I havent written in over a month. Thats sad. Thats life.
I had this amazing thought that this may I will turn 26. 25 and under seems young, fresh, daring. 26 sounds stuck, boring, stop going to bars. I am opposed to many of these things and will probably always be the guy my friends girlfriends, fiance's, and wives worry about their men going out with.
I had my most adult moment the other morning. I have started a new job at a new hospital. Things are rough, the hours are long and there is always a lot of work to be done. My morning ritual has been the same since kindergarten. Wake up 40 min b4 I need to leave, microwave something for 30 sec, quick shower, brush teeth, dress and go.
but this whole work thing has changed this. I used to be allowed an hr or two to wake up before problems arrived by complaints and by email.
I have started to get up earlier. I run now(weather permitting) and spend a little more time just waking up.
But sometimes your alarm doesnt go off according to plan and shit happens.
So before Xmas I strolled up stairs, ate a cheeseburger and realized I was running about 20 minutes late. I ran downstairs and picked out my clothes and got into the shower.
Not many things cripple me beyond capacity but a nice hot shower does. I would take a bath every day if I had the tub big enough. So I stood there waking up, cleaning myself and like in American Beauty.."enjoying the highlight of my day"
I got out and wiped the foggy mirror and checked myself, noticed I still need to lose a few lbs and that my hair looked best after 2 days of not washing it.
I started to dry off and I got down to the nitty gritty bits between the legs only to realize that my balls were still soapy.
That was my "Wow" moment. I just stood there and looked in the mirror, covered in water and the shame of my dignity running in a soapy stream down from my crotch.
This is not the way you want to start your day. Its a sign that maybe hitting snooze and calling in sick would have been the best decision. But I didnt.
The person looking back at me all wet and soapy was the kid that died a few months ago. Those soapy balls were the death of my 5pm shadow, the death of my flip flops, the death of my 20 hr work week.
The guy looking back at me is supposed to be a grown up now. Major corporate job, health care, shirt and tie, full head of hair and very little debt.
But climbing back into the shower to rinse off it was all I could do but laugh. I have no shame in who I am, who I was and who I am going to be.
The next time you get soapy balls know that you are not alone.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Resolutions
So its that time of year. People are thankful for things they should recognize year round.
people act happy because they are supposed to.
I hate christmas, the faux happiness, commercialization, religion, and most of all the music playing since before thanksgiving.
I like the lights and egg nog...thats it.
But I do like new years, cause I like to party, and most of all because I love to make resolutions. I havent made any in a few years and I was thinking about that today. Ive got my life going in a decent direction right now and I am still young enough to be selfish. I want to do somethings for me.
2 things I have never had are abs and long hair.
Abs. Yes, Ive lost 100 lbs in college and had a flat stomach since then. Ill always have some giggle because I was so overweight for a long time. But Id like to see how cut I can get by my birthday, may 13th. Id like to be able to go to the beach this summer and look damn good.
Long Hair. I dabbled in shaggy in high school but I always get bored and cut it and then regret the hell out of it. My mom passed down some killer locks from her side of the family so I like having a full head of hair. I dont plan on cutting it before my birthday like the whole abs thing above. I am sure it will look absolutely silly, and Ill probably look like I am wearing a leather football helmet but oh well.
Yes, these are all vanity inspired but you know what? I dont care. But I will need help. So if you see me thinking about eating that cake, dont let me. If you see me running with scissors, track me down and dont let me cut em.
I am ok with making a fool out of myself, Ive been doin it for 25 years already.
people act happy because they are supposed to.
I hate christmas, the faux happiness, commercialization, religion, and most of all the music playing since before thanksgiving.
I like the lights and egg nog...thats it.
But I do like new years, cause I like to party, and most of all because I love to make resolutions. I havent made any in a few years and I was thinking about that today. Ive got my life going in a decent direction right now and I am still young enough to be selfish. I want to do somethings for me.
2 things I have never had are abs and long hair.
Abs. Yes, Ive lost 100 lbs in college and had a flat stomach since then. Ill always have some giggle because I was so overweight for a long time. But Id like to see how cut I can get by my birthday, may 13th. Id like to be able to go to the beach this summer and look damn good.
