Yes, I dont like christmas. The whole thing feels forced and since I dont believe in god or any of that stuff it just makes me feel icky.
I get called scrooge.
Last saturday nite was my Christmas Carol.
I had the weekend off. Planned a nice relaxing weekend in the Boro. Got onto facebook and saw that a friend of mine was getting married on saturday so I texted her congrats and she told me to come down and celebrate in chapel hill with lots of people I went to school with...and any one that knows me knows that I dont need an excuse to have a few free drinks.
So Im walking to the bar and bump into my best girl friend from college, she'd moved to alaska but with all great friends you just pick up where you left off. We get to the bar and order drinks and everyone's having a good time. I see the bride and have this moment of the ole what coulda been thing. She is the kinda girl everyone loves and that just rubs off on everyone.
Soon after that I a girl that I used to have a weird relationship with came in with her boyfriend. This girl and I had the whole "neither of us will break 1st" thing going on. We made out, had fun, talked, but neither of us would let our gaurd down. When we both started dating other people we both were weirded out but it was what it was. We stopped talking when about a year ago she called me sleazy. I may be, think what you will, but I dont think anyone I consider a friend or care about would call me that. So she walked in with her little BF and I'd realized that us not dating years ago worked out good for me. She looked unhappy, didnt stay long and left without good bye.
After the ghost of girlfriends past whisked me to another bar via another text. It was the 1st time we'd seen each other since we broke up, and yes, it was weird but how could it not be. We were both a little drunk, smiled and you could tell we were thinking about the good times. But there was nothing emotional for me there, no longing. I was happy she was doing well and dating someone new. I had a lot of fun with her and meant everything I said and did with her but some times love isnt enough. Our 1st break up was brutal and it was all my fault. But the 2nd go around I think we knew things just werent going to be the same. It was the best closure Ive had in a relationship and honestly the 1st girl I've been truly happy for as she moved on (yes, I used to be that shallow, but sometimes it takes a while to grow up)
Then a txt and whiskey swept me foreward in time and I met the potential future. Met a complete stranger at the previous bar and talked for an hour. We split up for a little bit and then met back up and dance, kissed a little bit and exchanged numbers at the end of the nite. It was one of those moments where youth just fills you up, that feeling of invincibilty found me.
In this storm of ex's and the future I felt perfectly centered, like all was right in the world. Ive stuggled alot in the last two years, graduating from college is the hardest thing I have ever done hands down. I see kids talking about leaving on Facebook and it kills me. Growing up aint all its cracked up to be. But there walking to my car in the cold I was smiling and felt at east with myself. At the end of the day I am the only person I need to make happy right now. That requires many things, from traveling across the states to watch football games, to going on dates, to just playing guitar. Some where in the past few years I havent been able to get all that together and last weekend was just about perfect in letting me know that I had hope.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Death and taxes
Its election day, but I wont talk about that. This isnt really the political forum. But I will talk about something equally as depressing, death and family.
I am currently training to run a half marathon so I run a few miles through my neighborhood every day to help get ready. My route always starts off the same way and I pass by neighbors house. Last year they suffered a terrible tragedy of losing their father. I was not close with the family but after almost losing my father a few years ago I can only feel a glimpse of pain they have gone through. The most haunting part of all of it for me is running by the house every day and seeing his car still parked in the drive way. So today on my little run I thought of this story....Here goes
Untitled
He walked out the back door and opened a new beer. The cold night startled him. The sky was clear and there was little wind. Everything stood still.
He pulled the keys out of his jacket pocket and they dangled like wind chimes until he wrapped them in his palm.
He approached the car with caution. The warning lights lit up the woods in the back yard as he unlocked the doors. The leather drivers seat moaned as he sat down and shut the door. He put on the seat belt and put his hands on the steering wheel at 10 and 2 like he'd been taught years ago. He began to cry.
The tears came hard and fast. he sat there with his head collapsed on the steering wheel between his two hands.
He sat up and dried his eyes. He looke at himself in the rearview mirror. He looked like his father. He had always noticed their similar build but more recently he noticed him more in his eyes and furrowed brow. He lit a cigarette. He exhaled. The warm smoke mixed with the cold, fall air trapped in the car. His hands trembled.
He did this once a month.
After closing his eyes, he traced the leather trim of the door's interior and felt the crack where the left elbow wore it thin.
He looked out the car into the back yard. He thought about learning how to throw a football and how the ball felt leaving his fingertips like the steering wheel in front of him now. He thought of the beer his father gave him after the 1st time he mowed the yard all by himself and how different the beer in the cup holder of the car tasted to him 20 years later.
He pulled out his cell phone. He pressed 2 and send. It went straight to voicemail. It always did now. He heard his fathers voice and started to cry again. He closed the phone after hearing the beep. He never left a message. He was too afraid of what he would say.
