flash fiction

"Who wouldnt want a Rob Pattinson haircut?" she asked me.

I looked at myself in the rearview mirror of her car and knew I'd never be good enough for her.

She turned to me and smiled, I put my hand on her leg.  This was the appropriate response.

The truth was that neither of us loved the other.  Sure, we said it out loud.  It meant nothing more than the way I watch her throw away clothes.

We got off the highway.  I ran my hands through my hair.  She put on lipstick and pulled her hair into a pony tail.  I looked again in the rearview mirror afraid to take off my sunglasses.

I walked slightly behind her as we went in the house.  We had sex in her mom's bed.  I flipped through channels while she showered.

We went to dinner.  I barely ate anything that I ordered.  The waiter brought me a box that I left on the table after I paid the bill.  I pretended to be sick so we didnt have to go meet any of her friends.

We dont have sex again.  She fell asleep with her back to me.

I left in the middle of the night and drive home.  My father wass passed out in his chair, tv on, glass condensating on the nightstand.  I showered and didnt dry off before I got in bed.

I couldnt tell if I was crying or if it was my wet hair.

Tomorrow is tuesday

Ouch, Ouch..you're on my hair

1st dates.

A forced, awkward, intimate situation

A great deal of fun.

We all know what makes a bad 1st date because it becomes the last date.

What makes a great 1st date?

I dont know, but I will tell you my ideal 1st date and what has worked or not worked for me in the past.

I love 1st dates.  they are probably some of my favorite things in the whole world.  The best part is the build up to the date.  You spend time liking somone, getting to know someone, stalking someone on facebook, talking to friends or just bumping into someone at the gym and it goes from there.  Many ways and many different outcomes but its always a chance at a new beginning.

A lot of people freak out on 1st dates, esp guys.  But I always looked at it in a positive way, she could have said no in the 1st place so at least you get your shot.  I spent a long time in college chasing a girl that never knew so I vowed never to do that again.  And I havent.

The best way for me to get a date was just hang out with the girl in very social situations and just talk to her.  It makes things very relaxed, although playing it cool sometimes is the hardest fucking thing in the world for me to do.  I am terribly uncool.  But I always ask a girl if she would like to have dinner.  Drinks seems to informal to me.  Usually after some cat and mouse play we set a date and leave it kind of open.

The worst part of the 1st date for me is deciding what to wear.  Yes, what to wear.  I have a very basic wardrobe and it usually serves me well.  But after years of college I have decided that I always go with a long sleeve button up shirt for the 1st date and shorts or pants depending on the weather.  The reason I go long sleeve is two fold.  One, I have a tattoo on my left bicep and the last thing I need is a tighter fitting shirt looking like I am trying to show off my tattoo.  Its not even that cool and I hardly know its there.  The 2nd reason I wear a button up is just comfort level.  A tshirt looks too everyday and a polo looks to preppy. 

The date setting for me is very basic and simple.  I always cook and always like to be at her place.  Start out by picking her up and then going to the store to get the ingredients.  I usually go pasta, veggies and some chicken.  Grocery shopping is fun and its a cool enviroment to see how she reacts.  Maybe she grabs some cookies or maybe a bottle of wine.  Lots of things to read into.  Now, as cliche as me cookin appears (and it is) I love to cook.  It runs in my family and I enjoy it.  So the girl gets to relax, I let her ask the questions and enjoy some good food and wine.  Pasta is easy to cook, so are veggies and chicken but there is still something very sexy about a kitchen...like grabbing a girl by her hips and setting her on the counter and making out right there...plenty of chances for that.

After dinner, do the dishes and its at this point that you know how the date is going.  If you have good, flowing conversation chances are that they date is going well.  Its all about eye contact and smiles.  if she smiles and laughs, your good to go.  I love movies, so I always suggest a good movie.  But the movie cant be too serious or scary.  I love old slasher films because they add a little tension and you can still talk and laugh at them.  Made the mistake of watching the Shining on a date in high school because neither of us had seen it...def no make out.

A good 1st date ends with a decent make out on the couch and all of the sudden the movie has cut off.  A good 1st date leaves you smiling on the front door steps and texting the girl you had a good time before you even get home that night.  Never, ever wait a day boys.  Thats silly and if you like the girl dont mess around.

