Halloween

Rough weekend.  Lots of driving and working, which is never fun.  A little too much booze in a costume and looking crazy while standing still.

Ive had the blog on ice for a bit, but its not like anyone really cares.  I had some things crop up and I wondered how serious I should take this and if I should go foreward with the whole brutal honesty thing.  So after letting work suck the life out of me and certain people saying a few things Ive come to the conclusion that I just dont give a damn.

Halloween

By far my favorite holiday, it beats all the other ones combined.

As a youngster Id lose sleep the night before just waiting to put on my costume and wear it to school.. Many years I was a vampire.  Funny now because everyone thinks I look like a werewolf.

I drove 3 hrs round trip tonite to Raleigh to see my 2.5 yr old nephew go trick or treating.  He was the cutest damn panda ever and I love that in a few years Ill be able to drunken scare the hell out of him and not get into too much trouble with his mom or my own.

I wasnt going to make the drive but friday I bought three new cds and I decided to listen to them and get to know them better and 3 hrs in the car was the perfect way.

I went for a 6 mile run the other day, training for a half marathon for no real reason, and listened to the new kings of leon album.  I love it.  I thought maybe them going to the slow and epic sound would piss me off cause I love their old rock stuff, but I cant hate a band for trying new stuff and it sounds good as hell.

This is the 1st halloween in years that I will spend in my own bed.  The holiday got me in all kinds of trouble in college and in recent years.  I get really into my costume and just get a little too drunk and end up in someone elses bed or on someone elses couch.

Freshman year I went to Frankin Street like everyone did, got hammered, unimpressed with the scene I walked through campus drunk.  I dont remember any of it.  All i know is that my prom date from senior year of high school saw me wandering around and helped me back to my friends dorm and was my angel that night.  I woke up the next morning with a hangover and a parking ticket.

Sophmore year I cant remember at all.  I would have been old chunky luke, probably in a crazy costume.  But its a total blank spot.

Junior year was a wild one.  I was a jehova's witness and one of my best friends, Alexis, had her 21st bday that night.  We hit the bars hard, I held hands with a girl I hardly knew and woke up alone at 11am in a sleeping bag with no clothes on and my bare ass showing for anyone to see.  I didnt make it to class.

Senior year was my craziest to date.  Had lost all my weight.  Grew m hair and beard out for 2 months to be wolverine.  Awesome pictures.  Was having an affair with a girl.  Went home with her that night, unreal, she was xena.  I walked home, shaved my beard still drunk at 4am and got up at 8am to drive to ATL with my friend Eric to stay with our friend ryan and go see a football game.

Victory Lap.  App game, at night, all dressed like superheros.  App won by about 70.  I was the human torch from the fantastic 4 in skin tight leggings and underarmour.  Got drunk off everclear at a house party after the game, made out with a girl who I didnt even know her name, got her number, woke up n the living room of the house and went to eat with all my boys still in my costume.

Last year. 2 months after the house fire.  In the height of my full depression.  Training to join the air force, went as a volleyball player from Top Gun.  Covered in baby oil.  Slept on a couch, after showering of course, all alone.

It was nice to take a year off this year.  Hit the bars for a minute last night, but Ive been pushing things in the past and now Im just one day at a time.

Time to watch zombies eat people

"Why do they call it a Jeffrey?"

Was driving home and listening to some music and for some damn reason thought about Jay Gatsby standing on the edge of his dock and reaching out.  I have no idea where that came from but it is an amazing image and I just started writing.  Gatsby would be all kinds of messed up inside, crazy love, we have all been there at one point but I havent read that book in forever and I cant remember if it skirts the issue or not.  I may go back at read.

"Standing there at the waters edge
barefoot toes curling over the docks cold, wooden ledge
My windblown hair dirty with drops of the waters foam
I am reaching out, dying to bring you home

I loved you once, I've loved you forever
But a dark blue distance keeps us from being together
I turned to leave with your light behind me
Lighting a past thats getting a lot harder to see

I am taking off someone else's clothes, sleeping in someone else's bed
losing sleep over thoughts of you in my head
the man in the mirror now is just a ghost to me
too well dressed and clean for all the pain that I see

In a crowded room my eyes never leave you
Ive built my world to be your dream come true
All that I think is missing from my life is you
Ive built my world for you to be my dream come true

I see you beside him, I even shook his hand
my life consists of me living to be another man
the smile you give the world is different than the one you give me
I know that your love would be safe with me

So every night I walk outside, in the dark I hide
from the world the tears in my eyes
You'll be loved if you just take my hand
and allow me to finally be your man"