Long Hair. I dabbled in shaggy in high school but I always get bored and cut it and then regret the hell out of it. My mom passed down some killer locks from her side of the family so I like having a full head of hair. I dont plan on cutting it before my birthday like the whole abs thing above. I am sure it will look absolutely silly, and Ill probably look like I am wearing a leather football helmet but oh well.
Yes, these are all vanity inspired but you know what? I dont care. But I will need help. So if you see me thinking about eating that cake, dont let me. If you see me running with scissors, track me down and dont let me cut em.
I am ok with making a fool out of myself, Ive been doin it for 25 years already.
Monday, November 8, 2010
I got your Dickinson
Yes, I dont like christmas. The whole thing feels forced and since I dont believe in god or any of that stuff it just makes me feel icky.
I get called scrooge.
Last saturday nite was my Christmas Carol.
I had the weekend off. Planned a nice relaxing weekend in the Boro. Got onto facebook and saw that a friend of mine was getting married on saturday so I texted her congrats and she told me to come down and celebrate in chapel hill with lots of people I went to school with...and any one that knows me knows that I dont need an excuse to have a few free drinks.
So Im walking to the bar and bump into my best girl friend from college, she'd moved to alaska but with all great friends you just pick up where you left off. We get to the bar and order drinks and everyone's having a good time. I see the bride and have this moment of the ole what coulda been thing. She is the kinda girl everyone loves and that just rubs off on everyone.
Soon after that I a girl that I used to have a weird relationship with came in with her boyfriend. This girl and I had the whole "neither of us will break 1st" thing going on. We made out, had fun, talked, but neither of us would let our gaurd down. When we both started dating other people we both were weirded out but it was what it was. We stopped talking when about a year ago she called me sleazy. I may be, think what you will, but I dont think anyone I consider a friend or care about would call me that. So she walked in with her little BF and I'd realized that us not dating years ago worked out good for me. She looked unhappy, didnt stay long and left without good bye.
After the ghost of girlfriends past whisked me to another bar via another text. It was the 1st time we'd seen each other since we broke up, and yes, it was weird but how could it not be. We were both a little drunk, smiled and you could tell we were thinking about the good times. But there was nothing emotional for me there, no longing. I was happy she was doing well and dating someone new. I had a lot of fun with her and meant everything I said and did with her but some times love isnt enough. Our 1st break up was brutal and it was all my fault. But the 2nd go around I think we knew things just werent going to be the same. It was the best closure Ive had in a relationship and honestly the 1st girl I've been truly happy for as she moved on (yes, I used to be that shallow, but sometimes it takes a while to grow up)
Then a txt and whiskey swept me foreward in time and I met the potential future. Met a complete stranger at the previous bar and talked for an hour. We split up for a little bit and then met back up and dance, kissed a little bit and exchanged numbers at the end of the nite. It was one of those moments where youth just fills you up, that feeling of invincibilty found me.
In this storm of ex's and the future I felt perfectly centered, like all was right in the world. Ive stuggled alot in the last two years, graduating from college is the hardest thing I have ever done hands down. I see kids talking about leaving on Facebook and it kills me. Growing up aint all its cracked up to be. But there walking to my car in the cold I was smiling and felt at east with myself. At the end of the day I am the only person I need to make happy right now. That requires many things, from traveling across the states to watch football games, to going on dates, to just playing guitar. Some where in the past few years I havent been able to get all that together and last weekend was just about perfect in letting me know that I had hope.
I get called scrooge.
Last saturday nite was my Christmas Carol.
I had the weekend off. Planned a nice relaxing weekend in the Boro. Got onto facebook and saw that a friend of mine was getting married on saturday so I texted her congrats and she told me to come down and celebrate in chapel hill with lots of people I went to school with...and any one that knows me knows that I dont need an excuse to have a few free drinks.
So Im walking to the bar and bump into my best girl friend from college, she'd moved to alaska but with all great friends you just pick up where you left off. We get to the bar and order drinks and everyone's having a good time. I see the bride and have this moment of the ole what coulda been thing. She is the kinda girl everyone loves and that just rubs off on everyone.
Soon after that I a girl that I used to have a weird relationship with came in with her boyfriend. This girl and I had the whole "neither of us will break 1st" thing going on. We made out, had fun, talked, but neither of us would let our gaurd down. When we both started dating other people we both were weirded out but it was what it was. We stopped talking when about a year ago she called me sleazy. I may be, think what you will, but I dont think anyone I consider a friend or care about would call me that. So she walked in with her little BF and I'd realized that us not dating years ago worked out good for me. She looked unhappy, didnt stay long and left without good bye.