What makes a good 1st date?

its the people.  If the person you are with is fun to spend time with then it wont matter if you are cooking dinner, bowling, rock climbing or going to a concert.  If it doesnt work out then you know what you really want in the next person.  There is nothing wrong with moving on and looking.  But there is nothing better than having fun.

Lip Smack

So I was having a pretty normal day.  Then after work I had a fun and hilarious conversation with a good friend of mine.  We were talking about relationships and silly things we'd both done recently.  The subject of kissing came up and she told me thats what my next blog has to be about so here goes...

A kiss isnt just a kiss, it never is.  We arent talking about kissing a relative or even a good night kiss.  We are talking about a kiss thats looking for something.  Passion, love, sex, fun...all of the above.  A good kiss is a "god damn" moment that raises eye brows and blood pressure.  A bad kiss sinks the titanic...just ask billy zane.

Lord knows Ive done my share of kissing.  I spent the last 2.5 years of my college career doing quality research.  to me the one thing that makes a great kiss is comptability and personality.  I have kissed a lot of great kissers and they all had different ways of kissing, but their ability to learn on the fly as well as my own made the kiss/make out even better. 

Lets start with a bad kiss, this came up today and after some thought on my last hook up and some of the connecting themes run through.  The worst kinda kiss to me is the very open mouth, swallowing, lots of tounge kinda kiss.  God forbid he/she scrapes you with some teeth.  It's a smothering style of kiss that just kills it for me.  I had a date a few years ago with a very beautiful girl.  Everything was going great, there was an electric feel to the date and I was just dying to kiss her.  We got back to her place and BOOM.....1st kiss I knew I would never feel anything special for her.  I am pretty sure she was trying to eat my face much like Hannibal Lecter.  After I pulled myself from her jaws and politely said good-nite I was so defeated.  It was my 1st really bad kiss and after such a great night it sucked to have that happen.  Same thing with another recent night.  Great vibes, good dancing, a little sweaty...1st kiss just killed my drive.  But looking at the parties involved I realized that personality drives their style.  It lends itself to a person who is very dominating and controlling.  Their suffocation of the person they kiss is them trying to take control of things and letting the other person know they dont have control.  They are not bad people but when it comes to kissing it does very little for me.

A good kiss is a revelation.  A good kiss comes from many places; spur of the moment, heat of passion, random bar.  But they all have one thing in common, the ability to bring you right back in.  A good kiss doesnt have to have a good starting point...the last lady I dated, man did I ruin the take off for that kiss.  We'd had a great time on the date and I knew we would kiss but I never had my moment.  So sitting in the car mid conversation I just went for it.  I could have been bad, awful, could have ruined the month leading up to it.  It was good, sweet and short.  We pulled back and she smiled, suprised, but sometimes you have to say fuck it.  We had monthes of great kissing but even our worst one had a strong end.  a good kiss is all about learning.  Its the persons ability to feel, adjust or just let go.  So many things go into a kiss that its not just one thing.  Dont let anyone fool you when they say it takes love or feeling to be a great kiss..thats bullshit.  A girl I worked with a few years ago in college would always challenge me to see who could make out with the most people at a party...she always won because she would kiss girls which was totally worth it to me.  But we ended up kissing and I never had an inkling of emotional connection to this girl but she was deffinately the best kisser I have ever come in contact with.  Now is kissing someone your in love with great...absolutely.  I love nothing more than to brush the hair of a woman's shoulder and kiss the back of her neck and collar bone. 

A kiss is not just a kiss.  A good kiss should remind you of something.  Whether its the taste of red wine on the back porch at a party or the way cool lips and ice cream make you think of that one fourth of july...it takes you somewhere.  So go out there, close your eyes and let your hands roam where they may because there is nothing better than a good kiss to make your day

thunderstorm

"I spent all day with you on my mind
collecting a little pile of what you'd left behind
just a little bit of lace and some simple things
stuff you'd leave around when I'd watch you change

I looked around this old, dirty room
and realized how little space I left for you
understanding for the 1st time the things you said were true
that we were over by the time I said I loved you

The little black number that you wore on my birthday
the present I was always glad to open
lays on the floor next to my empty bed
collecting dust like words we never said

a picture of us fell behind my night stand
it sat there crumbled and with bent edges
i debated, but I ended up throwing it away
knowing that the smiles had already started to fade

you'd left hair ties all over this place
the one's you used to pull your hair out of your face
even though every time I kissed your face and it turned red
from my beard that you said you loved

The good times they just couldnt last
now I am here just cleaning up my past
You'd moved in and now you've moved on
because I couldnt be the man you could fall asleep on"

...had a bigger post planned, but Id rather listen to this storm.