Rock Climbing with Stallone

Every girl that leaves takes another peice of me
so much I am afraid of what the next wont see
I wander from here looking for myself
collecting the parts still suffering in frozen ground

Pieces of me litter little parts of this big world
all because I feel in love with another girl
one after the other leaves their mark on me
from scarlett letters to pain she cant see

I am walking shorelines and long open roads
to bring the missing parts of me back home
i was blind then, so how could I know?
started walking not knowing where to go

One by one I am picking up the pieces
one by one I am facing all my demons
but putting myself together isnt that simple
because my broken hearted hands still tremble

I am scared of feeling complete
I am scared of letting someone else love me
because I am tired of listing all my faults
and falling in love with me shouldnt be her fault

But soon enough, Ive put myself back together
just yesterday, I swore it would take forever
But now I am boring and feel so paralyzed
by falling in love with the look in another girl's eyes

Striking Out

I am losing it
I cant even hold on to my dream of you
dont know why I miss you like I do
its sad but true
there isnt something new
Me here dreaming of falling in love with you
i dont know why
im a sucker for your eyes
thinking about your mouth
kissing into a smile to erase my doubt

I am drowning
I cant swim under the weight of my life
I worry so much that I lose sleep
about all the ways I could sweep you off your feet
I look around all these crashing waves
head above water just dying to be saved
by a kiss in the morning after you stayed

I am searching for God
resting my faith in your soft hands
open my eyes and set me free
wipe the tears and conquer my fears
that I'll walk alone the rest of these years
I'll let you love me only if you can save me

I am lost
found myself wrapped around your little finger
just enough to let things linger
but I am still in the dark
using my hands to look for your heart
but I still stumble
looking for love keeps me humble
get shot down
sit down and look around
complain about there not being a woman in this god damn town

I am nobody's boy
just a toy
a get away car with an easy smile
its the way I talk that leaves me alone
the place you go when you run away from home
but not the place you'd live
the boy that helps you forget
and realize the man you still miss

I am good and bad
the happy and sad
laughing at a funeral
crying at a wedding
tied down and twisted
looking for the life I ought to be living
I hoped it was with you
hoping all I needed was to fall in love with you

"In the water, where you came from"

We live in the digital age.

i learned how to type and play computer games before I learned how to play anything else.  I grew up with a game controller in my hand playing simulation sports, war, magic games.  I grew up in a world that has now collasped on top of me in every way digital.  Phone, internet, work...all computer driven.

I dont hate technology by any means, I love my ipod, laptop and the luxuries it affords me in my everyday life.  I dont call myself lazy.  that label is for people who dont get anything done, i am efficient.  I get done what I need to at the speed I want and technology lets me do that when I want.  I sat at work today checking emails, typing emails, looking at invoices, listening to music, and texting two different people all while checking facebook comments that have gone on amber alert for badass this weekend.

But I am startled at how technology effects me on a day to day basis.  Right down to human interaction.  I deal with hundreds of customers and I manage over 20 employees on a daily basis and its amazing to see people who dont know how to simply communicate with other people. You say hello to someone and they almost look like they dont know how to respond back to you.  Its not a rude thing, its a fact that they are so out of practice with the world that pure human interaction almost haunts them like analog music and dial up internet.

The craziest part of the digital age for me is the whole dating, meeting people thing.  I consider myself a people person, a serious flirt, and just someone that will do anything at anytime.  But as I graduated college the pool you swim in gets smaller.  your friends move, you break up with girls and you work 40-60 hr weeks.  But I can come home and log onto facebook and there a beautiful girl is smiling at me, one that I know on a personal level, one that I know a lot of things about, one that I can easily be in contact with.  You can stay in great contact with someone that lives on the other side of the globe like you see them every day, and now because of facebook, you do.  You see them grow up, you see their ex boyfriends, you know their friends that you havent met because they are tagged in photos and comments are made.

The crazy part is where you draw the line or start something out of the digital air.  you text people, carry on conversations every day, through out the day but sometimes you have gone hours without hearing your own voice and maybe havent heard theirs in days, weeks, ever? 

I dated a girl and we never talked on the phone.  All we did was text. we hung out on the weekends and never skipped a beat.  Things were good but the relationship took on the brunt of some huge personal issues that I was going through with being unemployed and the house fire a year ago.  but even through all of that our interpersonal relationship and communication never suffered even if we did only argue on the phone.

