Quiet Conversation

I woke up early today.  I hate that.  10 minutes of sleep is 10 minutes of sleep when you lose half your nite to Lisbeth Salander.

Weighed in at 218.  Had a good breakfast.  6oz of hamburger and a cup of pasta.  20oz of H20.  AM snack was a cliff bar.  Lunch was tough, esp after working on the tray line at work and sweating but I went with chix sandwich and yogurt.  I forgot my afternoon snack and it killed me halfway through my workout.  Played around with the kettlebell today.  Got a new 50lb one and I enjoy the whole not being able to breathe while swinging around a cannonball with a handle.  Dinner was 6oz of hamburger, half a potato and a .5 cup of chili. 

I took some free time at work to write and the words that came back to me where a little haunting. 

"I dont know if I would cry if she died"  It was part of a dream I had the other night about having a conversation with a guy at a bar and we had never met.  I think this is the kind of honesty I would be looking for from myself.  It was the only thing I could write down, I couldnt take that sentence anywhere.

In less than 24 hrs parts of my past have come out of the woods.  Old friends, old girlfriends, old songs, and even old clothes.  Its so fucking weird to think of how it all ties together.  Its part of this broken down rooted tree that just barely holds on to me.  The dirt under your fingernails that wont go away. 

I had a few people tell me today they read this thing, and thanked me for the honesty.  That gave me such a buzz.  It wasnt the compliment but the fact that someone else read what I was feeling and connected.  This blog isnt me asking for advice or telling anyone how to live their lives, its me venting all the shit to this bright screen knowing it wont talk back, judge me or even offer advice. 

I am slightly depressed and horny which is no way to live your mid 20's haha.  I had an ex tell me tonite that she thought I couldnt be tamed.  I dont know how to take that but I often wonder how so many people know me better than myself.  But when your 1st real dating relationship comes at 25 I am a little behind the curve.  I made up for lost time in college after losing my weight and I think changing is a great thing when the reasons align.  The day we broke up I was sitting in the airport and jotted down on a notebook that "we didnt really break up, things just fell apart" 

I am heading to bed now with a clearer head than yesterday.  I smiled a lot tonite from quiet conversations with my parents and friends and that is how the day is supposed to end.