rob Pattinson haircut?" she asked me.
I looked at myself in the rearview mirror of her car and knew I'd never be good enough for her.
She turned to me and smiled, I put my hand on her leg. This was the appropriate response.
The truth was that neither of us loved the other. Sure, we said it out loud. It meant nothing more than the way I watch her throw away clothes.
We got off the highway. I ran my hands through my hair. She put on lipstick and pulled her hair into a pony tail. I looked again in the rearview mirror afraid to take off my sunglasses.
I walked slightly behind her as we went in the house. We had sex in her mom's bed. I flipped through channels while she showered.
We went to dinner. I barely ate anything that I ordered. The waiter brought me a box that I left on the table after I paid the bill. I pretended to be sick so we didnt have to go meet any of her friends.
We dont have sex again. She fell asleep with her back to me.
I left in the middle of the night and drive home. My father wass passed out in his chair, tv on, glass condensating on the nightstand. I showered and didnt dry off before I got in bed.
I couldnt tell if I was crying or if it was my wet hair.
Tomorrow is tuesday
I looked at myself in the rearview mirror of her car and knew I'd never be good enough for her.
She turned to me and smiled, I put my hand on her leg. This was the appropriate response.
The truth was that neither of us loved the other. Sure, we said it out loud. It meant nothing more than the way I watch her throw away clothes.
We got off the highway. I ran my hands through my hair. She put on lipstick and pulled her hair into a pony tail. I looked again in the rearview mirror afraid to take off my sunglasses.
I walked slightly behind her as we went in the house. We had sex in her mom's bed. I flipped through channels while she showered.
We went to dinner. I barely ate anything that I ordered. The waiter brought me a box that I left on the table after I paid the bill. I pretended to be sick so we didnt have to go meet any of her friends.
We dont have sex again. She fell asleep with her back to me.
I left in the middle of the night and drive home. My father wass passed out in his chair, tv on, glass condensating on the nightstand. I showered and didnt dry off before I got in bed.
I couldnt tell if I was crying or if it was my wet hair.
Tomorrow is tuesday
Monday, September 27, 2010
Ouch, Ouch..you're on my hair
1st dates.
A forced, awkward, intimate situation
A great deal of fun.
We all know what makes a bad 1st date because it becomes the last date.
What makes a great 1st date?
I dont know, but I will tell you my ideal 1st date and what has worked or not worked for me in the past.
I love 1st dates. they are probably some of my favorite things in the whole world. The best part is the build up to the date. You spend time liking somone, getting to know someone, stalking someone on facebook, talking to friends or just bumping into someone at the gym and it goes from there. Many ways and many different outcomes but its always a chance at a new beginning.
A lot of people freak out on 1st dates, esp guys. But I always looked at it in a positive way, she could have said no in the 1st place so at least you get your shot. I spent a long time in college chasing a girl that never knew so I vowed never to do that again. And I havent.
The best way for me to get a date was just hang out with the girl in very social situations and just talk to her. It makes things very relaxed, although playing it cool sometimes is the hardest fucking thing in the world for me to do. I am terribly uncool. But I always ask a girl if she would like to have dinner. Drinks seems to informal to me. Usually after some cat and mouse play we set a date and leave it kind of open.
The worst part of the 1st date for me is deciding what to wear. Yes, what to wear. I have a very basic wardrobe and it usually serves me well. But after years of college I have decided that I always go with a long sleeve button up shirt for the 1st date and shorts or pants depending on the weather. The reason I go long sleeve is two fold. One, I have a tattoo on my left bicep and the last thing I need is a tighter fitting shirt looking like I am trying to show off my tattoo. Its not even that cool and I hardly know its there. The 2nd reason I wear a button up is just comfort level. A tshirt looks too everyday and a polo looks to preppy.
The date setting for me is very basic and simple. I always cook and always like to be at her place. Start out by picking her up and then going to the store to get the ingredients. I usually go pasta, veggies and some chicken. Grocery shopping is fun and its a cool enviroment to see how she reacts. Maybe she grabs some cookies or maybe a bottle of wine. Lots of things to read into. Now, as cliche as me cookin appears (and it is) I love to cook. It runs in my family and I enjoy it. So the girl gets to relax, I let her ask the questions and enjoy some good food and wine. Pasta is easy to cook, so are veggies and chicken but there is still something very sexy about a kitchen...like grabbing a girl by her hips and setting her on the counter and making out right there...plenty of chances for that.
After dinner, do the dishes and its at this point that you know how the date is going. If you have good, flowing conversation chances are that they date is going well. Its all about eye contact and smiles. if she smiles and laughs, your good to go. I love movies, so I always suggest a good movie. But the movie cant be too serious or scary. I love old slasher films because they add a little tension and you can still talk and laugh at them. Made the mistake of watching the Shining on a date in high school because neither of us had seen it...def no make out.
A good 1st date ends with a decent make out on the couch and all of the sudden the movie has cut off. A good 1st date leaves you smiling on the front door steps and texting the girl you had a good time before you even get home that night. Never, ever wait a day boys. Thats silly and if you like the girl dont mess around.
What makes a good 1st date?
its the people. If the person you are with is fun to spend time with then it wont matter if you are cooking dinner, bowling, rock climbing or going to a concert. If it doesnt work out then you know what you really want in the next person. There is nothing wrong with moving on and looking. But there is nothing better than having fun.
A forced, awkward, intimate situation
A great deal of fun.
We all know what makes a bad 1st date because it becomes the last date.
What makes a great 1st date?
I dont know, but I will tell you my ideal 1st date and what has worked or not worked for me in the past.
I love 1st dates. they are probably some of my favorite things in the whole world. The best part is the build up to the date. You spend time liking somone, getting to know someone, stalking someone on facebook, talking to friends or just bumping into someone at the gym and it goes from there. Many ways and many different outcomes but its always a chance at a new beginning.
A lot of people freak out on 1st dates, esp guys. But I always looked at it in a positive way, she could have said no in the 1st place so at least you get your shot. I spent a long time in college chasing a girl that never knew so I vowed never to do that again. And I havent.
The best way for me to get a date was just hang out with the girl in very social situations and just talk to her. It makes things very relaxed, although playing it cool sometimes is the hardest fucking thing in the world for me to do. I am terribly uncool. But I always ask a girl if she would like to have dinner. Drinks seems to informal to me. Usually after some cat and mouse play we set a date and leave it kind of open.
The worst part of the 1st date for me is deciding what to wear. Yes, what to wear. I have a very basic wardrobe and it usually serves me well. But after years of college I have decided that I always go with a long sleeve button up shirt for the 1st date and shorts or pants depending on the weather. The reason I go long sleeve is two fold. One, I have a tattoo on my left bicep and the last thing I need is a tighter fitting shirt looking like I am trying to show off my tattoo. Its not even that cool and I hardly know its there. The 2nd reason I wear a button up is just comfort level. A tshirt looks too everyday and a polo looks to preppy.
The date setting for me is very basic and simple. I always cook and always like to be at her place. Start out by picking her up and then going to the store to get the ingredients. I usually go pasta, veggies and some chicken. Grocery shopping is fun and its a cool enviroment to see how she reacts. Maybe she grabs some cookies or maybe a bottle of wine. Lots of things to read into. Now, as cliche as me cookin appears (and it is) I love to cook. It runs in my family and I enjoy it. So the girl gets to relax, I let her ask the questions and enjoy some good food and wine. Pasta is easy to cook, so are veggies and chicken but there is still something very sexy about a kitchen...like grabbing a girl by her hips and setting her on the counter and making out right there...plenty of chances for that.
After dinner, do the dishes and its at this point that you know how the date is going. If you have good, flowing conversation chances are that they date is going well. Its all about eye contact and smiles. if she smiles and laughs, your good to go. I love movies, so I always suggest a good movie. But the movie cant be too serious or scary. I love old slasher films because they add a little tension and you can still talk and laugh at them. Made the mistake of watching the Shining on a date in high school because neither of us had seen it...def no make out.
A good 1st date ends with a decent make out on the couch and all of the sudden the movie has cut off. A good 1st date leaves you smiling on the front door steps and texting the girl you had a good time before you even get home that night. Never, ever wait a day boys. Thats silly and if you like the girl dont mess around.
What makes a good 1st date?
its the people. If the person you are with is fun to spend time with then it wont matter if you are cooking dinner, bowling, rock climbing or going to a concert. If it doesnt work out then you know what you really want in the next person. There is nothing wrong with moving on and looking. But there is nothing better than having fun.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Lip Smack
So I was having a pretty normal day. Then after work I had a fun and hilarious conversation with a good friend of mine. We were talking about relationships and silly things we'd both done recently. The subject of kissing came up and she told me thats what my next blog has to be about so here goes...
A kiss isnt just a kiss, it never is. We arent talking about kissing a relative or even a good night kiss. We are talking about a kiss thats looking for something. Passion, love, sex, fun...all of the above. A good kiss is a "god damn" moment that raises eye brows and blood pressure. A bad kiss sinks the titanic...just ask billy zane.