What to pack?

been listening to lots of new music today.  on the docket so far has been Decemberists - hazards of love; Bon Iver - for emma, forever ago; and bonnie "prince" billy - master and everyone.  All three have been simply amazing and I am happy about that.  Got an old dylan album, radiohead album, beck, and band of horses coming up.

I didnt watch glee tonite until the very end because I was listening to the bon iver album.  Yes, I can sit alone for an hour and just listen to music and do nothing at all.  Among my other weird obsessions are watching behind the scenes of movies and watching them with the commentary on, robots and teddy bears.

played golf today, loved it.  Dad joined for a few holes and just rode with.  Came home, got in a good workout and moved some furniture around so now my room finally looks like a real room complete with a dresser and all...incredible since we've only been back in since april.

After listening to my new music, I caught the last part of biggest loser.  Not to piggy back off too much of last nites post, but I pretty much cry every time I watch the show because I know those struggles.  I remember how hard it was to be so over weight and not feel any thing good about yourself.  I remember how hard it was the 1st day I went on the treadmill at my apartment complex and I could only jog for 4.5 minutes.  Alot's changed but its a great show and they absolutely do wonders with the people for the rest of their lives.

I am an easy crier.  Yes, I Luke Strader cry like a baby in many instances.  Consider me the millenial male; tall, dark, handsome and emo...haha.  I come from a family of people that ball.  Pretty much any time my whole family gets together my mom will cry; if my dad hears "travelin solider" by dixie chicks; if my sisters just see any sad movie or dogs.  I cry at silly things.  I cry at the end of movies easily...jesus, i cried in armageddon for christ sakes, the end of braveheart everytime...and Rudy, dont even go there.  One day in college I watched the ultimate iron man contest in Hawaii and the whole time they did specials on people in the race who had overcome cancer, ran for dead family members, were disabled veterans and so on...needless to say I cried for about 2 hrs straight.  Anyone that is a UNC fan and saw the E60 report on Jason Ray, he was the UNC mascot that was killed by a out of control diver during the NCAA tourney a few years ago and he was an organ donor, his organs saved 6 or 8 people and they brought all of them together to meet his parents.  One of the few times I remember sobbing, my dad called me on the phone in the middle of the show and he was balling too.

The weird thing is that I cry at all those moments, have no fear of showing my emotions, but in situations under extreme emotion I close up.  When my dad almost died a few years ago and we said our good-byes I remember not crying for days.  I didnt cry when our house burned.  I dont cry at funerals or weddings.  I dont know what the difference is, something in me shuts down.  I can feel it happen too.  I had a few break ups that the same thing happened, I just shut down.  Its almost as if I get so emotional that my anger takes over and I cant cry, I get mad.  Maybe thats something I should work on, but if you want to see me cry just play a really good song or a sad bastard movie.

Some new writing from an old place...

"I never lied to her
this wasnt something we'd die for
I'm not the man she needs to cry for
because I cant be her man anymore
her voice cracked
as I removed myself from her life
the salt in her tears
would be the last time she'd taste me
she stared at me with unfamiliar eyes
as i looked down at the floor
hanging my head under the weight
of realizing I didnt love her any more
there is nothing left to fight for
Someone else will love her more
I've realized that I cant be her man
some day soon she'll understand
that I was never good for her
But nothing between us was ever a lie
there was always a smile with each kiss
and with every fading memory she'll soon forget"

Shit Sandwhich

Been a while.  Had a decent weekend.  Had to work, so that puts a damper on anything because there is nothing worse than actually pretending to listen to someone while you have a hang over.  got dressed down and went to a nice blue grass weddin.  They had banjo players, line dancing, and a pot luck dinner.  Good time with good people.  The band's rendition of "wagon wheel" was lacking and I know me and my boys from boone would much better represent.

My soap boxing here is usually kept to a minimum but I saw something today at work that almost sent me over the fucking edge.  For those of you that dont know I manage a cafeteria at a certain hospital.  Today, a man was pushing an extremely over weight lady through the food area.  This lady was big, I am talking fat guy "Glutton" killing from Se7en big.  She had her little o2 tank and everything.  I had started to feel sad for her until turning back around and seeing that on her tray at the check out line was a BBQ sandwich, French Fries, apple pie, regular cake.  I almost took it away from her.  I was so disgusted I had to turn and walk away and go sit in my office for a minute.  Not only was I furious at the choice, I was disturbed. 