He doubled over in pain. His tears mixed with snot. He couldnt control anything. The seat belt locked in place.
He finally collected himself. He finished the beer and got out of the car. He locked the doors behind him and picked a burgandy leaf out of the windshield wipers.
He stopped at the bottom of the stairs to the back door. He looked back at the car. It took everything he had to walk back in that house.
I am currently training to run a half marathon so I run a few miles through my neighborhood every day to help get ready. My route always starts off the same way and I pass by neighbors house. Last year they suffered a terrible tragedy of losing their father. I was not close with the family but after almost losing my father a few years ago I can only feel a glimpse of pain they have gone through. The most haunting part of all of it for me is running by the house every day and seeing his car still parked in the drive way. So today on my little run I thought of this story....Here goes
Untitled
He walked out the back door and opened a new beer. The cold night startled him. The sky was clear and there was little wind. Everything stood still.
He pulled the keys out of his jacket pocket and they dangled like wind chimes until he wrapped them in his palm.
He approached the car with caution. The warning lights lit up the woods in the back yard as he unlocked the doors. The leather drivers seat moaned as he sat down and shut the door. He put on the seat belt and put his hands on the steering wheel at 10 and 2 like he'd been taught years ago. He began to cry.
The tears came hard and fast. he sat there with his head collapsed on the steering wheel between his two hands.
He sat up and dried his eyes. He looke at himself in the rearview mirror. He looked like his father. He had always noticed their similar build but more recently he noticed him more in his eyes and furrowed brow. He lit a cigarette. He exhaled. The warm smoke mixed with the cold, fall air trapped in the car. His hands trembled.
He did this once a month.
After closing his eyes, he traced the leather trim of the door's interior and felt the crack where the left elbow wore it thin.
He looked out the car into the back yard. He thought about learning how to throw a football and how the ball felt leaving his fingertips like the steering wheel in front of him now. He thought of the beer his father gave him after the 1st time he mowed the yard all by himself and how different the beer in the cup holder of the car tasted to him 20 years later.
He pulled out his cell phone. He pressed 2 and send. It went straight to voicemail. It always did now. He heard his fathers voice and started to cry again. He closed the phone after hearing the beep. He never left a message. He was too afraid of what he would say.
He doubled over in pain. His tears mixed with snot. He couldnt control anything. The seat belt locked in place.
He finally collected himself. He finished the beer and got out of the car. He locked the doors behind him and picked a burgandy leaf out of the windshield wipers.
He stopped at the bottom of the stairs to the back door. He looked back at the car. It took everything he had to walk back in that house.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Marriage
Dont worry...everyone's doing it.
People are always gettin married. I feel like I am at or in 3 weddings a summer. Dont get me wrong, I love dressing up, eating someone elses food and drinking free booze. its the other stuff that scares the shit out of me.
Maybe I am scared of Commitment.
But after years of not falling in love and hearing that "one day you'll find the right one" bull shit I just generally dont really care about getting married...or having kids but thats a whole different blog.
Now dont get me wrong, I am not opposed to marriage. It sounds like a great idea. Being so in love with someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with that person. I have never had emotion anywhere close to that. My two longest relationships have lasted 6-8 months. (Sorry Whitney, apparently 7th/8th grade dont really count these days).
I had my heart torn out of my chest in college, and I know everyone does, but for some reason I think it still hasnt resolved some trust issues I have with the opposite sex. The whole relationship was my fault but you cant help who you fall in love with. And after just losing 100lbs in college I didnt care that the 1st girl who told me I was attractive to my face was currently dating someone else.
I fell hard. We are talking 1st love hard but I could never tell her and she only texted it to me.
Needless to say, Im a bit gaurded.
I am 25. I have friends that are already married, I have friends that are about to get married, and I have friends that like me dont know if they'll ever get married.
The best thing about the whole situation for me is that I have no pressure to get married. My family is very laid back about the whole thing. The joke of me being the last male Strader and passing on the family line doesnt really phase me any more, I could always adopt a child.
But what does it say about Marriage when almost everyone I know thats married for a little bit of time tells me to wait or dont ever get married? Sometimes its a joke after dealing with the spouse in a situation that having a spouse would be taxing, but this has often crept up in serious coversations with close family and friends.
My lack of care about marriage comes as a result from two polar opposite situations.
my parents have been married for about a million years. They have lived through 3 damn kids, lost jobs, lost dogs, lost houses, lost money. There were times I thought they'd split, esp when you are a child and you hear a fight and it seems like every kid you meet in school has two sets of parents. There are also times when I wondered why they were married at the same time. But 30 some years is a lifetime to spend with somone. The best peice of advice I ever got from my dad about marriage is to marry someone you can talk to when the sex is over. It took me a long time to understand this, because when your 18 and full of lust this doesnt make sense. But last weekend my parents just drove around and did nothing apparently. And the fact that they are able to do that to this day is a little bit of hope.