After the ghost of girlfriends past whisked me to another bar via another text. It was the 1st time we'd seen each other since we broke up, and yes, it was weird but how could it not be. We were both a little drunk, smiled and you could tell we were thinking about the good times. But there was nothing emotional for me there, no longing. I was happy she was doing well and dating someone new. I had a lot of fun with her and meant everything I said and did with her but some times love isnt enough. Our 1st break up was brutal and it was all my fault. But the 2nd go around I think we knew things just werent going to be the same. It was the best closure Ive had in a relationship and honestly the 1st girl I've been truly happy for as she moved on (yes, I used to be that shallow, but sometimes it takes a while to grow up)
Then a txt and whiskey swept me foreward in time and I met the potential future. Met a complete stranger at the previous bar and talked for an hour. We split up for a little bit and then met back up and dance, kissed a little bit and exchanged numbers at the end of the nite. It was one of those moments where youth just fills you up, that feeling of invincibilty found me.
In this storm of ex's and the future I felt perfectly centered, like all was right in the world. Ive stuggled alot in the last two years, graduating from college is the hardest thing I have ever done hands down. I see kids talking about leaving on Facebook and it kills me. Growing up aint all its cracked up to be. But there walking to my car in the cold I was smiling and felt at east with myself. At the end of the day I am the only person I need to make happy right now. That requires many things, from traveling across the states to watch football games, to going on dates, to just playing guitar. Some where in the past few years I havent been able to get all that together and last weekend was just about perfect in letting me know that I had hope.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Death and taxes
Its election day, but I wont talk about that. This isnt really the political forum. But I will talk about something equally as depressing, death and family.
I am currently training to run a half marathon so I run a few miles through my neighborhood every day to help get ready. My route always starts off the same way and I pass by neighbors house. Last year they suffered a terrible tragedy of losing their father. I was not close with the family but after almost losing my father a few years ago I can only feel a glimpse of pain they have gone through. The most haunting part of all of it for me is running by the house every day and seeing his car still parked in the drive way. So today on my little run I thought of this story....Here goes
Untitled
He walked out the back door and opened a new beer. The cold night startled him. The sky was clear and there was little wind. Everything stood still.
He pulled the keys out of his jacket pocket and they dangled like wind chimes until he wrapped them in his palm.
He approached the car with caution. The warning lights lit up the woods in the back yard as he unlocked the doors. The leather drivers seat moaned as he sat down and shut the door. He put on the seat belt and put his hands on the steering wheel at 10 and 2 like he'd been taught years ago. He began to cry.
The tears came hard and fast. he sat there with his head collapsed on the steering wheel between his two hands.
He sat up and dried his eyes. He looke at himself in the rearview mirror. He looked like his father. He had always noticed their similar build but more recently he noticed him more in his eyes and furrowed brow. He lit a cigarette. He exhaled. The warm smoke mixed with the cold, fall air trapped in the car. His hands trembled.
He did this once a month.
After closing his eyes, he traced the leather trim of the door's interior and felt the crack where the left elbow wore it thin.
He looked out the car into the back yard. He thought about learning how to throw a football and how the ball felt leaving his fingertips like the steering wheel in front of him now. He thought of the beer his father gave him after the 1st time he mowed the yard all by himself and how different the beer in the cup holder of the car tasted to him 20 years later.
He pulled out his cell phone. He pressed 2 and send. It went straight to voicemail. It always did now. He heard his fathers voice and started to cry again. He closed the phone after hearing the beep. He never left a message. He was too afraid of what he would say.
He doubled over in pain. His tears mixed with snot. He couldnt control anything. The seat belt locked in place.
He finally collected himself. He finished the beer and got out of the car. He locked the doors behind him and picked a burgandy leaf out of the windshield wipers.
He stopped at the bottom of the stairs to the back door. He looked back at the car. It took everything he had to walk back in that house.
I am currently training to run a half marathon so I run a few miles through my neighborhood every day to help get ready. My route always starts off the same way and I pass by neighbors house. Last year they suffered a terrible tragedy of losing their father. I was not close with the family but after almost losing my father a few years ago I can only feel a glimpse of pain they have gone through. The most haunting part of all of it for me is running by the house every day and seeing his car still parked in the drive way. So today on my little run I thought of this story....Here goes
Untitled
He walked out the back door and opened a new beer. The cold night startled him. The sky was clear and there was little wind. Everything stood still.