Weight is an issue that I will always battle.  My family is overweight, some of my friends are, the whole damn country seems to be overweight.  For 21 years of my life I paid no attention to what I put into my body or did with it.  But something clicked, I lost 90 lbs and people always ask me what I did.  There is one, very simple answer; eat less and exercise more.  to what capacity you do these two things determines your weight loss.  As a personal trainer, I always told my clients that losing weight isnt rocket science. 

By no means am I perfect.  I dont eat perfect, I dont exercise like an athelete.  I dont have abs or a ripped body.  But I know that there are certain things I need to do to live a healthier life style.  I will offer advice to friends that ask, and I will ride my family pretty hard because Diabetes, blood pressure, and heart problems run in my family and id like to have them around.  But this woman, who is living on manufactured air cares so little about herself that she'd rather die than give it a try.  She would rather give in to not caring than give a damn and just get a turkey sandwhich, some fruit and a diet drink. 

I got tomorrow off of work.  Quality alone time, which I have doing a lot recently.  I think it always bothered my parents that I could spend all day by myself in the basement.  I can watch movies, play guitar, play video games, write, just relax.  Dont get me wrong, there is nothing better than quality time with people you love, but every now and then its nice to just shut down for a day.

I got some new music to go listen to and think about love, sex, and death.

What else is there?

ouch, ouch...you're on my hair

feelin good, got the day off work tomorrow so I like being able to get some stuff done during the week.  Gonna go play golf too.  any day where I am not working and playing golf is a perfect fucking day.  gonna meet up with some friends in ole Winston to grab some food and then watch some football. 

golf is a big passion of mine, one that I neglected over the past few years because its expensive and when you are a part timer living in your parents basement there is very little chance to play.  I also have almost no friends that play golf so that leaves me and the dad piece to play.

golf in a way became like my sports religion.  There is nothing better than walking around a beautiful course and letting the sun hit your face.  The swinging part and chasing a ball are the easy parts.  I used to be really good, talkin really good.  It was a sport I picked up with and could be super type A with because there was so much in a golf swing that I knew I had to control.  I used to have the worst temper when I was a teenager and it sucked because I played golf and tennis competitively so I had only myself to blame.  As I grew older I let that part go and just started to enjoy the game.  Hated the pressure of competitve golf ultimately because I just loved to play the game and not compete.  It is actually the only thing I was never competitive with, all other sports, games and such drive me insane.  I get visibly ill when I lose at dodgeball in college and got kicked out of several flag football games as well...

speaking of football, shout out to a certain pittsburg steelers/WVU fan who knows there is nothing worse than roethlisburgers mullet last season.

but I am going to bed an old man who will enjoy the shit out of his day off tomorrow.

hopefully have some good stuff from the golf course to write about

Her perfect man

People keep telling me they read this and I laugh, I have no clue why but its cool.  I am not that funny, not that charming, always considered myself the epitome of average with a bit of a cocky swagger to cover up some of the rest.

Living for the weekends, and I am looking foreward to this one.  I have to work but I get a bon fire, blue grass bands, camping, cold beer and great company...sounds like a helluva wedding to me. 

Been writing on paper here recently and its a great feeling.  I love the smell of paper and pencil, the burning rubber of an eraser taking back thoughts that just didnt make the cut.  Typing is nice, but it doesnt give me the same satisfaction...its like masturbation, its fast and efficient but not nearly as fun as the real thing.

I am like the clark griswold of getting hyped about the smallest things.  when work sucks even the idea of a thursday nite football game just sounds like the most epic adventure even though I will likely leave at half time to be home in time for bed but thats beside the point.  I find that I did this a lot in the past with woman, the smallest little thing would set off my insane ability to start projecting the future instead of just letting the things come to me.  I suffered miserable heart break and terrible let downs in love just from my own craziness.  I wrote a few words last weekend so I hope you like them.