I met my ex girlfriend through facebook.  She was the sister of one of my best friends.  She saw a picture of me, asked her sister about me and it started from there.  One problem...she lived in asia at the time.  I friended her on facebook and we started talking.  Wall posts turned into messages.  The messages got longer and then we skyped.  I felt like I was dating a girl for a few weeks before I had even seen her in person.  It felt natural.  We had a great 1st date, talked for hours and never missed a beat.  We ended up dating for the next 6/7 months and she also lived in a different city.

so I guess there is some hope out there in the thin air of your cell phone towers.  Some how enough electricty can pass through a text or phone call.  you can be turned on by a photo of a girl you hardly know, you can have a conversation now with a person and never know what their voice sounds like.  Love, affection, desire comes in many forms.  I have to thank technology for helping me find a little bit of all those things in my life.

But no matter how much things appear on paper its the real thing that has to click.  you'll know it too, the 1st time you meet someone, make real eye contact with them, touch their skin, taste their lips.  It all clicks or it doesnt.

Its cool to know it can start from anywhere out there

iPOD and my life

so I live on music, all these lists on facebook have me thinking about what my most played on my iPOD would be...so here it is

1) The End of Heartache - Killswitch Engage
2) Rose of Sharyn - Killswitch Engage
3) Grey Room - Damien Rice
4) Slow Dancing in a Burning Room - John Mayer
5) Hello, Im in Deleware - City and Colour
6) Like Knives - City and Colour
7) In the Water, I am Beautiful - City and Colour
8) Collapse the Light into Earth - Porcupine Tree
9) Heartattack in a lay By - Porcupine Tree
10) Ode to the sun - dredg
11) The Blowers Daughter - Damien Rice
12) 9 Crimes - Damien Rice
13) Fixiation on the Darkness - Killswitch Engage
14) Delicate - Damien Rice
15) Cannonball - Damien Rice
16) The Arms of Sorrow - Killswitch Engage
17) Bug Eyes - Dredg
18) Ghost - Howie Day
19) My curse - Killswitch Engage
20) Aime - Damien Rice
21) Breathe Life - Killswitch Engage
22) A Smart Kid - Killswitch Engage
23) Arriving Somewhere but not here - Porcupine Tree
24) Laid To Rest - Lamb of God
25) Self Revolution - Killswitch Engage

...So I have very little diversity haha.  Which is pretty fun.  Got the ipod in college, worked out alot to killswitch, wrote to Damien Rice, fell asleep to porcupine tree.  The funny thing is that I have only one song from two of my favorite bands..Lamb of God's song.  Nothing from metallica..slackin on my pimpin.

Ready for Badass...the ultimate guys weekend coming up.  Survival isnt guaranteed.

cheating, but these are 15 films that stick with you, not all time favs or anything like that, just ones you wont forget

1) Terminator 2 - This was the first movie I ever got as a gift.  Got it from dad for my 7th xmas, pretty sure he bought it for himself but gave it to me.  I watched this movie on repeat.  Came on AMC alot last summer, doesnt hold up great but there is nothing better than watching Linda Hamilton doing her lesbian pullups

2) Days of Thunder - Let me preface this with the fact that I hate nascar with a passion.  But old Tom Cruise and Co got me here.  I think the movie is totally validated by Robert Duval's performance and some of the best lines in shit cinema history.  Plus, who doesnt love 1st person point of view racing.

3) Ace Ventura - My Whole Family is obsessed with this movie.  It is def my favorite Carrey movie and its a great character.  Some great quotes and nothing better than finkle's tucked package and "thats not snowflake"  Everything about this movie is funny as shit to me.

4) Christmas Vacation - By far the best xmas movie, my family watches it every year usually drunk as hell and we never make it through.  Nothing beats some Cousin Eddy quotes and Chevy's rant at the end..."holy shit, where's the tylenol"

5) Dumb and Dumber - I mean really, this is the ultimate guys movie.  My best friends and I from high school can actually quote the whole movie start to finish without it being played.  We did this at Crunktoberfest one year at app.  Great one lines and Jeff Daniels steals the show.

6) Ghostbusters - Bill Murray playing the random piano notes..."They Hate that"  I had a jumpsuit, boots, proton pack as a kid that I wore everywhere.  I was an 8 yr old napoleon dynamite

7) Requiem for a Dream - My sister brooke made me watch this movie when I was 14 years old.  It scared the living shit out of me and is one of the major factors why I never ventured into the world of illegal substances.  Some haunting scenes and images and injecting that needle into the infection about made me vomit

8) Monster Squad - Probably one of the most unknown films people need to see as a kid.  Totally holds up and has some great lines.  Dont know how or where I saw this as a kid but I saw it often...and yes Rich, Wolfman still has nards

9) Childs Play - Fucking Chucky.  This movie terrified me and gave me nightmares for years as a kid.  I was like 6 or 7 when the 1st one came out and just the idea of a god damn doll that would kill you is universaly scary to any child.  I think I was in middle school before I tried to watch it again.