Lord knows Ive done my share of kissing. I spent the last 2.5 years of my college career doing quality research. to me the one thing that makes a great kiss is comptability and personality. I have kissed a lot of great kissers and they all had different ways of kissing, but their ability to learn on the fly as well as my own made the kiss/make out even better.
Lets start with a bad kiss, this came up today and after some thought on my last hook up and some of the connecting themes run through. The worst kinda kiss to me is the very open mouth, swallowing, lots of tounge kinda kiss. God forbid he/she scrapes you with some teeth. It's a smothering style of kiss that just kills it for me. I had a date a few years ago with a very beautiful girl. Everything was going great, there was an electric feel to the date and I was just dying to kiss her. We got back to her place and BOOM.....1st kiss I knew I would never feel anything special for her. I am pretty sure she was trying to eat my face much like Hannibal Lecter. After I pulled myself from her jaws and politely said good-nite I was so defeated. It was my 1st really bad kiss and after such a great night it sucked to have that happen. Same thing with another recent night. Great vibes, good dancing, a little sweaty...1st kiss just killed my drive. But looking at the parties involved I realized that personality drives their style. It lends itself to a person who is very dominating and controlling. Their suffocation of the person they kiss is them trying to take control of things and letting the other person know they dont have control. They are not bad people but when it comes to kissing it does very little for me.
A good kiss is a revelation. A good kiss comes from many places; spur of the moment, heat of passion, random bar. But they all have one thing in common, the ability to bring you right back in. A good kiss doesnt have to have a good starting point...the last lady I dated, man did I ruin the take off for that kiss. We'd had a great time on the date and I knew we would kiss but I never had my moment. So sitting in the car mid conversation I just went for it. I could have been bad, awful, could have ruined the month leading up to it. It was good, sweet and short. We pulled back and she smiled, suprised, but sometimes you have to say fuck it. We had monthes of great kissing but even our worst one had a strong end. a good kiss is all about learning. Its the persons ability to feel, adjust or just let go. So many things go into a kiss that its not just one thing. Dont let anyone fool you when they say it takes love or feeling to be a great kiss..thats bullshit. A girl I worked with a few years ago in college would always challenge me to see who could make out with the most people at a party...she always won because she would kiss girls which was totally worth it to me. But we ended up kissing and I never had an inkling of emotional connection to this girl but she was deffinately the best kisser I have ever come in contact with. Now is kissing someone your in love with great...absolutely. I love nothing more than to brush the hair of a woman's shoulder and kiss the back of her neck and collar bone.
A kiss is not just a kiss. A good kiss should remind you of something. Whether its the taste of red wine on the back porch at a party or the way cool lips and ice cream make you think of that one fourth of july...it takes you somewhere. So go out there, close your eyes and let your hands roam where they may because there is nothing better than a good kiss to make your day
A kiss isnt just a kiss, it never is. We arent talking about kissing a relative or even a good night kiss. We are talking about a kiss thats looking for something. Passion, love, sex, fun...all of the above. A good kiss is a "god damn" moment that raises eye brows and blood pressure. A bad kiss sinks the titanic...just ask billy zane.
Lord knows Ive done my share of kissing. I spent the last 2.5 years of my college career doing quality research. to me the one thing that makes a great kiss is comptability and personality. I have kissed a lot of great kissers and they all had different ways of kissing, but their ability to learn on the fly as well as my own made the kiss/make out even better.
Lets start with a bad kiss, this came up today and after some thought on my last hook up and some of the connecting themes run through. The worst kinda kiss to me is the very open mouth, swallowing, lots of tounge kinda kiss. God forbid he/she scrapes you with some teeth. It's a smothering style of kiss that just kills it for me. I had a date a few years ago with a very beautiful girl. Everything was going great, there was an electric feel to the date and I was just dying to kiss her. We got back to her place and BOOM.....1st kiss I knew I would never feel anything special for her. I am pretty sure she was trying to eat my face much like Hannibal Lecter. After I pulled myself from her jaws and politely said good-nite I was so defeated. It was my 1st really bad kiss and after such a great night it sucked to have that happen. Same thing with another recent night. Great vibes, good dancing, a little sweaty...1st kiss just killed my drive. But looking at the parties involved I realized that personality drives their style. It lends itself to a person who is very dominating and controlling. Their suffocation of the person they kiss is them trying to take control of things and letting the other person know they dont have control. They are not bad people but when it comes to kissing it does very little for me.
A good kiss is a revelation. A good kiss comes from many places; spur of the moment, heat of passion, random bar. But they all have one thing in common, the ability to bring you right back in. A good kiss doesnt have to have a good starting point...the last lady I dated, man did I ruin the take off for that kiss. We'd had a great time on the date and I knew we would kiss but I never had my moment. So sitting in the car mid conversation I just went for it. I could have been bad, awful, could have ruined the month leading up to it. It was good, sweet and short. We pulled back and she smiled, suprised, but sometimes you have to say fuck it. We had monthes of great kissing but even our worst one had a strong end. a good kiss is all about learning. Its the persons ability to feel, adjust or just let go. So many things go into a kiss that its not just one thing. Dont let anyone fool you when they say it takes love or feeling to be a great kiss..thats bullshit. A girl I worked with a few years ago in college would always challenge me to see who could make out with the most people at a party...she always won because she would kiss girls which was totally worth it to me. But we ended up kissing and I never had an inkling of emotional connection to this girl but she was deffinately the best kisser I have ever come in contact with. Now is kissing someone your in love with great...absolutely. I love nothing more than to brush the hair of a woman's shoulder and kiss the back of her neck and collar bone.
A kiss is not just a kiss. A good kiss should remind you of something. Whether its the taste of red wine on the back porch at a party or the way cool lips and ice cream make you think of that one fourth of july...it takes you somewhere. So go out there, close your eyes and let your hands roam where they may because there is nothing better than a good kiss to make your day
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
thunderstorm
"I spent all day with you on my mind
collecting a little pile of what you'd left behind
just a little bit of lace and some simple things
stuff you'd leave around when I'd watch you change
I looked around this old, dirty room
and realized how little space I left for you
understanding for the 1st time the things you said were true
that we were over by the time I said I loved you
The little black number that you wore on my birthday
the present I was always glad to open
lays on the floor next to my empty bed
collecting dust like words we never said
a picture of us fell behind my night stand
it sat there crumbled and with bent edges
i debated, but I ended up throwing it away
knowing that the smiles had already started to fade
you'd left hair ties all over this place
the one's you used to pull your hair out of your face
even though every time I kissed your face and it turned red
from my beard that you said you loved
The good times they just couldnt last
now I am here just cleaning up my past
You'd moved in and now you've moved on
because I couldnt be the man you could fall asleep on"
...had a bigger post planned, but Id rather listen to this storm.
collecting a little pile of what you'd left behind
just a little bit of lace and some simple things
stuff you'd leave around when I'd watch you change
I looked around this old, dirty room
and realized how little space I left for you
understanding for the 1st time the things you said were true
that we were over by the time I said I loved you
The little black number that you wore on my birthday
the present I was always glad to open
lays on the floor next to my empty bed
collecting dust like words we never said
a picture of us fell behind my night stand
it sat there crumbled and with bent edges
i debated, but I ended up throwing it away
knowing that the smiles had already started to fade
you'd left hair ties all over this place
the one's you used to pull your hair out of your face
even though every time I kissed your face and it turned red
from my beard that you said you loved
The good times they just couldnt last
now I am here just cleaning up my past
You'd moved in and now you've moved on
because I couldnt be the man you could fall asleep on"
...had a bigger post planned, but Id rather listen to this storm.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
What to pack?
been listening to lots of new music today. on the docket so far has been Decemberists - hazards of love; Bon Iver - for emma, forever ago; and bonnie "prince" billy - master and everyone. All three have been simply amazing and I am happy about that. Got an old dylan album, radiohead album, beck, and band of horses coming up.
I didnt watch glee tonite until the very end because I was listening to the bon iver album. Yes, I can sit alone for an hour and just listen to music and do nothing at all. Among my other weird obsessions are watching behind the scenes of movies and watching them with the commentary on, robots and teddy bears.
played golf today, loved it. Dad joined for a few holes and just rode with. Came home, got in a good workout and moved some furniture around so now my room finally looks like a real room complete with a dresser and all...incredible since we've only been back in since april.
After listening to my new music, I caught the last part of biggest loser. Not to piggy back off too much of last nites post, but I pretty much cry every time I watch the show because I know those struggles. I remember how hard it was to be so over weight and not feel any thing good about yourself. I remember how hard it was the 1st day I went on the treadmill at my apartment complex and I could only jog for 4.5 minutes. Alot's changed but its a great show and they absolutely do wonders with the people for the rest of their lives.
