Her perfect man

People keep telling me they read this and I laugh, I have no clue why but its cool.  I am not that funny, not that charming, always considered myself the epitome of average with a bit of a cocky swagger to cover up some of the rest.

Living for the weekends, and I am looking foreward to this one.  I have to work but I get a bon fire, blue grass bands, camping, cold beer and great company...sounds like a helluva wedding to me. 

Been writing on paper here recently and its a great feeling.  I love the smell of paper and pencil, the burning rubber of an eraser taking back thoughts that just didnt make the cut.  Typing is nice, but it doesnt give me the same satisfaction...its like masturbation, its fast and efficient but not nearly as fun as the real thing.

I am like the clark griswold of getting hyped about the smallest things.  when work sucks even the idea of a thursday nite football game just sounds like the most epic adventure even though I will likely leave at half time to be home in time for bed but thats beside the point.  I find that I did this a lot in the past with woman, the smallest little thing would set off my insane ability to start projecting the future instead of just letting the things come to me.  I suffered miserable heart break and terrible let downs in love just from my own craziness.  I wrote a few words last weekend so I hope you like them.

"I stared at a picture,
just a prayer in my mind
looking at her smile
I already know there is something to this girl
this is what I do
the build up
I live on 1st impressions
open to suggestions about how to change myself
because I never feel good enough
to be liked for who I am
my fault has always been her smile
wanting, no needing, to get what I want
I want to be her perfect man
head to toe
smile and eyes
i work so hard and want to try
but i cant relax
and be myself
because I am scared of that someone else
the thought of losing keeps me from trying
but sometimes i feel like im dying
tired to lying
and hoping that everything I am
is good enough for her"

the line that kinda started this was "I want to be her perfect man"  I had that one stored around since college.  When I was really fat I had the biggest crush on a girl that lived in the apartment upstairs.  I never felt good enough for her.  I didnt lose weight for her but I can easily admit that she was a huge part of my transformation during college.  The funny thing was at the end of all my struggles and fight that when I finally hit my goals that I realized she would never feel that way about me no matter how skinny or fat I was.  That kind of ruined my fragile state of mind because I spent a year working on everything I'd say to her and then it just bottomed out.  But I had this dream one time where I wished that I could turn into what ever man she wanted me to be and at the end of the dream I saw myself in the mirror and it was someone that wasnt me.  that was a rough dream to have as a 22 yr old but I learned a lot from it in the long run.

"pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try"

words to live by and thats what I am doing. 

Dear Drew Brees, my fantasy football team would really like you to have a great game next weekend.