He pulled the keys out of his jacket pocket and they dangled like wind chimes until he wrapped them in his palm.
He approached the car with caution. The warning lights lit up the woods in the back yard as he unlocked the doors. The leather drivers seat moaned as he sat down and shut the door. He put on the seat belt and put his hands on the steering wheel at 10 and 2 like he'd been taught years ago. He began to cry.
The tears came hard and fast. he sat there with his head collapsed on the steering wheel between his two hands.
He sat up and dried his eyes. He looke at himself in the rearview mirror. He looked like his father. He had always noticed their similar build but more recently he noticed him more in his eyes and furrowed brow. He lit a cigarette. He exhaled. The warm smoke mixed with the cold, fall air trapped in the car. His hands trembled.
He did this once a month.
After closing his eyes, he traced the leather trim of the door's interior and felt the crack where the left elbow wore it thin.
He looked out the car into the back yard. He thought about learning how to throw a football and how the ball felt leaving his fingertips like the steering wheel in front of him now. He thought of the beer his father gave him after the 1st time he mowed the yard all by himself and how different the beer in the cup holder of the car tasted to him 20 years later.
He pulled out his cell phone. He pressed 2 and send. It went straight to voicemail. It always did now. He heard his fathers voice and started to cry again. He closed the phone after hearing the beep. He never left a message. He was too afraid of what he would say.
He doubled over in pain. His tears mixed with snot. He couldnt control anything. The seat belt locked in place.
He finally collected himself. He finished the beer and got out of the car. He locked the doors behind him and picked a burgandy leaf out of the windshield wipers.
He stopped at the bottom of the stairs to the back door. He looked back at the car. It took everything he had to walk back in that house.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Marriage
Dont worry...everyone's doing it.
People are always gettin married. I feel like I am at or in 3 weddings a summer. Dont get me wrong, I love dressing up, eating someone elses food and drinking free booze. its the other stuff that scares the shit out of me.
Maybe I am scared of Commitment.
But after years of not falling in love and hearing that "one day you'll find the right one" bull shit I just generally dont really care about getting married...or having kids but thats a whole different blog.
Now dont get me wrong, I am not opposed to marriage. It sounds like a great idea. Being so in love with someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with that person. I have never had emotion anywhere close to that. My two longest relationships have lasted 6-8 months. (Sorry Whitney, apparently 7th/8th grade dont really count these days).
I had my heart torn out of my chest in college, and I know everyone does, but for some reason I think it still hasnt resolved some trust issues I have with the opposite sex. The whole relationship was my fault but you cant help who you fall in love with. And after just losing 100lbs in college I didnt care that the 1st girl who told me I was attractive to my face was currently dating someone else.
I fell hard. We are talking 1st love hard but I could never tell her and she only texted it to me.
Needless to say, Im a bit gaurded.
I am 25. I have friends that are already married, I have friends that are about to get married, and I have friends that like me dont know if they'll ever get married.
The best thing about the whole situation for me is that I have no pressure to get married. My family is very laid back about the whole thing. The joke of me being the last male Strader and passing on the family line doesnt really phase me any more, I could always adopt a child.
But what does it say about Marriage when almost everyone I know thats married for a little bit of time tells me to wait or dont ever get married? Sometimes its a joke after dealing with the spouse in a situation that having a spouse would be taxing, but this has often crept up in serious coversations with close family and friends.
My lack of care about marriage comes as a result from two polar opposite situations.
my parents have been married for about a million years. They have lived through 3 damn kids, lost jobs, lost dogs, lost houses, lost money. There were times I thought they'd split, esp when you are a child and you hear a fight and it seems like every kid you meet in school has two sets of parents. There are also times when I wondered why they were married at the same time. But 30 some years is a lifetime to spend with somone. The best peice of advice I ever got from my dad about marriage is to marry someone you can talk to when the sex is over. It took me a long time to understand this, because when your 18 and full of lust this doesnt make sense. But last weekend my parents just drove around and did nothing apparently. And the fact that they are able to do that to this day is a little bit of hope.