I am an easy crier. Yes, I Luke Strader cry like a baby in many instances. Consider me the millenial male; tall, dark, handsome and emo...haha. I come from a family of people that ball. Pretty much any time my whole family gets together my mom will cry; if my dad hears "travelin solider" by dixie chicks; if my sisters just see any sad movie or dogs. I cry at silly things. I cry at the end of movies easily...jesus, i cried in armageddon for christ sakes, the end of braveheart everytime...and Rudy, dont even go there. One day in college I watched the ultimate iron man contest in Hawaii and the whole time they did specials on people in the race who had overcome cancer, ran for dead family members, were disabled veterans and so on...needless to say I cried for about 2 hrs straight. Anyone that is a UNC fan and saw the E60 report on Jason Ray, he was the UNC mascot that was killed by a out of control diver during the NCAA tourney a few years ago and he was an organ donor, his organs saved 6 or 8 people and they brought all of them together to meet his parents. One of the few times I remember sobbing, my dad called me on the phone in the middle of the show and he was balling too.
The weird thing is that I cry at all those moments, have no fear of showing my emotions, but in situations under extreme emotion I close up. When my dad almost died a few years ago and we said our good-byes I remember not crying for days. I didnt cry when our house burned. I dont cry at funerals or weddings. I dont know what the difference is, something in me shuts down. I can feel it happen too. I had a few break ups that the same thing happened, I just shut down. Its almost as if I get so emotional that my anger takes over and I cant cry, I get mad. Maybe thats something I should work on, but if you want to see me cry just play a really good song or a sad bastard movie.
Some new writing from an old place...
"I never lied to her
this wasnt something we'd die for
I'm not the man she needs to cry for
because I cant be her man anymore
her voice cracked
as I removed myself from her life
the salt in her tears
would be the last time she'd taste me
she stared at me with unfamiliar eyes
as i looked down at the floor
hanging my head under the weight
of realizing I didnt love her any more
there is nothing left to fight for
Someone else will love her more
I've realized that I cant be her man
some day soon she'll understand
that I was never good for her
But nothing between us was ever a lie
there was always a smile with each kiss
and with every fading memory she'll soon forget"
I didnt watch glee tonite until the very end because I was listening to the bon iver album. Yes, I can sit alone for an hour and just listen to music and do nothing at all. Among my other weird obsessions are watching behind the scenes of movies and watching them with the commentary on, robots and teddy bears.
played golf today, loved it. Dad joined for a few holes and just rode with. Came home, got in a good workout and moved some furniture around so now my room finally looks like a real room complete with a dresser and all...incredible since we've only been back in since april.
After listening to my new music, I caught the last part of biggest loser. Not to piggy back off too much of last nites post, but I pretty much cry every time I watch the show because I know those struggles. I remember how hard it was to be so over weight and not feel any thing good about yourself. I remember how hard it was the 1st day I went on the treadmill at my apartment complex and I could only jog for 4.5 minutes. Alot's changed but its a great show and they absolutely do wonders with the people for the rest of their lives.
I am an easy crier. Yes, I Luke Strader cry like a baby in many instances. Consider me the millenial male; tall, dark, handsome and emo...haha. I come from a family of people that ball. Pretty much any time my whole family gets together my mom will cry; if my dad hears "travelin solider" by dixie chicks; if my sisters just see any sad movie or dogs. I cry at silly things. I cry at the end of movies easily...jesus, i cried in armageddon for christ sakes, the end of braveheart everytime...and Rudy, dont even go there. One day in college I watched the ultimate iron man contest in Hawaii and the whole time they did specials on people in the race who had overcome cancer, ran for dead family members, were disabled veterans and so on...needless to say I cried for about 2 hrs straight. Anyone that is a UNC fan and saw the E60 report on Jason Ray, he was the UNC mascot that was killed by a out of control diver during the NCAA tourney a few years ago and he was an organ donor, his organs saved 6 or 8 people and they brought all of them together to meet his parents. One of the few times I remember sobbing, my dad called me on the phone in the middle of the show and he was balling too.
The weird thing is that I cry at all those moments, have no fear of showing my emotions, but in situations under extreme emotion I close up. When my dad almost died a few years ago and we said our good-byes I remember not crying for days. I didnt cry when our house burned. I dont cry at funerals or weddings. I dont know what the difference is, something in me shuts down. I can feel it happen too. I had a few break ups that the same thing happened, I just shut down. Its almost as if I get so emotional that my anger takes over and I cant cry, I get mad. Maybe thats something I should work on, but if you want to see me cry just play a really good song or a sad bastard movie.
Some new writing from an old place...
"I never lied to her
this wasnt something we'd die for
I'm not the man she needs to cry for
because I cant be her man anymore
her voice cracked
as I removed myself from her life
the salt in her tears
would be the last time she'd taste me
she stared at me with unfamiliar eyes
as i looked down at the floor
hanging my head under the weight
of realizing I didnt love her any more
there is nothing left to fight for
Someone else will love her more
I've realized that I cant be her man
some day soon she'll understand
that I was never good for her
But nothing between us was ever a lie
there was always a smile with each kiss
and with every fading memory she'll soon forget"
Monday, September 20, 2010
Shit Sandwhich
Been a while. Had a decent weekend. Had to work, so that puts a damper on anything because there is nothing worse than actually pretending to listen to someone while you have a hang over. got dressed down and went to a nice blue grass weddin. They had banjo players, line dancing, and a pot luck dinner. Good time with good people. The band's rendition of "wagon wheel" was lacking and I know me and my boys from boone would much better represent.
My soap boxing here is usually kept to a minimum but I saw something today at work that almost sent me over the fucking edge. For those of you that dont know I manage a cafeteria at a certain hospital. Today, a man was pushing an extremely over weight lady through the food area. This lady was big, I am talking fat guy "Glutton" killing from Se7en big. She had her little o2 tank and everything. I had started to feel sad for her until turning back around and seeing that on her tray at the check out line was a BBQ sandwich, French Fries, apple pie, regular cake. I almost took it away from her. I was so disgusted I had to turn and walk away and go sit in my office for a minute. Not only was I furious at the choice, I was disturbed.
Weight is an issue that I will always battle. My family is overweight, some of my friends are, the whole damn country seems to be overweight. For 21 years of my life I paid no attention to what I put into my body or did with it. But something clicked, I lost 90 lbs and people always ask me what I did. There is one, very simple answer; eat less and exercise more. to what capacity you do these two things determines your weight loss. As a personal trainer, I always told my clients that losing weight isnt rocket science.
By no means am I perfect. I dont eat perfect, I dont exercise like an athelete. I dont have abs or a ripped body. But I know that there are certain things I need to do to live a healthier life style. I will offer advice to friends that ask, and I will ride my family pretty hard because Diabetes, blood pressure, and heart problems run in my family and id like to have them around. But this woman, who is living on manufactured air cares so little about herself that she'd rather die than give it a try. She would rather give in to not caring than give a damn and just get a turkey sandwhich, some fruit and a diet drink.
I got tomorrow off of work. Quality alone time, which I have doing a lot recently. I think it always bothered my parents that I could spend all day by myself in the basement. I can watch movies, play guitar, play video games, write, just relax. Dont get me wrong, there is nothing better than quality time with people you love, but every now and then its nice to just shut down for a day.
I got some new music to go listen to and think about love, sex, and death.
What else is there?
My soap boxing here is usually kept to a minimum but I saw something today at work that almost sent me over the fucking edge. For those of you that dont know I manage a cafeteria at a certain hospital. Today, a man was pushing an extremely over weight lady through the food area. This lady was big, I am talking fat guy "Glutton" killing from Se7en big. She had her little o2 tank and everything. I had started to feel sad for her until turning back around and seeing that on her tray at the check out line was a BBQ sandwich, French Fries, apple pie, regular cake. I almost took it away from her. I was so disgusted I had to turn and walk away and go sit in my office for a minute. Not only was I furious at the choice, I was disturbed.
Weight is an issue that I will always battle. My family is overweight, some of my friends are, the whole damn country seems to be overweight. For 21 years of my life I paid no attention to what I put into my body or did with it. But something clicked, I lost 90 lbs and people always ask me what I did. There is one, very simple answer; eat less and exercise more. to what capacity you do these two things determines your weight loss. As a personal trainer, I always told my clients that losing weight isnt rocket science.
By no means am I perfect. I dont eat perfect, I dont exercise like an athelete. I dont have abs or a ripped body. But I know that there are certain things I need to do to live a healthier life style. I will offer advice to friends that ask, and I will ride my family pretty hard because Diabetes, blood pressure, and heart problems run in my family and id like to have them around. But this woman, who is living on manufactured air cares so little about herself that she'd rather die than give it a try. She would rather give in to not caring than give a damn and just get a turkey sandwhich, some fruit and a diet drink.
I got tomorrow off of work. Quality alone time, which I have doing a lot recently. I think it always bothered my parents that I could spend all day by myself in the basement. I can watch movies, play guitar, play video games, write, just relax. Dont get me wrong, there is nothing better than quality time with people you love, but every now and then its nice to just shut down for a day.
I got some new music to go listen to and think about love, sex, and death.
What else is there?
