Back to the basics

I need something else.  I have hit a wall creatively.  pen and paper seem to haunt the dark that used to be my bed room sanctuay.  I think over the past 2 years since graduating college I have put back the walls that used to let me write for hours each night.  something in me is scared...its this growing up thing.

In college I was brash with brutal honesty with myself and with others.  I lost that somewhere in time where life crushed me for the first time.  I was humbled by the weight of overwhelming expectations of life after college.  I moved home and in a long process I lost my home in more ways than I thought possible.  In losing my home I lost myself and the things that I used to hold dear.

but sitting in the same bed room that used to hold all of my dreams I have stopped trying to put the pieces back together but instead build new things out of life. 

in many ways I have changed.  I got older, I got a real job, I shave every day and put on a tie before going out the door.  I am now the exact opposite of everything I used to be and I hate it.  In growing up I have realized that my life couldnt always be the wrinkeled mess beside my bed.  Yes, the paycheck is nice but I am having a hard time resting my happiness in cash.

In many ways I am the same.  I still love the same things.  I am still wildly insecure and I still lose sleep at night.

I am 25, having a quarter life crisis.  The last 4 weeks at my new job have been hell and I really thought about quitting.  I ended a 7 month relationship and was just treading water. 

But things work out in funny ways.  I had a date set up last friday and it fell through in the last minute and in my self loathing I decided to go back to the one place that makes me happy.  Home.  Boone, NC.

12 of my best guy friends from school all came back.  I drank a lot of beer.  I climbed trees.  I swam in a river.  I sat outside.  I played electric guitar.  I had fun.  The last of this is something I havent had in a long time.  I had fun being myself.  I wasnt having to be anything else, the new employee, the appeasing boyfriend, the weekend planner, the son.  I was myself for 2 days and it opened my eyes.

In the past few years I lost a lot of myself to many reasons but last weekend made me realize that it was my fault and it made me really happy.  the old saying "control what you can control" is something I took to heart.  I let go of so much that it took its toll on me and now I am going to take those things.  Honestly, its nothing major.  But the little things add up.  My self confidence had dropped a lot in the past 2 months and I realized that it was my ability to control myself and not others that made me happy.

So I am going back to the basics.  It starts with diet and exercise for me.  I lost 90lbs in college and thrived in a setting of self discipline that gave me strength.  I lost that, I got happy, I got lazy.  Not any more.  This blog will be an outlet for my daily struggles to control my weight/diet/exercise.

It continues to self expression.  I used to write every night just to write and I stopped doing that.  Not any more.  I will hopefully use this tool every night to stir something inside of me.

It ends with fun.  I thrive to having a good time and I havent been having a good time for a long time.  It will be the little things, daily observations, trivia, sports, music, other writings that help along with way.

here goes nothing