10) Aliens - The 2nd one, bill paxton's genius.  I was forced to watch this movie during the great march ice storm of 1992.  My family had to go to some friends house because we lost power for almost 2 weeks.  Lost cable during the ACC tourney and they decided to throw this shit on and it killed me.  Looking back i really enjoy the film.

11) Halloween - Hands down the scariest movie to me.  A killer with no voice, no emotion, never runs.  The frame work for the film is great too and its soundtrack is what makes it last.

12) Braveheart - was in middle school when this came out and when you are going through puberty this is about as cool as it gets.  Some classic lines, cool scenes and the soundtrack is fuckin sweet.  1st movie I remember actually crying in, which when you are a middle school boy is totally uncool.

13) Super Troopers - Got drunk at a friends house while his rents were outta town.  Stayed up late as fuck, Robotripped and popped this movie and had a field day.  In the middled of the moive a friend of mine sleptwalked and hit his knee because it was asleep, ive never seen a person hit themsevles that hard.

14) X-men - lets be honest, I am a giant comic book nerd.  and to see this movie on film and done the right way made me very happy.  I hated the casting of Halle Berry at the time, but I think the rest of the cast was well done.  While there were some minor flaws in the plots lines I think Seeing my favorite comicbook and character (wolverine) blew my damn mind.  Plus, just rewatch the 1st scene at the concentration camp with young magneto...awesome

15) Star Wars 4,5,6 - Cant seperate them at all, and if you are a nerd like I am these are the shit.  Read most of the books that came out after.  These movies still hold up to me story wise and get my nerd boner in full mast.  IF any of them are on TV I will watch

Hearing Damage

So I was pretty shocked last week at some people responding to the Fiction.  That got me motivated to bring out some old notebooks from college and start writing again.  I created a character named Chris for a short story and now that I am single and do very little on the weekends its very easy to have a few beers and find a blank page and let this character work his way out.  There is a very dark side of me that comes out in my writing and people always worried about it.  I think writing heavy is what allows me to smile the rest of the time.  its my outlet.  Here is a chapter out of a short story I wrote called "Beautiful Decay"  let me know if you enjoy it.



Chapter 4 - Nightmare

I usually masturbate with my TV on in the background with local programming on mute while I watch porn at my computer. But tonight it’s on QVC. I’m naked, lying on top of my covers after my orgasm starring at the TV screen. The item for sale is a Tulipano Link necklace. It rests against a woman’s chest. Skin, gold, and hair are the only thing in the TV frame. The next scene is a close up shot of the necklace being held by a pair of perfectly manicured hands. The hands look gigantic. The number of units sold box at the bottom of the screen climbs quickly. The woman wearing the necklace is now standing next to a black, velvet bust wearing the same necklace. The woman, in her mid 40’s, is also wearing several thick gold bracelets on her wrists. She smiles. There is nothing more pathetic than discount jewelry.

I have this reoccurring dream that I watch as the whole world burns. I can see everything. Anything that is beautiful or means something slowly burns to the ground. In my dream I cannot move. I am paralyzed. Everything is intensified and my senses are overloaded. There are screams and cries in the distance. Everyone is hopeless. The world is helpless. The sounds of buildings falling, wood cracking and sirens explode all around me. I can hear my father’s voice. I feel the heat from the flames as they consume everything around me. I try to look away or close my eyes but I can’t. I see the Eiffel Tower burning right next to the house I grew up in as a child. There are funeral processions of close friends and relatives. Their graves are covered in burnt flowers and broken picture frames. The oceans burn. The sky is beautiful. Dark, gray horizons bleed into the burgundy fingers of the orange, outstretched flames as the fire destroys everything. I realize throughout all the chaos that all of this is inevitable. There is no hope or common good in anything. There is only negativity in a world starving for attention. Truth does not exist. The world I live in has become an island from which there is no escape. There I am surrounded by the oncoming nothingness, the man who watches as the whole world burns to the ground. I am crying and I am alone.

Its 4:00 a.m. when I wake up. My face and hair are drenched in sweat. I sit up in bed and take several deep breathes. A man dressed in all black is playing guitar on TV and selling instructional DVD’s that he holds up with a hand that has incredibly long finger nails.

I walk into the kitchen and grab a beer from the fridge. I sit down on the 1,000 dollar recliner I took from my grandmother’s rest home when I came to school because no one visits her anymore. I start drinking. There are no lights on and the only sound in the room is coming from the fan propped up next to the TV. I don’t know what day it is.