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
ouch, ouch...you're on my hair
feelin good, got the day off work tomorrow so I like being able to get some stuff done during the week. Gonna go play golf too. any day where I am not working and playing golf is a perfect fucking day. gonna meet up with some friends in ole Winston to grab some food and then watch some football.
golf is a big passion of mine, one that I neglected over the past few years because its expensive and when you are a part timer living in your parents basement there is very little chance to play. I also have almost no friends that play golf so that leaves me and the dad piece to play.
golf in a way became like my sports religion. There is nothing better than walking around a beautiful course and letting the sun hit your face. The swinging part and chasing a ball are the easy parts. I used to be really good, talkin really good. It was a sport I picked up with and could be super type A with because there was so much in a golf swing that I knew I had to control. I used to have the worst temper when I was a teenager and it sucked because I played golf and tennis competitively so I had only myself to blame. As I grew older I let that part go and just started to enjoy the game. Hated the pressure of competitve golf ultimately because I just loved to play the game and not compete. It is actually the only thing I was never competitive with, all other sports, games and such drive me insane. I get visibly ill when I lose at dodgeball in college and got kicked out of several flag football games as well...
speaking of football, shout out to a certain pittsburg steelers/WVU fan who knows there is nothing worse than roethlisburgers mullet last season.
but I am going to bed an old man who will enjoy the shit out of his day off tomorrow.
hopefully have some good stuff from the golf course to write about
golf is a big passion of mine, one that I neglected over the past few years because its expensive and when you are a part timer living in your parents basement there is very little chance to play. I also have almost no friends that play golf so that leaves me and the dad piece to play.
golf in a way became like my sports religion. There is nothing better than walking around a beautiful course and letting the sun hit your face. The swinging part and chasing a ball are the easy parts. I used to be really good, talkin really good. It was a sport I picked up with and could be super type A with because there was so much in a golf swing that I knew I had to control. I used to have the worst temper when I was a teenager and it sucked because I played golf and tennis competitively so I had only myself to blame. As I grew older I let that part go and just started to enjoy the game. Hated the pressure of competitve golf ultimately because I just loved to play the game and not compete. It is actually the only thing I was never competitive with, all other sports, games and such drive me insane. I get visibly ill when I lose at dodgeball in college and got kicked out of several flag football games as well...
speaking of football, shout out to a certain pittsburg steelers/WVU fan who knows there is nothing worse than roethlisburgers mullet last season.
but I am going to bed an old man who will enjoy the shit out of his day off tomorrow.
hopefully have some good stuff from the golf course to write about
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Her perfect man
People keep telling me they read this and I laugh, I have no clue why but its cool. I am not that funny, not that charming, always considered myself the epitome of average with a bit of a cocky swagger to cover up some of the rest.
Living for the weekends, and I am looking foreward to this one. I have to work but I get a bon fire, blue grass bands, camping, cold beer and great company...sounds like a helluva wedding to me.
Been writing on paper here recently and its a great feeling. I love the smell of paper and pencil, the burning rubber of an eraser taking back thoughts that just didnt make the cut. Typing is nice, but it doesnt give me the same satisfaction...its like masturbation, its fast and efficient but not nearly as fun as the real thing.
I am like the clark griswold of getting hyped about the smallest things. when work sucks even the idea of a thursday nite football game just sounds like the most epic adventure even though I will likely leave at half time to be home in time for bed but thats beside the point. I find that I did this a lot in the past with woman, the smallest little thing would set off my insane ability to start projecting the future instead of just letting the things come to me. I suffered miserable heart break and terrible let downs in love just from my own craziness. I wrote a few words last weekend so I hope you like them.
"I stared at a picture,
just a prayer in my mind
looking at her smile
I already know there is something to this girl
this is what I do
the build up
I live on 1st impressions
open to suggestions about how to change myself
because I never feel good enough
to be liked for who I am
my fault has always been her smile
wanting, no needing, to get what I want
I want to be her perfect man
head to toe
smile and eyes
i work so hard and want to try
but i cant relax
and be myself
because I am scared of that someone else
the thought of losing keeps me from trying
but sometimes i feel like im dying
tired to lying
and hoping that everything I am
is good enough for her"
the line that kinda started this was "I want to be her perfect man" I had that one stored around since college. When I was really fat I had the biggest crush on a girl that lived in the apartment upstairs. I never felt good enough for her. I didnt lose weight for her but I can easily admit that she was a huge part of my transformation during college. The funny thing was at the end of all my struggles and fight that when I finally hit my goals that I realized she would never feel that way about me no matter how skinny or fat I was. That kind of ruined my fragile state of mind because I spent a year working on everything I'd say to her and then it just bottomed out. But I had this dream one time where I wished that I could turn into what ever man she wanted me to be and at the end of the dream I saw myself in the mirror and it was someone that wasnt me. that was a rough dream to have as a 22 yr old but I learned a lot from it in the long run.
"pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try"
words to live by and thats what I am doing.
Dear Drew Brees, my fantasy football team would really like you to have a great game next weekend.
Living for the weekends, and I am looking foreward to this one. I have to work but I get a bon fire, blue grass bands, camping, cold beer and great company...sounds like a helluva wedding to me.
Been writing on paper here recently and its a great feeling. I love the smell of paper and pencil, the burning rubber of an eraser taking back thoughts that just didnt make the cut. Typing is nice, but it doesnt give me the same satisfaction...its like masturbation, its fast and efficient but not nearly as fun as the real thing.
I am like the clark griswold of getting hyped about the smallest things. when work sucks even the idea of a thursday nite football game just sounds like the most epic adventure even though I will likely leave at half time to be home in time for bed but thats beside the point. I find that I did this a lot in the past with woman, the smallest little thing would set off my insane ability to start projecting the future instead of just letting the things come to me. I suffered miserable heart break and terrible let downs in love just from my own craziness. I wrote a few words last weekend so I hope you like them.
"I stared at a picture,
just a prayer in my mind
looking at her smile
I already know there is something to this girl
this is what I do
the build up
I live on 1st impressions
open to suggestions about how to change myself
because I never feel good enough
to be liked for who I am
my fault has always been her smile
wanting, no needing, to get what I want
I want to be her perfect man
head to toe
smile and eyes
i work so hard and want to try
but i cant relax
and be myself
because I am scared of that someone else
the thought of losing keeps me from trying
but sometimes i feel like im dying
tired to lying
and hoping that everything I am
is good enough for her"
the line that kinda started this was "I want to be her perfect man" I had that one stored around since college. When I was really fat I had the biggest crush on a girl that lived in the apartment upstairs. I never felt good enough for her. I didnt lose weight for her but I can easily admit that she was a huge part of my transformation during college. The funny thing was at the end of all my struggles and fight that when I finally hit my goals that I realized she would never feel that way about me no matter how skinny or fat I was. That kind of ruined my fragile state of mind because I spent a year working on everything I'd say to her and then it just bottomed out. But I had this dream one time where I wished that I could turn into what ever man she wanted me to be and at the end of the dream I saw myself in the mirror and it was someone that wasnt me. that was a rough dream to have as a 22 yr old but I learned a lot from it in the long run.
"pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try"
words to live by and thats what I am doing.
Dear Drew Brees, my fantasy football team would really like you to have a great game next weekend.
Monday, September 13, 2010
break up
He'd seen this look in her eyes before
just like she'd seen him planning this for weeks
she fought back the tears in her eyes
as he stumbled through their last good-bye
she recoiled at his outstretched arms
he didnt know what else to say
they were feet apart but worlds away
she held herself together like any woman would
she hid her pain and laughed out a smile
this was a joke and so was he
he felt sorry and hated that he hurt her
he lacked words not required of men in this world
he sat down and just waited
the look on his face said sedated
she looked everywhere but at him
her glare was evident and powerful
she asked why?
he said he didnt know
she broke and started to cry
over emotion he couldnt show
he got angry because he hated her tears
he felt fragile and questioned everything
They fought
They Screamed
It hurt
they pushed buttons and crawled under skin
but this had no make up sex waiting at the end
each of them found a passion that had been missing
they burned memories of the other like southern crosses
they found out how much love really hurts
when everything in their world fails to work
sometimes love falls and you cant win
but out of the ashes of their argument
they both felt alive again
she felt strong and independent
he felt free and wild
they said things to each other that they didnt mean
but this wasnt the most obscene
they suffered more in the past few months
where they drifted apart at the seams
they smiled in pictures but it was forced
they held hands outside but it hurt
he no longer swept her off her feet
and she no longer made him smile
they lived in denial
now they walk away
both saying what finally needed to be said
life moves on
the sun will rise
there will still be suprise
they didnt hug
there was no familiar tug
it was over
it was awkward
but they have new lives to walk towards
just like she'd seen him planning this for weeks
she fought back the tears in her eyes
as he stumbled through their last good-bye
she recoiled at his outstretched arms
he didnt know what else to say
they were feet apart but worlds away
she held herself together like any woman would
she hid her pain and laughed out a smile
this was a joke and so was he
he felt sorry and hated that he hurt her
he lacked words not required of men in this world
he sat down and just waited
the look on his face said sedated
she looked everywhere but at him
her glare was evident and powerful
she asked why?
he said he didnt know
she broke and started to cry
over emotion he couldnt show
he got angry because he hated her tears
he felt fragile and questioned everything
They fought
They Screamed
It hurt
they pushed buttons and crawled under skin
but this had no make up sex waiting at the end
each of them found a passion that had been missing
they burned memories of the other like southern crosses
they found out how much love really hurts
when everything in their world fails to work
sometimes love falls and you cant win
but out of the ashes of their argument
they both felt alive again
she felt strong and independent
he felt free and wild
they said things to each other that they didnt mean
but this wasnt the most obscene
they suffered more in the past few months
where they drifted apart at the seams
they smiled in pictures but it was forced
they held hands outside but it hurt
he no longer swept her off her feet
and she no longer made him smile
they lived in denial
now they walk away
both saying what finally needed to be said
life moves on
the sun will rise
there will still be suprise
they didnt hug
there was no familiar tug
it was over
it was awkward
but they have new lives to walk towards
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Whiskey and Smiles
What a good weekend. Relaxing, spent time at home with family and friends. Got off work, mowed the yard, worked out and watched the cutest damn 2 yr old run around in circles and just let it wash all over me. Sometimes we lose sight of the little things because the big things seem so tall. Its learning how to smile all over again and remembering that its the life we love to live thats worth getting out of bed.