"I stared at a picture,
just a prayer in my mind
looking at her smile
I already know there is something to this girl
this is what I do
the build up
I live on 1st impressions
open to suggestions about how to change myself
because I never feel good enough
to be liked for who I am
my fault has always been her smile
wanting, no needing, to get what I want
I want to be her perfect man
head to toe
smile and eyes
i work so hard and want to try
but i cant relax
and be myself
because I am scared of that someone else
the thought of losing keeps me from trying
but sometimes i feel like im dying
tired to lying
and hoping that everything I am
is good enough for her"

the line that kinda started this was "I want to be her perfect man"  I had that one stored around since college.  When I was really fat I had the biggest crush on a girl that lived in the apartment upstairs.  I never felt good enough for her.  I didnt lose weight for her but I can easily admit that she was a huge part of my transformation during college.  The funny thing was at the end of all my struggles and fight that when I finally hit my goals that I realized she would never feel that way about me no matter how skinny or fat I was.  That kind of ruined my fragile state of mind because I spent a year working on everything I'd say to her and then it just bottomed out.  But I had this dream one time where I wished that I could turn into what ever man she wanted me to be and at the end of the dream I saw myself in the mirror and it was someone that wasnt me.  that was a rough dream to have as a 22 yr old but I learned a lot from it in the long run.

"pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try"

words to live by and thats what I am doing. 

Dear Drew Brees, my fantasy football team would really like you to have a great game next weekend.

break up

He'd seen this look in her eyes before
just like she'd seen him planning this for weeks
she fought back the tears in her eyes
as he stumbled through their last good-bye
she recoiled at his outstretched arms
he didnt know what else to say
they were feet apart but worlds away
she held herself together like any woman would
she hid her pain and laughed out a smile
this was a joke and so was he
he felt sorry and hated that he hurt her
he lacked words not required of men in this world
he sat down and just waited
the look on his face said sedated
she looked everywhere but at him
her glare was evident and powerful
she asked why?
he said he didnt know
she broke and started to cry
over emotion he couldnt show
he got angry because he hated her tears
he felt fragile and questioned everything
They fought
They Screamed
It hurt
they pushed buttons and crawled under skin
but this had no make up sex waiting at the end
each of them found a passion that had been missing
they burned memories of the other like southern crosses
they found out how much love really hurts
when everything in their world fails to work
sometimes love falls and you cant win
but out of the ashes of their argument
they both felt alive again
she felt strong and independent
he felt free and wild
they said things to each other that they didnt mean
but this wasnt the most obscene
they suffered more in the past few months
where they drifted apart at the seams
they smiled in pictures but it was forced
they held hands outside but it hurt
he no longer swept her off her feet
and she no longer made him smile
they lived in denial
now they walk away
both saying what finally needed to be said
life moves on
the sun will rise
there will still be suprise
they didnt hug
there was no familiar tug
it was over
it was awkward
but they have new lives to walk towards

Whiskey and Smiles

What a good weekend.  Relaxing, spent time at home with family and friends.  Got off work, mowed the yard, worked out and watched the cutest damn 2 yr old run around in circles and just let it wash all over me.  Sometimes we lose sight of the little things because the big things seem so tall.  Its learning how to smile all over again and remembering that its the life we love to live thats worth getting out of bed.

I went looking for answers at the bottom of the bottle last nite.  And sometimes thats not a bad thing.  The answer is never there but the journey was the thing.  The throat burn of a stiff drink and that warm feeling in your gut as everyone around starts to smile and dance.  5 people and 2 kids, all stages of life, finding out that right now is all we got.  I have a gaurd around me and my heart thats tough to crack, my fear of getting hurt is sometimes overwhelming.  Its hard for me to open up to family, friends, lovers and sometimes myself.  I end up hurting others just to save myself in the long run and that is no way to treat the people in my life. 

After the kids and the girls all fell asleep the music kept playing, the football games still went on and I sat down with two of my best friends and just let it all out.  The problem with telling a secret to anyone is fearing the judgement on the end, we just need someone to listen instead of waiting to respond.  But last nite I asked for guidance, I need some every now and then and its good to have points of view that arent you own to look in on from time to time.  We didnt solve anything last nite, we talked about them.  The world is still at war, people still need food....I dont have problems.

I woke up this morning wondering about all the things that I thought id dreamed.  I checked my phone and cleaned up the home.  The world around me is still spinning but I know last nite that I looked at that bitch and couldnt stop grinnin.

Who doesnt want a Rob Pattinson Haircut?

Its the kinda night where I had to write.  Came home from work and went for a 2 mile run and then sat on the back deck with a pen and paper, head phones on just enjoying the setting sun.