The other side is divorce. I have seen two people I love dearly suffer such immense pain from the hurt of love and marriage that it turned me off all together. My sister and one of my best friends were married less than 6 months before both relationships crumbled. And too be honest, in both cases I was absolutely floored. There are many different angels to examine but just seeing their pain and comforting them through tears was enough to scare the hell out of me. I saw two couples I thought were totally in love end so quick.
I dont know if I am built for marriage and maybe one day Ill find out. Yes, I have trust issues that have ruined past relationships. But getting married any time soon seems absurd to me but who knows who I could meet tomorrow at lunch or next weekend.
I try not to rule out anything so I try to stay open to my options. The idea sounds great but I know who I am and what I love. Those three things are sports, movies, music. Those are in no particular order. Finding a girl that "gets" these things about me and takes part in them is really all I need. I like to share my interests not just have them. I love the exchange of ideas and creating new things as well. I dont want to just have a movie room where I do shit alone and seperate from my wife/GF.
and Yes, I know there are somethings I will have to bend on over time, but I think if I found the right girl that alot of this would be second nature.
I dont know much of love, but I am still looking and listening. The rest can fucking wait.
People are always gettin married. I feel like I am at or in 3 weddings a summer. Dont get me wrong, I love dressing up, eating someone elses food and drinking free booze. its the other stuff that scares the shit out of me.
Maybe I am scared of Commitment.
But after years of not falling in love and hearing that "one day you'll find the right one" bull shit I just generally dont really care about getting married...or having kids but thats a whole different blog.
Now dont get me wrong, I am not opposed to marriage. It sounds like a great idea. Being so in love with someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with that person. I have never had emotion anywhere close to that. My two longest relationships have lasted 6-8 months. (Sorry Whitney, apparently 7th/8th grade dont really count these days).
I had my heart torn out of my chest in college, and I know everyone does, but for some reason I think it still hasnt resolved some trust issues I have with the opposite sex. The whole relationship was my fault but you cant help who you fall in love with. And after just losing 100lbs in college I didnt care that the 1st girl who told me I was attractive to my face was currently dating someone else.
I fell hard. We are talking 1st love hard but I could never tell her and she only texted it to me.
Needless to say, Im a bit gaurded.
I am 25. I have friends that are already married, I have friends that are about to get married, and I have friends that like me dont know if they'll ever get married.
The best thing about the whole situation for me is that I have no pressure to get married. My family is very laid back about the whole thing. The joke of me being the last male Strader and passing on the family line doesnt really phase me any more, I could always adopt a child.
But what does it say about Marriage when almost everyone I know thats married for a little bit of time tells me to wait or dont ever get married? Sometimes its a joke after dealing with the spouse in a situation that having a spouse would be taxing, but this has often crept up in serious coversations with close family and friends.
My lack of care about marriage comes as a result from two polar opposite situations.
my parents have been married for about a million years. They have lived through 3 damn kids, lost jobs, lost dogs, lost houses, lost money. There were times I thought they'd split, esp when you are a child and you hear a fight and it seems like every kid you meet in school has two sets of parents. There are also times when I wondered why they were married at the same time. But 30 some years is a lifetime to spend with somone. The best peice of advice I ever got from my dad about marriage is to marry someone you can talk to when the sex is over. It took me a long time to understand this, because when your 18 and full of lust this doesnt make sense. But last weekend my parents just drove around and did nothing apparently. And the fact that they are able to do that to this day is a little bit of hope.
The other side is divorce. I have seen two people I love dearly suffer such immense pain from the hurt of love and marriage that it turned me off all together. My sister and one of my best friends were married less than 6 months before both relationships crumbled. And too be honest, in both cases I was absolutely floored. There are many different angels to examine but just seeing their pain and comforting them through tears was enough to scare the hell out of me. I saw two couples I thought were totally in love end so quick.
I dont know if I am built for marriage and maybe one day Ill find out. Yes, I have trust issues that have ruined past relationships. But getting married any time soon seems absurd to me but who knows who I could meet tomorrow at lunch or next weekend.
I try not to rule out anything so I try to stay open to my options. The idea sounds great but I know who I am and what I love. Those three things are sports, movies, music. Those are in no particular order. Finding a girl that "gets" these things about me and takes part in them is really all I need. I like to share my interests not just have them. I love the exchange of ideas and creating new things as well. I dont want to just have a movie room where I do shit alone and seperate from my wife/GF.
and Yes, I know there are somethings I will have to bend on over time, but I think if I found the right girl that alot of this would be second nature.