I went looking for answers at the bottom of the bottle last nite. And sometimes thats not a bad thing. The answer is never there but the journey was the thing. The throat burn of a stiff drink and that warm feeling in your gut as everyone around starts to smile and dance. 5 people and 2 kids, all stages of life, finding out that right now is all we got. I have a gaurd around me and my heart thats tough to crack, my fear of getting hurt is sometimes overwhelming. Its hard for me to open up to family, friends, lovers and sometimes myself. I end up hurting others just to save myself in the long run and that is no way to treat the people in my life.
After the kids and the girls all fell asleep the music kept playing, the football games still went on and I sat down with two of my best friends and just let it all out. The problem with telling a secret to anyone is fearing the judgement on the end, we just need someone to listen instead of waiting to respond. But last nite I asked for guidance, I need some every now and then and its good to have points of view that arent you own to look in on from time to time. We didnt solve anything last nite, we talked about them. The world is still at war, people still need food....I dont have problems.
I woke up this morning wondering about all the things that I thought id dreamed. I checked my phone and cleaned up the home. The world around me is still spinning but I know last nite that I looked at that bitch and couldnt stop grinnin.
I went looking for answers at the bottom of the bottle last nite. And sometimes thats not a bad thing. The answer is never there but the journey was the thing. The throat burn of a stiff drink and that warm feeling in your gut as everyone around starts to smile and dance. 5 people and 2 kids, all stages of life, finding out that right now is all we got. I have a gaurd around me and my heart thats tough to crack, my fear of getting hurt is sometimes overwhelming. Its hard for me to open up to family, friends, lovers and sometimes myself. I end up hurting others just to save myself in the long run and that is no way to treat the people in my life.
After the kids and the girls all fell asleep the music kept playing, the football games still went on and I sat down with two of my best friends and just let it all out. The problem with telling a secret to anyone is fearing the judgement on the end, we just need someone to listen instead of waiting to respond. But last nite I asked for guidance, I need some every now and then and its good to have points of view that arent you own to look in on from time to time. We didnt solve anything last nite, we talked about them. The world is still at war, people still need food....I dont have problems.
I woke up this morning wondering about all the things that I thought id dreamed. I checked my phone and cleaned up the home. The world around me is still spinning but I know last nite that I looked at that bitch and couldnt stop grinnin.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Who doesnt want a Rob Pattinson Haircut?
Its the kinda night where I had to write. Came home from work and went for a 2 mile run and then sat on the back deck with a pen and paper, head phones on just enjoying the setting sun.
I had a line that I had stuck on a peice of paper for quite a long time "He's given himself away" and I couldnt think of where to go with it for a long time, then I just kinda sat there and thought about a man falling apart. Things always fall apart and usually other people see it coming and no one does any thing about it. I ran with this idea of looking at someone who was just plodding and wasting time. So here is what I came up with....
"He's heard it all before
and that leaves him wanting something more
he's always had one foot out the door
convinced himself that he was nothing to his girl
He can't see the long and waiting line
tired of hearing 'boy, you'll be fine'
He's been broken now for a long time
walking away just to leave his world behind
He's given himself away
to be left in little pieces
he takes whats left
wonders 'what does she see in me'
He does whatever he wants to
because he is left with nothing to hold on to
be strong and dammit act like a man
but somethings he just doesnt understand
you can see the limp in his walk
the pain in his voice when he talks
he smiles but there is a lot to hide
so much he cant hide behind his eyes
He's given himself away
to be left in little pieces
he takes whats left
wondering 'what does she see in me?'
....its scary to look back at those lyrics and see so much of myself and my past relationships in the drying ink on those pages. In writing classes, they tell you to write what you know. That is scary, its the looking within and at the man in the mirror that has always taken its toll on me.
I wrote a short story that involved stories I accumulated from friends and twisted them around with a dark, sharper edge and it made me hate things for a long time. I lost sleep, almost disappearing because I had become disgusted with the characters that seemed so close to home. I havent written that character since because it just ruins things for me.
Songs are easy, songs are stories that can be any little thing I think about. It starts with a word or it starts with a chord but usually the process is refreshing and fun for me.
I had a line that I had stuck on a peice of paper for quite a long time "He's given himself away" and I couldnt think of where to go with it for a long time, then I just kinda sat there and thought about a man falling apart. Things always fall apart and usually other people see it coming and no one does any thing about it. I ran with this idea of looking at someone who was just plodding and wasting time. So here is what I came up with....
"He's heard it all before
and that leaves him wanting something more
he's always had one foot out the door
convinced himself that he was nothing to his girl
He can't see the long and waiting line
tired of hearing 'boy, you'll be fine'
He's been broken now for a long time
walking away just to leave his world behind
He's given himself away
to be left in little pieces
he takes whats left
wonders 'what does she see in me'
He does whatever he wants to
because he is left with nothing to hold on to
be strong and dammit act like a man
but somethings he just doesnt understand
you can see the limp in his walk
the pain in his voice when he talks
he smiles but there is a lot to hide
so much he cant hide behind his eyes
He's given himself away
to be left in little pieces
he takes whats left
wondering 'what does she see in me?'
....its scary to look back at those lyrics and see so much of myself and my past relationships in the drying ink on those pages. In writing classes, they tell you to write what you know. That is scary, its the looking within and at the man in the mirror that has always taken its toll on me.
I wrote a short story that involved stories I accumulated from friends and twisted them around with a dark, sharper edge and it made me hate things for a long time. I lost sleep, almost disappearing because I had become disgusted with the characters that seemed so close to home. I havent written that character since because it just ruins things for me.
Songs are easy, songs are stories that can be any little thing I think about. It starts with a word or it starts with a chord but usually the process is refreshing and fun for me.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Lets blog about sex baby
"you can lie between her legs and go looking for, tell her you're searching for her soul" - Damien Rice
Everybody's doin it.
It's easily the best thing in the world, forget your sunrise/sunset, the best drug, the best rush comes from skin on skin. It can be anything and everything you want it to be; the catharsis, the anger, the sorrow, the sweet, the rough and even the worst. Everyone has that one story, that one person that just couldnt make things happen.
I have a pretty liberal view of sex, maybe its the hippie part of me or just the fact that I am simply hedonistic, or that I went to college and to bars and made lots of bad decisions. Either way I think a lot of people arent having enough sex. This country is still amazingly scared to see it, talk about it, that it makes me laugh. Although people would rather tell you bout the last person they fucked instead of talk about politics without fighting about it.
I have done stupid things for sex, i have burned bridges, I have gotten my own heart broken, I have broken hearts all in the name of sex. In one of my english classes in college the professor said you can only write about 3 things....love, sex, death. He also went on to talk about how sex caused the other two so really the only thing to talk about was sex; either its happening or being repressed.
Sometimes I feel like woman can think of any reason not to have sex. The guy isnt tall enough, he has a weird laugh, they are stressed about work, they want to be single, they have a headache. It is amazing how much I have heard girls that are friends of mine talk about why they wouldnt go out with someone/sleep with them. Its comical but its also a telling trait I learned about woman through my own adventures. I have no problem with ladies choosing how they go about their sex lives, but when its obvious that a girl just needs to get laid you cant help but laugh at the things that get in the way.
....guys, on the other hand, will think of any reason to have sex. She has a great smile, she could be hot, she talked to me outside of class, its tuesday, its any second of every day. One of the funniest things I've heard about men is that we have two heads and only enough blood to run one. We all know which one is in control all the time. Its like the floating sword macbeth follows, a power unlike anything. I remember going through puberty and the hell that was a rando boner mid class...the feeling of what the hell is going on with me. Funny thing is how much that still goes on now and I am 25. I was walking through work the other day and saw a nurse with a phenomenal booty and just ended up following her and getting lost with out even realizing.
The best part about sex is the little things. The kiss behind the ear, biting of the lip, a deep breathe at the right time, body heat, kissing down the spine, finger nails digging in, hands that seem to be everywhere. Its the passion, its the ultimate letting go. Its beauty, its art.
So my thoughts are have lots of sex. Morning sex, shower sex, all kinds of sex. It will make you smile
Everybody's doin it.