I had a line that I had stuck on a peice of paper for quite a long time "He's given himself away" and I couldnt think of where to go with it for a long time, then I just kinda sat there and thought about a man falling apart.  Things always fall apart and usually other people see it coming and no one does any thing about it.  I ran with this idea of looking at someone who was just plodding and wasting time.  So here is what I came up with....

"He's heard it all before
and that leaves him wanting something more
he's always had one foot out the door
convinced himself that he was nothing to his girl

He can't see the long and waiting line
tired of hearing 'boy, you'll be fine'
He's been broken now for a long time
walking away just to leave his world behind

He's given himself away
to be left in little pieces
he takes whats left
wonders 'what does she see in me'

He does whatever he wants to
because he is left with nothing to hold on to
be strong and dammit act like a man
but somethings he just doesnt understand

you can see the limp in his walk
the pain in his voice when he talks
he smiles but there is a lot to hide
so much he cant hide behind his eyes

He's given himself away
to be left in little pieces
he takes whats left
wondering 'what does she see in me?'

....its scary to look back at those lyrics and see so much of myself and my past relationships in the drying ink on those pages.  In writing classes, they tell you to write what you know.  That is scary, its the looking within and at the man in the mirror that has always taken its toll on me.

I wrote a short story that involved stories I accumulated from friends and twisted them around with a dark, sharper edge and it made me hate things for a long time.  I lost sleep, almost disappearing because I had become disgusted with the characters that seemed so close to home.  I havent written that character since because it just ruins things for me.

Songs are easy, songs are stories that can be any little thing I think about.  It starts with a word or it starts with a chord but usually the process is refreshing and fun for me.

Lets blog about sex baby

"you can lie between her legs and go looking for, tell her you're searching for her soul" - Damien Rice

Everybody's doin it.

It's easily the best thing in the world, forget your sunrise/sunset, the best drug, the best rush comes from skin on skin.  It can be anything and everything you want it to be; the catharsis, the anger, the sorrow, the sweet, the rough and even the worst.  Everyone has that one story, that one person that just couldnt make things happen.

I have a pretty liberal view of sex, maybe its the hippie part of me or just the fact that I am simply hedonistic, or that I went to college and to bars and made lots of bad decisions.  Either way I think a lot of people arent having enough sex.  This country is still amazingly scared to see it, talk about it, that it makes me laugh.  Although people would rather tell you bout the last person they fucked instead of talk about politics without fighting about it.

I have done stupid things for sex, i have burned bridges, I have gotten my own heart broken, I have broken hearts all in the name of sex.  In one of my english classes in college the professor said you can only write about 3 things....love, sex, death.  He also went on to talk about how sex caused the other two so really the only thing to talk about was sex; either its happening or being repressed.

Sometimes I feel like woman can think of any reason not to have sex.  The guy isnt tall enough, he has a weird laugh, they are stressed about work, they want to be single, they have a headache.  It is amazing how much I have heard girls that are friends of mine talk about why they wouldnt go out with someone/sleep with them.  Its comical but its also a telling trait I learned about woman through my own adventures.  I have no problem with ladies choosing how they go about their sex lives, but when its obvious that a girl just needs to get laid you cant help but laugh at the things that get in the way. 

....guys, on the other hand, will think of any reason to have sex.  She has a great smile, she could be hot, she talked to me outside of class, its tuesday, its any second of every day.  One of the funniest things I've heard about men is that we have two heads and only enough blood to run one.  We all know which one is in control all the time.  Its like the floating sword macbeth follows, a power unlike anything.  I remember going through puberty and the hell that was a rando boner mid class...the feeling of what the hell is going on with me.  Funny thing is how much that still goes on now and I am 25.  I was walking through work the other day and saw a nurse with a phenomenal booty and just ended up following her and getting lost with out even realizing. 

The best part about sex is the little things.  The kiss behind the ear, biting of the lip, a deep breathe at the right time, body heat, kissing down the spine, finger nails digging in, hands that seem to be everywhere.  Its the passion, its the ultimate letting go.  Its beauty, its art. 

So my thoughts are have lots of sex.  Morning sex, shower sex, all kinds of sex.  It will make you smile

"no, i am not where I belong"

I am looking for that shining light to guide me home - Dallas Green

Listening to some sad bastard music per usual around the night time for me.  Had one of those days of just total apathy.  I didnt eat well, didnt eat enough, had to cut my run short and felt like crap in general afterwards.  I have to take this week off from lifting because my shoulders had been killing me from over use and I know my body pretty well now.  it also doesnt help when mom brings home fresh apple crisp a lady made her at school.  just get back on the wagon tomorrow.