I dont know much of love, but I am still looking and listening. The rest can fucking wait.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Halloween
Rough weekend. Lots of driving and working, which is never fun. A little too much booze in a costume and looking crazy while standing still.
Ive had the blog on ice for a bit, but its not like anyone really cares. I had some things crop up and I wondered how serious I should take this and if I should go foreward with the whole brutal honesty thing. So after letting work suck the life out of me and certain people saying a few things Ive come to the conclusion that I just dont give a damn.
Halloween
By far my favorite holiday, it beats all the other ones combined.
As a youngster Id lose sleep the night before just waiting to put on my costume and wear it to school.. Many years I was a vampire. Funny now because everyone thinks I look like a werewolf.
I drove 3 hrs round trip tonite to Raleigh to see my 2.5 yr old nephew go trick or treating. He was the cutest damn panda ever and I love that in a few years Ill be able to drunken scare the hell out of him and not get into too much trouble with his mom or my own.
I wasnt going to make the drive but friday I bought three new cds and I decided to listen to them and get to know them better and 3 hrs in the car was the perfect way.
I went for a 6 mile run the other day, training for a half marathon for no real reason, and listened to the new kings of leon album. I love it. I thought maybe them going to the slow and epic sound would piss me off cause I love their old rock stuff, but I cant hate a band for trying new stuff and it sounds good as hell.
This is the 1st halloween in years that I will spend in my own bed. The holiday got me in all kinds of trouble in college and in recent years. I get really into my costume and just get a little too drunk and end up in someone elses bed or on someone elses couch.
Freshman year I went to Frankin Street like everyone did, got hammered, unimpressed with the scene I walked through campus drunk. I dont remember any of it. All i know is that my prom date from senior year of high school saw me wandering around and helped me back to my friends dorm and was my angel that night. I woke up the next morning with a hangover and a parking ticket.
Sophmore year I cant remember at all. I would have been old chunky luke, probably in a crazy costume. But its a total blank spot.
Junior year was a wild one. I was a jehova's witness and one of my best friends, Alexis, had her 21st bday that night. We hit the bars hard, I held hands with a girl I hardly knew and woke up alone at 11am in a sleeping bag with no clothes on and my bare ass showing for anyone to see. I didnt make it to class.
Senior year was my craziest to date. Had lost all my weight. Grew m hair and beard out for 2 months to be wolverine. Awesome pictures. Was having an affair with a girl. Went home with her that night, unreal, she was xena. I walked home, shaved my beard still drunk at 4am and got up at 8am to drive to ATL with my friend Eric to stay with our friend ryan and go see a football game.
Victory Lap. App game, at night, all dressed like superheros. App won by about 70. I was the human torch from the fantastic 4 in skin tight leggings and underarmour. Got drunk off everclear at a house party after the game, made out with a girl who I didnt even know her name, got her number, woke up n the living room of the house and went to eat with all my boys still in my costume.
Last year. 2 months after the house fire. In the height of my full depression. Training to join the air force, went as a volleyball player from Top Gun. Covered in baby oil. Slept on a couch, after showering of course, all alone.
It was nice to take a year off this year. Hit the bars for a minute last night, but Ive been pushing things in the past and now Im just one day at a time.
Time to watch zombies eat people
Ive had the blog on ice for a bit, but its not like anyone really cares. I had some things crop up and I wondered how serious I should take this and if I should go foreward with the whole brutal honesty thing. So after letting work suck the life out of me and certain people saying a few things Ive come to the conclusion that I just dont give a damn.
Halloween
By far my favorite holiday, it beats all the other ones combined.
As a youngster Id lose sleep the night before just waiting to put on my costume and wear it to school.. Many years I was a vampire. Funny now because everyone thinks I look like a werewolf.
I drove 3 hrs round trip tonite to Raleigh to see my 2.5 yr old nephew go trick or treating. He was the cutest damn panda ever and I love that in a few years Ill be able to drunken scare the hell out of him and not get into too much trouble with his mom or my own.
I wasnt going to make the drive but friday I bought three new cds and I decided to listen to them and get to know them better and 3 hrs in the car was the perfect way.