It's easily the best thing in the world, forget your sunrise/sunset, the best drug, the best rush comes from skin on skin. It can be anything and everything you want it to be; the catharsis, the anger, the sorrow, the sweet, the rough and even the worst. Everyone has that one story, that one person that just couldnt make things happen.
I have a pretty liberal view of sex, maybe its the hippie part of me or just the fact that I am simply hedonistic, or that I went to college and to bars and made lots of bad decisions. Either way I think a lot of people arent having enough sex. This country is still amazingly scared to see it, talk about it, that it makes me laugh. Although people would rather tell you bout the last person they fucked instead of talk about politics without fighting about it.
I have done stupid things for sex, i have burned bridges, I have gotten my own heart broken, I have broken hearts all in the name of sex. In one of my english classes in college the professor said you can only write about 3 things....love, sex, death. He also went on to talk about how sex caused the other two so really the only thing to talk about was sex; either its happening or being repressed.
Sometimes I feel like woman can think of any reason not to have sex. The guy isnt tall enough, he has a weird laugh, they are stressed about work, they want to be single, they have a headache. It is amazing how much I have heard girls that are friends of mine talk about why they wouldnt go out with someone/sleep with them. Its comical but its also a telling trait I learned about woman through my own adventures. I have no problem with ladies choosing how they go about their sex lives, but when its obvious that a girl just needs to get laid you cant help but laugh at the things that get in the way.
....guys, on the other hand, will think of any reason to have sex. She has a great smile, she could be hot, she talked to me outside of class, its tuesday, its any second of every day. One of the funniest things I've heard about men is that we have two heads and only enough blood to run one. We all know which one is in control all the time. Its like the floating sword macbeth follows, a power unlike anything. I remember going through puberty and the hell that was a rando boner mid class...the feeling of what the hell is going on with me. Funny thing is how much that still goes on now and I am 25. I was walking through work the other day and saw a nurse with a phenomenal booty and just ended up following her and getting lost with out even realizing.
The best part about sex is the little things. The kiss behind the ear, biting of the lip, a deep breathe at the right time, body heat, kissing down the spine, finger nails digging in, hands that seem to be everywhere. Its the passion, its the ultimate letting go. Its beauty, its art.
So my thoughts are have lots of sex. Morning sex, shower sex, all kinds of sex. It will make you smile
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
"no, i am not where I belong"
I am looking for that shining light to guide me home - Dallas Green
Listening to some sad bastard music per usual around the night time for me. Had one of those days of just total apathy. I didnt eat well, didnt eat enough, had to cut my run short and felt like crap in general afterwards. I have to take this week off from lifting because my shoulders had been killing me from over use and I know my body pretty well now. it also doesnt help when mom brings home fresh apple crisp a lady made her at school. just get back on the wagon tomorrow.
Like i said, it was one of those days where I little energy to give a shit about any thing. I did my work, left on time, and invested little of my mental capacity to change. Today was the kind of the day where you think about calling in sick on friday but I already had a day off last week.
My weekend plans keep changing, go to charlotte, go to app for football game, go to raleigh, go to a concert. Such a cross roads right now that I hate that it all falls on me to make a decision. sometimes it sucks to be alone because a little help in choice will make my day right now.
at least tomorrow is wednesday.
going to get to bed early tonite, last weekend is catching up with me really hard and I lack it all to care. I need sleep, I need fun, I need sex, I need a good drink, I need friends, I need family...but the sad thing is I dont know which ones I want right now.
So I'll just sleep on it....
Listening to some sad bastard music per usual around the night time for me. Had one of those days of just total apathy. I didnt eat well, didnt eat enough, had to cut my run short and felt like crap in general afterwards. I have to take this week off from lifting because my shoulders had been killing me from over use and I know my body pretty well now. it also doesnt help when mom brings home fresh apple crisp a lady made her at school. just get back on the wagon tomorrow.
Like i said, it was one of those days where I little energy to give a shit about any thing. I did my work, left on time, and invested little of my mental capacity to change. Today was the kind of the day where you think about calling in sick on friday but I already had a day off last week.
My weekend plans keep changing, go to charlotte, go to app for football game, go to raleigh, go to a concert. Such a cross roads right now that I hate that it all falls on me to make a decision. sometimes it sucks to be alone because a little help in choice will make my day right now.
at least tomorrow is wednesday.
going to get to bed early tonite, last weekend is catching up with me really hard and I lack it all to care. I need sleep, I need fun, I need sex, I need a good drink, I need friends, I need family...but the sad thing is I dont know which ones I want right now.
So I'll just sleep on it....
Monday, September 6, 2010
another day in paradise
listening to ryan adams and watching college football...life doesnt get any better.
Took the weekend off, went down to paradise in Lake Oconee, Georgia. Stayed at my uncles house. The amount of wealth there is startling, somethings I dont understand. But it was a great weekend and I got to drink lots of liqour, shoot some pool, eat good food, sat 1st row on the upper deck at the heels game and played golf. Any weekend with half of those things is a damn good weekend. I relaxed, I forgot and I just smiled...until the heels went down 20. But even that didnt really bother me which is rare for a football game.
I am not easily moved or appalled. I love a crude joke as much as any one and I am not afraid to push peoples buttons for no reason. but I saw somethings this weekend that absolutely blew my mind. I get as fired up about college football games as anyone I know, but fans for LSU took that to another level. This is not me saying UNC fans dont do stupid ass shit and say things that are disgusting but Ive never seen anything like this even on a DOOK v UNC level. At the pep rally before the game the bands were playing and fans of both teams were mingling. I was pounding 8 dollar bud lites and a group of middle school UNC fans were going around and having a great time. One of this kids happened to be a ginger, a red head, and a group of very adult LSU fans started to make fun of this kid. They didnt say UNC sucks or that we cheat, they made fun of the kid for being a ginger, to his face, just because he wore light blue. One of the guys then knocked his UNC flag out of his hand and they laughed as they walked away. I didnt know how to respond, Ive never felt so pissed at something. I couldnt bring myself to say something because it would have started something that probably would've ended horribly. But as I watched a lady pick up the kids flag I couldnt help but wonder what this could would remember from that day and I hope it wasnt moment.
Thing that most disturbed me this weekend was a t-shirt. Everyone loves a funny t-shirt. One with holes that says "who farted" or something like that. Saw an LSU fan with a shirt on that said "You can spell CUNT without UNC" This shirt was bright purple and yellow and very easy to read. Now I get some people can say things behind closed doors but the fact that this guy was wearing this shirt in public, around large groups of woman and a bunch of kids absolutely left me speechless. There are a few words that you rarely hear people say and they provide such venom and hate that its really uncool to hear. Ive dealt with the word Nigger a lot living in the south and its one of those things I shrugged off along time until my sister married a black man and they now have a kid. Its something I take personal and its attacking my family. I got into a very heated altercation with one of my best friends in college after using that word in front of me and I have never had to be restrained by friends before or since that moment. I hardly hear cunt any more, its faded out a lot with the generation but it still has a bite to it. and to see it on a t-shirt in public let me know that some people really have no care about others. The real irony of it being that he was wearing a gold cross over his shirt....but thats a whole nother post that would only make me even more upset.
I look back at this weekend and smile. It was nice to spend time with Dad. Its very easy to forget how I almost lost him a few years ago and I cant imagine not having him hear. My mom is the rock of my family and I love her even though its hard for me to express how much I appreciate the things she sacrafices for our family. I cant imagine living without either of them and the scary part is knowing that I will. But in the car ride my dad just said some things that hit home. We never had "big talks." our sex talk was brief, he said it was a beautiful thing that you share with a woman when your ready. The best advice he every gave me was about marriage, he told me to marry a woman I can talk too when the sex is gone. He wasnt preachy this weekend either, he just let me know that there are certain things I need to do and take responsibility for as a man.
Its easy to overlook parents as those who are talking at you and not to you. Its the laughter you think you will miss, the love and the hugs, but I think I will appreciate and miss the times that my mom and dad let me know I had to get my shit together, that I am not perfect. My parents are my best friends because they were never my best friends, they were my parents and taught me every step of the way.
Took the weekend off, went down to paradise in Lake Oconee, Georgia. Stayed at my uncles house. The amount of wealth there is startling, somethings I dont understand. But it was a great weekend and I got to drink lots of liqour, shoot some pool, eat good food, sat 1st row on the upper deck at the heels game and played golf. Any weekend with half of those things is a damn good weekend. I relaxed, I forgot and I just smiled...until the heels went down 20. But even that didnt really bother me which is rare for a football game.
I am not easily moved or appalled. I love a crude joke as much as any one and I am not afraid to push peoples buttons for no reason. but I saw somethings this weekend that absolutely blew my mind. I get as fired up about college football games as anyone I know, but fans for LSU took that to another level. This is not me saying UNC fans dont do stupid ass shit and say things that are disgusting but Ive never seen anything like this even on a DOOK v UNC level. At the pep rally before the game the bands were playing and fans of both teams were mingling. I was pounding 8 dollar bud lites and a group of middle school UNC fans were going around and having a great time. One of this kids happened to be a ginger, a red head, and a group of very adult LSU fans started to make fun of this kid. They didnt say UNC sucks or that we cheat, they made fun of the kid for being a ginger, to his face, just because he wore light blue. One of the guys then knocked his UNC flag out of his hand and they laughed as they walked away. I didnt know how to respond, Ive never felt so pissed at something. I couldnt bring myself to say something because it would have started something that probably would've ended horribly. But as I watched a lady pick up the kids flag I couldnt help but wonder what this could would remember from that day and I hope it wasnt moment.