Like i said, it was one of those days where I little energy to give a shit about any thing.  I did my work, left on time, and invested little of my mental capacity to change.  Today was the kind of the day where you think about calling in sick on friday but I already had a day off last week. 

My weekend plans keep changing, go to charlotte, go to app for football game, go to raleigh, go to a concert.  Such a cross roads right now that I hate that it all falls on me to make a decision.  sometimes it sucks to be alone because a little help in choice will make my day right now.

at least tomorrow is wednesday.

going to get to bed early tonite, last weekend is catching up with me really hard and I lack it all to care.  I need sleep, I need fun, I need sex, I need a good drink, I need friends, I need family...but the sad thing is I dont know which ones I want right now.

So I'll just sleep on it....

another day in paradise

listening to ryan adams and watching college football...life doesnt get any better.

Took the weekend off, went down to paradise in Lake Oconee, Georgia.  Stayed at my uncles house.  The amount of wealth there is startling, somethings I dont understand.  But it was a great weekend and I got to drink lots of liqour, shoot some pool, eat good food, sat 1st row on the upper deck at the heels game and played golf.  Any weekend with half of those things is a damn good weekend.  I relaxed, I forgot and I just smiled...until the heels went down 20.  But even that didnt really bother me which is rare for a football game.

I am not easily moved or appalled.  I love a crude joke as much as any one and I am not afraid to push peoples buttons for no reason.  but I saw somethings this weekend that absolutely blew my mind.  I get as fired up about college football games as anyone I know, but fans for LSU took that to another level.  This is not me saying UNC fans dont do stupid ass shit and say things that are disgusting but Ive never seen anything like this even on a DOOK v UNC level.  At the pep rally before the game the bands were playing and fans of both teams were mingling.  I was pounding 8 dollar bud lites and a group of middle school UNC fans were going around and having a great time.  One of this kids happened to be a ginger, a red head, and a group of very adult LSU fans started to make fun of this kid.  They didnt say UNC sucks or that we cheat, they made fun of the kid for being a ginger, to his face, just because he wore light blue.  One of the guys then knocked his UNC flag out of his hand and they laughed as they walked away.  I didnt know how to respond, Ive never felt so pissed at something.  I couldnt bring myself to say something because it would have started something that probably would've ended horribly.  But as I watched a lady pick up the kids flag I couldnt help but wonder what this could would remember from that day and I hope it wasnt moment.

Thing that most disturbed me this weekend was a t-shirt.  Everyone loves a funny t-shirt.  One with holes that says "who farted" or something like that.  Saw an LSU fan with a shirt on that said "You can spell CUNT without UNC"  This shirt was bright purple and yellow and very easy to read.  Now I get some people can say things behind closed doors but the fact that this guy was wearing this shirt in public, around large groups of woman and a bunch of kids absolutely left me speechless.  There are a few words that you rarely hear people say and they provide such venom and hate that its really uncool to hear.  Ive dealt with the word Nigger a lot living in the south and its one of those things I shrugged off along time until my sister married a black man and they now have a kid.  Its something I take personal and its attacking my family.  I got into a very heated altercation with one of my best friends in college after using that word in front of me and I have never had to be restrained by friends before or since that moment.  I hardly hear cunt any more, its faded out a lot with the generation but it still has a bite to it.  and to see it on a t-shirt in public let me know that some people really have no care about others.  The real irony of it being that he was wearing a gold cross over his shirt....but thats a whole nother post that would only make me even more upset.

I look back at this weekend and smile.  It was nice to spend time with Dad.  Its very easy to forget how I almost lost him a few years ago and I cant imagine not having him hear.  My mom is the rock of my family and I love her even though its hard for me to express how much I appreciate the things she sacrafices for our family.  I cant imagine living without either of them and the scary part is knowing that I will.  But in the car ride my dad just said some things that hit home.  We never had "big talks."  our sex talk was brief, he said it was a beautiful thing that you share with a woman when your ready.  The best advice he every gave me was about marriage, he told me to marry a woman I can talk too when the sex is gone.  He wasnt preachy this weekend either, he just let me know that there are certain things I need to do and take responsibility for as a man.