The other side is divorce. I have seen two people I love dearly suffer such immense pain from the hurt of love and marriage that it turned me off all together. My sister and one of my best friends were married less than 6 months before both relationships crumbled. And too be honest, in both cases I was absolutely floored. There are many different angels to examine but just seeing their pain and comforting them through tears was enough to scare the hell out of me. I saw two couples I thought were totally in love end so quick.
I dont know if I am built for marriage and maybe one day Ill find out. Yes, I have trust issues that have ruined past relationships. But getting married any time soon seems absurd to me but who knows who I could meet tomorrow at lunch or next weekend.
I try not to rule out anything so I try to stay open to my options. The idea sounds great but I know who I am and what I love. Those three things are sports, movies, music. Those are in no particular order. Finding a girl that "gets" these things about me and takes part in them is really all I need. I like to share my interests not just have them. I love the exchange of ideas and creating new things as well. I dont want to just have a movie room where I do shit alone and seperate from my wife/GF.
and Yes, I know there are somethings I will have to bend on over time, but I think if I found the right girl that alot of this would be second nature.
I dont know much of love, but I am still looking and listening. The rest can fucking wait.
People are always gettin married. I feel like I am at or in 3 weddings a summer. Dont get me wrong, I love dressing up, eating someone elses food and drinking free booze. its the other stuff that scares the shit out of me.
Maybe I am scared of Commitment.
But after years of not falling in love and hearing that "one day you'll find the right one" bull shit I just generally dont really care about getting married...or having kids but thats a whole different blog.
Now dont get me wrong, I am not opposed to marriage. It sounds like a great idea. Being so in love with someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with that person. I have never had emotion anywhere close to that. My two longest relationships have lasted 6-8 months. (Sorry Whitney, apparently 7th/8th grade dont really count these days).
I had my heart torn out of my chest in college, and I know everyone does, but for some reason I think it still hasnt resolved some trust issues I have with the opposite sex. The whole relationship was my fault but you cant help who you fall in love with. And after just losing 100lbs in college I didnt care that the 1st girl who told me I was attractive to my face was currently dating someone else.
I fell hard. We are talking 1st love hard but I could never tell her and she only texted it to me.
Needless to say, Im a bit gaurded.
I am 25. I have friends that are already married, I have friends that are about to get married, and I have friends that like me dont know if they'll ever get married.
The best thing about the whole situation for me is that I have no pressure to get married. My family is very laid back about the whole thing. The joke of me being the last male Strader and passing on the family line doesnt really phase me any more, I could always adopt a child.
But what does it say about Marriage when almost everyone I know thats married for a little bit of time tells me to wait or dont ever get married? Sometimes its a joke after dealing with the spouse in a situation that having a spouse would be taxing, but this has often crept up in serious coversations with close family and friends.
My lack of care about marriage comes as a result from two polar opposite situations.
my parents have been married for about a million years. They have lived through 3 damn kids, lost jobs, lost dogs, lost houses, lost money. There were times I thought they'd split, esp when you are a child and you hear a fight and it seems like every kid you meet in school has two sets of parents. There are also times when I wondered why they were married at the same time. But 30 some years is a lifetime to spend with somone. The best peice of advice I ever got from my dad about marriage is to marry someone you can talk to when the sex is over. It took me a long time to understand this, because when your 18 and full of lust this doesnt make sense. But last weekend my parents just drove around and did nothing apparently. And the fact that they are able to do that to this day is a little bit of hope.
The other side is divorce. I have seen two people I love dearly suffer such immense pain from the hurt of love and marriage that it turned me off all together. My sister and one of my best friends were married less than 6 months before both relationships crumbled. And too be honest, in both cases I was absolutely floored. There are many different angels to examine but just seeing their pain and comforting them through tears was enough to scare the hell out of me. I saw two couples I thought were totally in love end so quick.
I dont know if I am built for marriage and maybe one day Ill find out. Yes, I have trust issues that have ruined past relationships. But getting married any time soon seems absurd to me but who knows who I could meet tomorrow at lunch or next weekend.
I try not to rule out anything so I try to stay open to my options. The idea sounds great but I know who I am and what I love. Those three things are sports, movies, music. Those are in no particular order. Finding a girl that "gets" these things about me and takes part in them is really all I need. I like to share my interests not just have them. I love the exchange of ideas and creating new things as well. I dont want to just have a movie room where I do shit alone and seperate from my wife/GF.
and Yes, I know there are somethings I will have to bend on over time, but I think if I found the right girl that alot of this would be second nature.
I dont know much of love, but I am still looking and listening. The rest can fucking wait.
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