I went for a 6 mile run the other day, training for a half marathon for no real reason, and listened to the new kings of leon album. I love it. I thought maybe them going to the slow and epic sound would piss me off cause I love their old rock stuff, but I cant hate a band for trying new stuff and it sounds good as hell.
This is the 1st halloween in years that I will spend in my own bed. The holiday got me in all kinds of trouble in college and in recent years. I get really into my costume and just get a little too drunk and end up in someone elses bed or on someone elses couch.
Freshman year I went to Frankin Street like everyone did, got hammered, unimpressed with the scene I walked through campus drunk. I dont remember any of it. All i know is that my prom date from senior year of high school saw me wandering around and helped me back to my friends dorm and was my angel that night. I woke up the next morning with a hangover and a parking ticket.
Sophmore year I cant remember at all. I would have been old chunky luke, probably in a crazy costume. But its a total blank spot.
Junior year was a wild one. I was a jehova's witness and one of my best friends, Alexis, had her 21st bday that night. We hit the bars hard, I held hands with a girl I hardly knew and woke up alone at 11am in a sleeping bag with no clothes on and my bare ass showing for anyone to see. I didnt make it to class.
Senior year was my craziest to date. Had lost all my weight. Grew m hair and beard out for 2 months to be wolverine. Awesome pictures. Was having an affair with a girl. Went home with her that night, unreal, she was xena. I walked home, shaved my beard still drunk at 4am and got up at 8am to drive to ATL with my friend Eric to stay with our friend ryan and go see a football game.
Victory Lap. App game, at night, all dressed like superheros. App won by about 70. I was the human torch from the fantastic 4 in skin tight leggings and underarmour. Got drunk off everclear at a house party after the game, made out with a girl who I didnt even know her name, got her number, woke up n the living room of the house and went to eat with all my boys still in my costume.
Last year. 2 months after the house fire. In the height of my full depression. Training to join the air force, went as a volleyball player from Top Gun. Covered in baby oil. Slept on a couch, after showering of course, all alone.
It was nice to take a year off this year. Hit the bars for a minute last night, but Ive been pushing things in the past and now Im just one day at a time.
Time to watch zombies eat people
Sunday, October 17, 2010
"Why do they call it a Jeffrey?"
Was driving home and listening to some music and for some damn reason thought about Jay Gatsby standing on the edge of his dock and reaching out. I have no idea where that came from but it is an amazing image and I just started writing. Gatsby would be all kinds of messed up inside, crazy love, we have all been there at one point but I havent read that book in forever and I cant remember if it skirts the issue or not. I may go back at read.
"Standing there at the waters edge
barefoot toes curling over the docks cold, wooden ledge
My windblown hair dirty with drops of the waters foam
I am reaching out, dying to bring you home
I loved you once, I've loved you forever
But a dark blue distance keeps us from being together
I turned to leave with your light behind me
Lighting a past thats getting a lot harder to see
I am taking off someone else's clothes, sleeping in someone else's bed
losing sleep over thoughts of you in my head
the man in the mirror now is just a ghost to me
too well dressed and clean for all the pain that I see
In a crowded room my eyes never leave you
Ive built my world to be your dream come true
All that I think is missing from my life is you
Ive built my world for you to be my dream come true
I see you beside him, I even shook his hand
my life consists of me living to be another man
the smile you give the world is different than the one you give me
I know that your love would be safe with me
So every night I walk outside, in the dark I hide
from the world the tears in my eyes
You'll be loved if you just take my hand
and allow me to finally be your man"
"Standing there at the waters edge
barefoot toes curling over the docks cold, wooden ledge
My windblown hair dirty with drops of the waters foam
I am reaching out, dying to bring you home
I loved you once, I've loved you forever
But a dark blue distance keeps us from being together
I turned to leave with your light behind me
Lighting a past thats getting a lot harder to see
I am taking off someone else's clothes, sleeping in someone else's bed
losing sleep over thoughts of you in my head
the man in the mirror now is just a ghost to me
too well dressed and clean for all the pain that I see
In a crowded room my eyes never leave you
Ive built my world to be your dream come true
All that I think is missing from my life is you
Ive built my world for you to be my dream come true
I see you beside him, I even shook his hand
my life consists of me living to be another man
the smile you give the world is different than the one you give me
I know that your love would be safe with me
So every night I walk outside, in the dark I hide
from the world the tears in my eyes
You'll be loved if you just take my hand
and allow me to finally be your man"
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