Its easy to overlook parents as those who are talking at you and not to you.  Its the laughter you think you will miss, the love and the hugs, but I think I will appreciate and miss the times that my mom and dad let me know I had to get my shit together, that I am not perfect.  My parents are my best friends because they were never my best friends, they were my parents and taught me every step of the way.

Chicken

Today was my friday, I cant complain.  Work meetings and such kept me fairly busy.  I ate a little too much today.  Dinner was a train wreck over at Murphys...hard to pass up homemade deviled eggs.  Had a really good workout today.  Did 8 exercise circuit and had a great sweat going.  Trying to workout without music right now, its very tough.  Listening to my body and working a lot of my endurance.  Trying to slim down, maybe find an ab or two.

Was driving home from watching football tonite and had the ole ipod on shuffle and its amazing how much music can just know your soul better than you do.  I was listening to a band named Dredg and just rocking out when the lines "your journey back to birth is haunting you"  I have been talkin alot about starting over, building something new and its startling.  I want to focus on so much down to the little details and at the same time relax enough that my compulsions dont take over.  In going back to the old me I hope to be someone who learns and is always evolving.  I will have to meet new friends, I will have sex with someone new, I will dedicate myself to all the things that used to make me happy.  But somewhere along the line I realize that I am now standing on a cliff ready to jump off.....

which is why I want to go sky diving.  Its something I have always thought about doing but i never had the money because its pretty pricey to safely jump out of a perfectly good airplane.  This is a goal of mine, to completely let go of one of my biggest fears, heights.  I am sometimes crippled by the shortast of distances off the ground but took steps in college to remedy that.  I have jumped off a 40 and 60 ft cliff into a pool of cold ass mountain water and there has been nothing short of a mind blowing orgasm that has come close to that kind of rush.  I want to run with that, I want to submit to my fears and just free fall.  To know that my insignificant ass can let go off everything that holds me to this place for such a short while.  I dont meditate, I dont pray, I can barely sit still to watch a football game so this forced submersion is my only way to go.  who wants to go with me?

may or may not get to the computer this weekend down in ATL, tryin to disconnect while I am relaxing on vacation.  I look foreward to a nice change and hopefully seeing a good football game.  If you see me chasing Erin Andrews around the georgia dome just know that I am running after my dream woman, no big deal. 

True Courage

Its easy to bitch about my job, and I do...a lot.  But I often find it difficult when I work in a hospital.  I see patients being wheeled all over the place and there is nothing more wicked than seeing sick kids.  Brenner children hospital has 11 floors of sick kids, really sick kids.  Kids that may never grow up to bitch about work, May never know a sunrise at the beach after a nigt with your friends, may never know what it feels like to have great sex, to laugh so hard you cry.  I think about this as I see parents trying to hold it together while they hold a little hand with that medical bracelet thats way to big.  No parent should have to bury a child.

Ate a pathetic breakfast in a hurry.  had leftover spaghetti and a 150 calorie ice cream cake thing.  Turned down cake today at work and was proud of myself.  had a good lunch of chicken sandwhich, baked chips, 100 calorie pack, and grapes.  Had my afternoon snack of a banana and 20oz of water.  Good run and some pushups and a PWO shake.  Dinner was sushi (which i bought for the 1st time ever tonite, i felt so pretentious)

A song hit shuffle caught me off gaurd today, its "Sensible Heart" by city and colour.  its a great song about hiding emotions and I remember how much I took it to heart when I was college.  Its a very haunting song right now considering how I often feel that expressing my emotional range is somewhat limited.  Saying words isnt really easy for me, writing them is.  But some people need the audible reassurance that I often struggle with giving.  I realize that my presentation of myself often contradicts who I am.  I have had some of my best friends in the world tell me they were scared or intimidated by me when they 1st met me and thats not what I want at all.  Perception is the ultimate reality.

Watching a show on Discovery about all the different special units for the armed services.  Amazing.  I was seriously considering the Air Force last year and I often wonder where I would be in my life had I joined.  These guys sacrafice so much for something invisible.  I have many great philosophical differences about war but these guys have my respect hands down for the things they endure.  Sure they are trained to kill but then again I do believe anyone can kill when pushed to extremes. 

Tomorrow is my friday at work.  Took friday off for my Labor day and am heading down to Atlanta for the UNC v LSU game.  Looking foreward to spending time with family and football.