I woke up early today. I hate that. 10 minutes of sleep is 10 minutes of sleep when you lose half your nite to Lisbeth Salander.
Weighed in at 218. Had a good breakfast. 6oz of hamburger and a cup of pasta. 20oz of H20. AM snack was a cliff bar. Lunch was tough, esp after working on the tray line at work and sweating but I went with chix sandwich and yogurt. I forgot my afternoon snack and it killed me halfway through my workout. Played around with the kettlebell today. Got a new 50lb one and I enjoy the whole not being able to breathe while swinging around a cannonball with a handle. Dinner was 6oz of hamburger, half a potato and a .5 cup of chili.
I took some free time at work to write and the words that came back to me where a little haunting.
"I dont know if I would cry if she died" It was part of a dream I had the other night about having a conversation with a guy at a bar and we had never met. I think this is the kind of honesty I would be looking for from myself. It was the only thing I could write down, I couldnt take that sentence anywhere.
In less than 24 hrs parts of my past have come out of the woods. Old friends, old girlfriends, old songs, and even old clothes. Its so fucking weird to think of how it all ties together. Its part of this broken down rooted tree that just barely holds on to me. The dirt under your fingernails that wont go away.
I had a few people tell me today they read this thing, and thanked me for the honesty. That gave me such a buzz. It wasnt the compliment but the fact that someone else read what I was feeling and connected. This blog isnt me asking for advice or telling anyone how to live their lives, its me venting all the shit to this bright screen knowing it wont talk back, judge me or even offer advice.
I am slightly depressed and horny which is no way to live your mid 20's haha. I had an ex tell me tonite that she thought I couldnt be tamed. I dont know how to take that but I often wonder how so many people know me better than myself. But when your 1st real dating relationship comes at 25 I am a little behind the curve. I made up for lost time in college after losing my weight and I think changing is a great thing when the reasons align. The day we broke up I was sitting in the airport and jotted down on a notebook that "we didnt really break up, things just fell apart"
I am heading to bed now with a clearer head than yesterday. I smiled a lot tonite from quiet conversations with my parents and friends and that is how the day is supposed to end.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Back to the basics
I need something else. I have hit a wall creatively. pen and paper seem to haunt the dark that used to be my bed room sanctuay. I think over the past 2 years since graduating college I have put back the walls that used to let me write for hours each night. something in me is scared...its this growing up thing.
In college I was brash with brutal honesty with myself and with others. I lost that somewhere in time where life crushed me for the first time. I was humbled by the weight of overwhelming expectations of life after college. I moved home and in a long process I lost my home in more ways than I thought possible. In losing my home I lost myself and the things that I used to hold dear.
but sitting in the same bed room that used to hold all of my dreams I have stopped trying to put the pieces back together but instead build new things out of life.
in many ways I have changed. I got older, I got a real job, I shave every day and put on a tie before going out the door. I am now the exact opposite of everything I used to be and I hate it. In growing up I have realized that my life couldnt always be the wrinkeled mess beside my bed. Yes, the paycheck is nice but I am having a hard time resting my happiness in cash.
In many ways I am the same. I still love the same things. I am still wildly insecure and I still lose sleep at night.
I am 25, having a quarter life crisis. The last 4 weeks at my new job have been hell and I really thought about quitting. I ended a 7 month relationship and was just treading water.
But things work out in funny ways. I had a date set up last friday and it fell through in the last minute and in my self loathing I decided to go back to the one place that makes me happy. Home. Boone, NC.
12 of my best guy friends from school all came back. I drank a lot of beer. I climbed trees. I swam in a river. I sat outside. I played electric guitar. I had fun. The last of this is something I havent had in a long time. I had fun being myself. I wasnt having to be anything else, the new employee, the appeasing boyfriend, the weekend planner, the son. I was myself for 2 days and it opened my eyes.
In the past few years I lost a lot of myself to many reasons but last weekend made me realize that it was my fault and it made me really happy. the old saying "control what you can control" is something I took to heart. I let go of so much that it took its toll on me and now I am going to take those things. Honestly, its nothing major. But the little things add up. My self confidence had dropped a lot in the past 2 months and I realized that it was my ability to control myself and not others that made me happy.
So I am going back to the basics. It starts with diet and exercise for me. I lost 90lbs in college and thrived in a setting of self discipline that gave me strength. I lost that, I got happy, I got lazy. Not any more. This blog will be an outlet for my daily struggles to control my weight/diet/exercise.
It continues to self expression. I used to write every night just to write and I stopped doing that. Not any more. I will hopefully use this tool every night to stir something inside of me.
It ends with fun. I thrive to having a good time and I havent been having a good time for a long time. It will be the little things, daily observations, trivia, sports, music, other writings that help along with way.
here goes nothing
In college I was brash with brutal honesty with myself and with others. I lost that somewhere in time where life crushed me for the first time. I was humbled by the weight of overwhelming expectations of life after college. I moved home and in a long process I lost my home in more ways than I thought possible. In losing my home I lost myself and the things that I used to hold dear.
but sitting in the same bed room that used to hold all of my dreams I have stopped trying to put the pieces back together but instead build new things out of life.
in many ways I have changed. I got older, I got a real job, I shave every day and put on a tie before going out the door. I am now the exact opposite of everything I used to be and I hate it. In growing up I have realized that my life couldnt always be the wrinkeled mess beside my bed. Yes, the paycheck is nice but I am having a hard time resting my happiness in cash.
In many ways I am the same. I still love the same things. I am still wildly insecure and I still lose sleep at night.
I am 25, having a quarter life crisis. The last 4 weeks at my new job have been hell and I really thought about quitting. I ended a 7 month relationship and was just treading water.
But things work out in funny ways. I had a date set up last friday and it fell through in the last minute and in my self loathing I decided to go back to the one place that makes me happy. Home. Boone, NC.
12 of my best guy friends from school all came back. I drank a lot of beer. I climbed trees. I swam in a river. I sat outside. I played electric guitar. I had fun. The last of this is something I havent had in a long time. I had fun being myself. I wasnt having to be anything else, the new employee, the appeasing boyfriend, the weekend planner, the son. I was myself for 2 days and it opened my eyes.
In the past few years I lost a lot of myself to many reasons but last weekend made me realize that it was my fault and it made me really happy. the old saying "control what you can control" is something I took to heart. I let go of so much that it took its toll on me and now I am going to take those things. Honestly, its nothing major. But the little things add up. My self confidence had dropped a lot in the past 2 months and I realized that it was my ability to control myself and not others that made me happy.
So I am going back to the basics. It starts with diet and exercise for me. I lost 90lbs in college and thrived in a setting of self discipline that gave me strength. I lost that, I got happy, I got lazy. Not any more. This blog will be an outlet for my daily struggles to control my weight/diet/exercise.
It continues to self expression. I used to write every night just to write and I stopped doing that. Not any more. I will hopefully use this tool every night to stir something inside of me.
It ends with fun. I thrive to having a good time and I havent been having a good time for a long time. It will be the little things, daily observations, trivia, sports, music, other writings that help along with way.
here goes nothing
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