Thing that most disturbed me this weekend was a t-shirt. Everyone loves a funny t-shirt. One with holes that says "who farted" or something like that. Saw an LSU fan with a shirt on that said "You can spell CUNT without UNC" This shirt was bright purple and yellow and very easy to read. Now I get some people can say things behind closed doors but the fact that this guy was wearing this shirt in public, around large groups of woman and a bunch of kids absolutely left me speechless. There are a few words that you rarely hear people say and they provide such venom and hate that its really uncool to hear. Ive dealt with the word Nigger a lot living in the south and its one of those things I shrugged off along time until my sister married a black man and they now have a kid. Its something I take personal and its attacking my family. I got into a very heated altercation with one of my best friends in college after using that word in front of me and I have never had to be restrained by friends before or since that moment. I hardly hear cunt any more, its faded out a lot with the generation but it still has a bite to it. and to see it on a t-shirt in public let me know that some people really have no care about others. The real irony of it being that he was wearing a gold cross over his shirt....but thats a whole nother post that would only make me even more upset.
I look back at this weekend and smile. It was nice to spend time with Dad. Its very easy to forget how I almost lost him a few years ago and I cant imagine not having him hear. My mom is the rock of my family and I love her even though its hard for me to express how much I appreciate the things she sacrafices for our family. I cant imagine living without either of them and the scary part is knowing that I will. But in the car ride my dad just said some things that hit home. We never had "big talks." our sex talk was brief, he said it was a beautiful thing that you share with a woman when your ready. The best advice he every gave me was about marriage, he told me to marry a woman I can talk too when the sex is gone. He wasnt preachy this weekend either, he just let me know that there are certain things I need to do and take responsibility for as a man.
Its easy to overlook parents as those who are talking at you and not to you. Its the laughter you think you will miss, the love and the hugs, but I think I will appreciate and miss the times that my mom and dad let me know I had to get my shit together, that I am not perfect. My parents are my best friends because they were never my best friends, they were my parents and taught me every step of the way.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Chicken
Today was my friday, I cant complain. Work meetings and such kept me fairly busy. I ate a little too much today. Dinner was a train wreck over at Murphys...hard to pass up homemade deviled eggs. Had a really good workout today. Did 8 exercise circuit and had a great sweat going. Trying to workout without music right now, its very tough. Listening to my body and working a lot of my endurance. Trying to slim down, maybe find an ab or two.
Was driving home from watching football tonite and had the ole ipod on shuffle and its amazing how much music can just know your soul better than you do. I was listening to a band named Dredg and just rocking out when the lines "your journey back to birth is haunting you" I have been talkin alot about starting over, building something new and its startling. I want to focus on so much down to the little details and at the same time relax enough that my compulsions dont take over. In going back to the old me I hope to be someone who learns and is always evolving. I will have to meet new friends, I will have sex with someone new, I will dedicate myself to all the things that used to make me happy. But somewhere along the line I realize that I am now standing on a cliff ready to jump off.....
which is why I want to go sky diving. Its something I have always thought about doing but i never had the money because its pretty pricey to safely jump out of a perfectly good airplane. This is a goal of mine, to completely let go of one of my biggest fears, heights. I am sometimes crippled by the shortast of distances off the ground but took steps in college to remedy that. I have jumped off a 40 and 60 ft cliff into a pool of cold ass mountain water and there has been nothing short of a mind blowing orgasm that has come close to that kind of rush. I want to run with that, I want to submit to my fears and just free fall. To know that my insignificant ass can let go off everything that holds me to this place for such a short while. I dont meditate, I dont pray, I can barely sit still to watch a football game so this forced submersion is my only way to go. who wants to go with me?
may or may not get to the computer this weekend down in ATL, tryin to disconnect while I am relaxing on vacation. I look foreward to a nice change and hopefully seeing a good football game. If you see me chasing Erin Andrews around the georgia dome just know that I am running after my dream woman, no big deal.
Was driving home from watching football tonite and had the ole ipod on shuffle and its amazing how much music can just know your soul better than you do. I was listening to a band named Dredg and just rocking out when the lines "your journey back to birth is haunting you" I have been talkin alot about starting over, building something new and its startling. I want to focus on so much down to the little details and at the same time relax enough that my compulsions dont take over. In going back to the old me I hope to be someone who learns and is always evolving. I will have to meet new friends, I will have sex with someone new, I will dedicate myself to all the things that used to make me happy. But somewhere along the line I realize that I am now standing on a cliff ready to jump off.....
which is why I want to go sky diving. Its something I have always thought about doing but i never had the money because its pretty pricey to safely jump out of a perfectly good airplane. This is a goal of mine, to completely let go of one of my biggest fears, heights. I am sometimes crippled by the shortast of distances off the ground but took steps in college to remedy that. I have jumped off a 40 and 60 ft cliff into a pool of cold ass mountain water and there has been nothing short of a mind blowing orgasm that has come close to that kind of rush. I want to run with that, I want to submit to my fears and just free fall. To know that my insignificant ass can let go off everything that holds me to this place for such a short while. I dont meditate, I dont pray, I can barely sit still to watch a football game so this forced submersion is my only way to go. who wants to go with me?
may or may not get to the computer this weekend down in ATL, tryin to disconnect while I am relaxing on vacation. I look foreward to a nice change and hopefully seeing a good football game. If you see me chasing Erin Andrews around the georgia dome just know that I am running after my dream woman, no big deal.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
True Courage
Its easy to bitch about my job, and I do...a lot. But I often find it difficult when I work in a hospital. I see patients being wheeled all over the place and there is nothing more wicked than seeing sick kids. Brenner children hospital has 11 floors of sick kids, really sick kids. Kids that may never grow up to bitch about work, May never know a sunrise at the beach after a nigt with your friends, may never know what it feels like to have great sex, to laugh so hard you cry. I think about this as I see parents trying to hold it together while they hold a little hand with that medical bracelet thats way to big. No parent should have to bury a child.
Ate a pathetic breakfast in a hurry. had leftover spaghetti and a 150 calorie ice cream cake thing. Turned down cake today at work and was proud of myself. had a good lunch of chicken sandwhich, baked chips, 100 calorie pack, and grapes. Had my afternoon snack of a banana and 20oz of water. Good run and some pushups and a PWO shake. Dinner was sushi (which i bought for the 1st time ever tonite, i felt so pretentious)
A song hit shuffle caught me off gaurd today, its "Sensible Heart" by city and colour. its a great song about hiding emotions and I remember how much I took it to heart when I was college. Its a very haunting song right now considering how I often feel that expressing my emotional range is somewhat limited. Saying words isnt really easy for me, writing them is. But some people need the audible reassurance that I often struggle with giving. I realize that my presentation of myself often contradicts who I am. I have had some of my best friends in the world tell me they were scared or intimidated by me when they 1st met me and thats not what I want at all. Perception is the ultimate reality.
Watching a show on Discovery about all the different special units for the armed services. Amazing. I was seriously considering the Air Force last year and I often wonder where I would be in my life had I joined. These guys sacrafice so much for something invisible. I have many great philosophical differences about war but these guys have my respect hands down for the things they endure. Sure they are trained to kill but then again I do believe anyone can kill when pushed to extremes.
Tomorrow is my friday at work. Took friday off for my Labor day and am heading down to Atlanta for the UNC v LSU game. Looking foreward to spending time with family and football.
Ate a pathetic breakfast in a hurry. had leftover spaghetti and a 150 calorie ice cream cake thing. Turned down cake today at work and was proud of myself. had a good lunch of chicken sandwhich, baked chips, 100 calorie pack, and grapes. Had my afternoon snack of a banana and 20oz of water. Good run and some pushups and a PWO shake. Dinner was sushi (which i bought for the 1st time ever tonite, i felt so pretentious)
A song hit shuffle caught me off gaurd today, its "Sensible Heart" by city and colour. its a great song about hiding emotions and I remember how much I took it to heart when I was college. Its a very haunting song right now considering how I often feel that expressing my emotional range is somewhat limited. Saying words isnt really easy for me, writing them is. But some people need the audible reassurance that I often struggle with giving. I realize that my presentation of myself often contradicts who I am. I have had some of my best friends in the world tell me they were scared or intimidated by me when they 1st met me and thats not what I want at all. Perception is the ultimate reality.
Watching a show on Discovery about all the different special units for the armed services. Amazing. I was seriously considering the Air Force last year and I often wonder where I would be in my life had I joined. These guys sacrafice so much for something invisible. I have many great philosophical differences about war but these guys have my respect hands down for the things they endure. Sure they are trained to kill but then again I do believe anyone can kill when pushed to extremes.
Tomorrow is my friday at work. Took friday off for my Labor day and am heading down to Atlanta for the UNC v LSU game. Looking foreward to spending time with family and football.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Quiet Conversation
I woke up early today. I hate that. 10 minutes of sleep is 10 minutes of sleep when you lose half your nite to Lisbeth Salander.
Weighed in at 218. Had a good breakfast. 6oz of hamburger and a cup of pasta. 20oz of H20. AM snack was a cliff bar. Lunch was tough, esp after working on the tray line at work and sweating but I went with chix sandwich and yogurt. I forgot my afternoon snack and it killed me halfway through my workout. Played around with the kettlebell today. Got a new 50lb one and I enjoy the whole not being able to breathe while swinging around a cannonball with a handle. Dinner was 6oz of hamburger, half a potato and a .5 cup of chili.
I took some free time at work to write and the words that came back to me where a little haunting.
"I dont know if I would cry if she died" It was part of a dream I had the other night about having a conversation with a guy at a bar and we had never met. I think this is the kind of honesty I would be looking for from myself. It was the only thing I could write down, I couldnt take that sentence anywhere.
In less than 24 hrs parts of my past have come out of the woods. Old friends, old girlfriends, old songs, and even old clothes. Its so fucking weird to think of how it all ties together. Its part of this broken down rooted tree that just barely holds on to me. The dirt under your fingernails that wont go away.
I had a few people tell me today they read this thing, and thanked me for the honesty. That gave me such a buzz. It wasnt the compliment but the fact that someone else read what I was feeling and connected. This blog isnt me asking for advice or telling anyone how to live their lives, its me venting all the shit to this bright screen knowing it wont talk back, judge me or even offer advice.
I am slightly depressed and horny which is no way to live your mid 20's haha. I had an ex tell me tonite that she thought I couldnt be tamed. I dont know how to take that but I often wonder how so many people know me better than myself. But when your 1st real dating relationship comes at 25 I am a little behind the curve. I made up for lost time in college after losing my weight and I think changing is a great thing when the reasons align. The day we broke up I was sitting in the airport and jotted down on a notebook that "we didnt really break up, things just fell apart"
I am heading to bed now with a clearer head than yesterday. I smiled a lot tonite from quiet conversations with my parents and friends and that is how the day is supposed to end.
Weighed in at 218. Had a good breakfast. 6oz of hamburger and a cup of pasta. 20oz of H20. AM snack was a cliff bar. Lunch was tough, esp after working on the tray line at work and sweating but I went with chix sandwich and yogurt. I forgot my afternoon snack and it killed me halfway through my workout. Played around with the kettlebell today. Got a new 50lb one and I enjoy the whole not being able to breathe while swinging around a cannonball with a handle. Dinner was 6oz of hamburger, half a potato and a .5 cup of chili.
I took some free time at work to write and the words that came back to me where a little haunting.
"I dont know if I would cry if she died" It was part of a dream I had the other night about having a conversation with a guy at a bar and we had never met. I think this is the kind of honesty I would be looking for from myself. It was the only thing I could write down, I couldnt take that sentence anywhere.
In less than 24 hrs parts of my past have come out of the woods. Old friends, old girlfriends, old songs, and even old clothes. Its so fucking weird to think of how it all ties together. Its part of this broken down rooted tree that just barely holds on to me. The dirt under your fingernails that wont go away.
I had a few people tell me today they read this thing, and thanked me for the honesty. That gave me such a buzz. It wasnt the compliment but the fact that someone else read what I was feeling and connected. This blog isnt me asking for advice or telling anyone how to live their lives, its me venting all the shit to this bright screen knowing it wont talk back, judge me or even offer advice.
I am slightly depressed and horny which is no way to live your mid 20's haha. I had an ex tell me tonite that she thought I couldnt be tamed. I dont know how to take that but I often wonder how so many people know me better than myself. But when your 1st real dating relationship comes at 25 I am a little behind the curve. I made up for lost time in college after losing my weight and I think changing is a great thing when the reasons align. The day we broke up I was sitting in the airport and jotted down on a notebook that "we didnt really break up, things just fell apart"
I am heading to bed now with a clearer head than yesterday. I smiled a lot tonite from quiet conversations with my parents and friends and that is how the day is supposed to end.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Back to the basics
I need something else. I have hit a wall creatively. pen and paper seem to haunt the dark that used to be my bed room sanctuay. I think over the past 2 years since graduating college I have put back the walls that used to let me write for hours each night. something in me is scared...its this growing up thing.
In college I was brash with brutal honesty with myself and with others. I lost that somewhere in time where life crushed me for the first time. I was humbled by the weight of overwhelming expectations of life after college. I moved home and in a long process I lost my home in more ways than I thought possible. In losing my home I lost myself and the things that I used to hold dear.
but sitting in the same bed room that used to hold all of my dreams I have stopped trying to put the pieces back together but instead build new things out of life.
in many ways I have changed. I got older, I got a real job, I shave every day and put on a tie before going out the door. I am now the exact opposite of everything I used to be and I hate it. In growing up I have realized that my life couldnt always be the wrinkeled mess beside my bed. Yes, the paycheck is nice but I am having a hard time resting my happiness in cash.
In many ways I am the same. I still love the same things. I am still wildly insecure and I still lose sleep at night.
I am 25, having a quarter life crisis. The last 4 weeks at my new job have been hell and I really thought about quitting. I ended a 7 month relationship and was just treading water.
But things work out in funny ways. I had a date set up last friday and it fell through in the last minute and in my self loathing I decided to go back to the one place that makes me happy. Home. Boone, NC.
12 of my best guy friends from school all came back. I drank a lot of beer. I climbed trees. I swam in a river. I sat outside. I played electric guitar. I had fun. The last of this is something I havent had in a long time. I had fun being myself. I wasnt having to be anything else, the new employee, the appeasing boyfriend, the weekend planner, the son. I was myself for 2 days and it opened my eyes.
In the past few years I lost a lot of myself to many reasons but last weekend made me realize that it was my fault and it made me really happy. the old saying "control what you can control" is something I took to heart. I let go of so much that it took its toll on me and now I am going to take those things. Honestly, its nothing major. But the little things add up. My self confidence had dropped a lot in the past 2 months and I realized that it was my ability to control myself and not others that made me happy.
So I am going back to the basics. It starts with diet and exercise for me. I lost 90lbs in college and thrived in a setting of self discipline that gave me strength. I lost that, I got happy, I got lazy. Not any more. This blog will be an outlet for my daily struggles to control my weight/diet/exercise.
It continues to self expression. I used to write every night just to write and I stopped doing that. Not any more. I will hopefully use this tool every night to stir something inside of me.
It ends with fun. I thrive to having a good time and I havent been having a good time for a long time. It will be the little things, daily observations, trivia, sports, music, other writings that help along with way.
here goes nothing
In college I was brash with brutal honesty with myself and with others. I lost that somewhere in time where life crushed me for the first time. I was humbled by the weight of overwhelming expectations of life after college. I moved home and in a long process I lost my home in more ways than I thought possible. In losing my home I lost myself and the things that I used to hold dear.
but sitting in the same bed room that used to hold all of my dreams I have stopped trying to put the pieces back together but instead build new things out of life.
in many ways I have changed. I got older, I got a real job, I shave every day and put on a tie before going out the door. I am now the exact opposite of everything I used to be and I hate it. In growing up I have realized that my life couldnt always be the wrinkeled mess beside my bed. Yes, the paycheck is nice but I am having a hard time resting my happiness in cash.
In many ways I am the same. I still love the same things. I am still wildly insecure and I still lose sleep at night.
I am 25, having a quarter life crisis. The last 4 weeks at my new job have been hell and I really thought about quitting. I ended a 7 month relationship and was just treading water.
But things work out in funny ways. I had a date set up last friday and it fell through in the last minute and in my self loathing I decided to go back to the one place that makes me happy. Home. Boone, NC.
12 of my best guy friends from school all came back. I drank a lot of beer. I climbed trees. I swam in a river. I sat outside. I played electric guitar. I had fun. The last of this is something I havent had in a long time. I had fun being myself. I wasnt having to be anything else, the new employee, the appeasing boyfriend, the weekend planner, the son. I was myself for 2 days and it opened my eyes.
In the past few years I lost a lot of myself to many reasons but last weekend made me realize that it was my fault and it made me really happy. the old saying "control what you can control" is something I took to heart. I let go of so much that it took its toll on me and now I am going to take those things. Honestly, its nothing major. But the little things add up. My self confidence had dropped a lot in the past 2 months and I realized that it was my ability to control myself and not others that made me happy.
So I am going back to the basics. It starts with diet and exercise for me. I lost 90lbs in college and thrived in a setting of self discipline that gave me strength. I lost that, I got happy, I got lazy. Not any more. This blog will be an outlet for my daily struggles to control my weight/diet/exercise.
It continues to self expression. I used to write every night just to write and I stopped doing that. Not any more. I will hopefully use this tool every night to stir something inside of me.
It ends with fun. I thrive to having a good time and I havent been having a good time for a long time. It will be the little things, daily observations, trivia, sports, music, other writings that help along with way.
here goes nothing
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